My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

[dhandhisviews]

It’s a bunch of things really. Mental health for example- I’ve struggled for a long time off and on- especially after I had babies, but he never really acknowledged it and is 100 percent against medication. I’ve never taken meds before for it. Recently I’ve really been struggling from health anxiety around myself and my kids and have been in a state. I don’t really talk to him about it ( or anyone ) as he doesn’t get it. Fine, some people just don’t. I did open up one night and told him I was struggling a lot and I was finally considering meds. He said I’ll be a zombie and won’t be able to look after my kids etc.

I explained that it really helps some people and he just said he’s absolutely against it. Anyway, I started the meds and haven’t told him. I started two weeks ago and feel fine so far. Anyway, that’s just one example.

My DD school are saying she has attention difficulties and just doesn’t get stuff in the classroom. He won’t hear it. He says she’s just a child and she’s fine. She’s 6. I said that clearly something isn’t right, why else would they be taking time out to have meetings with us ? He thinks it’s all bollocks. They’re not diagnosing her yet or putting her on any path, but if they do, I know he just won’t accept it.

Brother in laws finance opened up the other day that she had some mental health issues and was on meds and it really helped her etc. DH remarked how she was a ‘ keeper ‘ and how the hell did his brother end up with someone like that who was full of issues. She doesn’t have a great job, isn’t even that good looking and now this as well.

it’s like he categorises women like that- how good looking are you, how much money can you bring, how good are you at house stuff / mothering. If you fall short on those, it’s like you don’t have much worth to him.

is this the way many men think deep down and Judy don’t say it or is he really just horrible ?

SSRI’s have their place. Discuss with your GP your concerns re the dark thoughts.
You maybe won’t need them in the long term but please seek support OP.

It’s really important to be careful about interpreting this kind of data. Correlation doesn’t equal causation. People who are prescribed SSRIs are already experiencing depression or anxiety, both of which are linked to a higher risk of suicide compared to the general population. So higher rates of suicide in people taking SSRIs doesn’t mean the medication is causing it.

There’s a large body of evidence showing that SSRIs can be effective for many people, particularly in reducing symptoms of depression and helping them function day to day (there would have to be or they wouldn’t be allowed to be prescribed). They’re not perfect, and they don’t work for everyone, but for some people they can be life-changing. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

I have and they’ve prescribed them and I’m taking them. I’ve had them prescribed twice before at different points but this time is the first time I’ve actually taken them. It’s been two weeks and I haven’t felt worse so far to be fair. Maybe a bit more anxious around scanning myself for illnesses and worrying about it but it’s not extreme and I’m handling it ok. In fact, I’ve stopped myself from googling symptoms so that’s a good thing as I know I’ll just spiral anyway.

Put this caveman back and 90% of all your MH issues will be reversed.

FGS get rid of this idiot, your mental well being will improve no end and you may well find you won't need the anti depressants anymore.
Do it for your d if nothing else, she is learning this is normal in how men treat women.

Because it’s always something ! I’ve had a bad neck and now lots of post nasal drip and my voice is really croaky. Now my lower back hurts too haha. It’s always something. But the important thing is that I realise that these are not symptoms of a terrible disease but just transient. My neck pain is gone now. It was really bad last week. My voice and throat is still a bit sore ( virus ) and lower back pain is just something I get sometimes and have had over many years.

I'd read some of those inquest reports and then decide.

https://www.bmj.com/content/388/bmj.r67

There is great interest in playing down the risk of SSRIs because the type of treatments that are more likely to work are so expensive and many actions would require a general improvement in our quality of life as a society.

This whole idea of being against someone seeking medical help, it’s not his body or mind.

can you imagine if he broke his leg and you said to him, I’m against medical intervention & you’ll be on crutches and maybe a wheel chair - best leave the leg to feel itself. He would tell you not to be so ridiculous and then it’s totally different from using medical intervention for another illness. It’s not totally different and it’s one reason why 80% of suicice are males not females. Females are much more likely to seek medical help rather than the male attitude of ignoring the illnesses

Try a different therapist and therapy type. Honestly for long term mental health it will support you better. I find that you need a good 'fit' of therapists to get anywhere and I personally am always more comfortable with more action focused cbt influenced therapy. My husband on the other hand has been seeing a person centered therapist long term and finds that very helpful.

@CutelittlepuppyI have done CBT and psychoanalytic therapy. I have done it for years- both. Most recently CBT, which I found patronising tbh. And also emotionally cold. I tried 3 different CBT therapists. I just feel like I’m over therapy. Honestly I’ve done it for years and I feel like I’ve done my time with it. I’ve also read so many books on therapy, CBT and otherwise. Maybe in the future I’ll feel like going back, but right now I just don’t. I’ve analysed the shit out of myself and I know why I struggle but it doesn’t change anything for me.

He's a shit. For once NAMALT is an accurate statement of the case.

My dad has the same attitude. Some people just do not understand mental health at all.

one of my friends killed himself a few years ago. He suffered from depression for years. He was such a fighter but eventually, he couldn’t fight anymore. I told my dad and my dad said how selfish it was and how many people he knows who have cancer and would wish for another day but don’t get that choice.

a lot of people really just don’t understand it at all. I’m sad my friend is gone but I understand why he’s gone and I don’t think he was selfish. He tried very very hard for many years.

This (attached screenshot) was on my ig feed just before I read your post!
Im sorry, op. Sadly a lot of this is still very relevant.

I feel for you being married to such a man, get your finances in order, speak to a solicitor and get out of there.

@dhandhisviews

When I saw the thread title I thought “neanderthal” was an exaggeration but it turns out that you are right. Yikes.

Have you spoken to him about his views in a wider context? Does he think people receiving chemo for
cancer are weaker / less than?

Have you had a neutral conversation about what he sees his value add to the family as being? Since yours is looks, mothering and never needing mental health support.

I’d be curious to probe his thought processes. Personally I’d find his thinking very unattractive but I’d still want to draw him out on his ridiculous views before setting him straight.

I was really consumed by thoughts of death, illness and disasters tearing me apart from my children and I don’t want to live in that dark place anymore.

Makes perfect sense given who your children would be left with.

Well I was recently made redundant and I don’t bring in any money at the moment. I’m also not the best housewife and my DD is clearly struggling at school and my youngest is a little terror. I also don’t always want to have sex and I clearly have health and mental health issues. So I’m guessing he thinks he got a bad deal with me? I don’t know. That’s how I feel he thinks of me and what I’m bringing to the table !

How he spoke about the brother in law's fiancée is outrageous, like she's a piece of meat.
He sounds very judgemental and emotionally immature, unable to deal with anything that's not his definition of perfect.
This man won't have your back in tough times by the sounds of it. If your mental health struggles or that of your DC, I don't think he'd be able to handle it. He'll pass off his ignorance and inability to cope with meaningless statements like 'it is what it is' or just deny the problems exist. He doesn't sound like he has respect for professionals or others opinions either, for example not wanting to listen to the school's opinions on DC's needs.

I think he thinks he brings quite a lot to the table because he makes good money, is good looking and doesn’t have health issues.

His attitude is very unattractive.
Hope you are feeling better now with the medication.

He is ignorant, arrogant, just bloody awful...and he's proud of it.

Don't think there's much you can do. He won't be educated by you so what is there? Listen to his crap and watch him deny you both appropriate support, or accept you're not compatible and initiate a split.
Scary stuff, I know. I sympathise with you enormously. He won't see the light I'm afraid. Not ever.
Best of luck. Poor you. X

But he’s a horrible person so none of this matters.

It doesn’t make a difference whether he’s got a good job or is good looking if his attitude and personality is making you miserable and is denying you and your daughter the help and support you need.

To him, women are fuckable domestic appliances and he wants the 'high end' brand that won't malfunction (i.e., is she pretty, wealthy and healthy).

He sounds absolutely rancid, how you tolerate living alongside him, I don't know. His attitude will start effecting your daughter, sooner or later.

have you looked into OCD OP? Those intrusive thoughts need addressing
you can self refer for therapy on the NHS alongside meds
you mentioned that you have tried talking therapy but please consider that there is a lot of variety in talking therapies, from the different character / education etc of the therapist to the mode of therapy that they deliver, it’s really worth trying a different approach
also to say, if your daughter is being flagged as potentially having some neuro divergence I’d suggest it’s worth looking at traits that you and / or your husband have as it’s likely at least one of you may also be ND, this might also link to your high levels of anxiety and intrusive thoughts, or it may not! But definitely worth considering I would say
all in all, please for your own sake and that of your child, put your needs on the table and address them, it would be awfully sad to live your life on someone else’s terms

Have you considered also that you may be ND? Given what you’ve said about your DD also I think it’s worth considering.