My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

[dhandhisviews]

It’s a bunch of things really. Mental health for example- I’ve struggled for a long time off and on- especially after I had babies, but he never really acknowledged it and is 100 percent against medication. I’ve never taken meds before for it. Recently I’ve really been struggling from health anxiety around myself and my kids and have been in a state. I don’t really talk to him about it ( or anyone ) as he doesn’t get it. Fine, some people just don’t. I did open up one night and told him I was struggling a lot and I was finally considering meds. He said I’ll be a zombie and won’t be able to look after my kids etc.

I explained that it really helps some people and he just said he’s absolutely against it. Anyway, I started the meds and haven’t told him. I started two weeks ago and feel fine so far. Anyway, that’s just one example.

My DD school are saying she has attention difficulties and just doesn’t get stuff in the classroom. He won’t hear it. He says she’s just a child and she’s fine. She’s 6. I said that clearly something isn’t right, why else would they be taking time out to have meetings with us ? He thinks it’s all bollocks. They’re not diagnosing her yet or putting her on any path, but if they do, I know he just won’t accept it.

Brother in laws finance opened up the other day that she had some mental health issues and was on meds and it really helped her etc. DH remarked how she was a ‘ keeper ‘ and how the hell did his brother end up with someone like that who was full of issues. She doesn’t have a great job, isn’t even that good looking and now this as well.

it’s like he categorises women like that- how good looking are you, how much money can you bring, how good are you at house stuff / mothering. If you fall short on those, it’s like you don’t have much worth to him.

is this the way many men think deep down and Judy don’t say it or is he really just horrible ?

So, what does he bring to the table then?
If housework isn't your forte and you were working, presumably having a cleaner wasn't an issue.
If your dd isn't paying attention at school, how was he at school? What's his highest qual if his standards are so exacting? PhD I hope.
Why exactly did you have to go back to work if being rich is of such value to him? Does he not have his own fortune?

I doubt it. He's therefore a mysgynistic twerp ruined by his parents.

Regarding therapy op, we fpund with dd tgst they were like new shoes - you had to try many before getting the right fit. DD was also so low when we identified her issues, that she needed AD's to take off the edge and allow her to engage.

Being married to a chap like yours would make me unwell I think. TBF DH is a bit anti meds of all kinds but had been told to lump it and read up and the other things he brought have compensated. For example when ds wasn't paying attention aged 7/8 DH came to parents' evening (for once) asked the teacher what she was doing to stretch a bright boy, didn't like the answers, so told me to get his name down to sit the entrance exam for the local prep. I did, he got in. Coukd your DH support that?

It sounds as though some couples/family therapy would be helpful, or some parenting classes. Frankly if he wouldn't engage with that I'd leave him before your dc are much bigger. He can then be a real man and stump up maintenance and let you stay in the family home. Because, you know this, with his extensive strengths and assets he'll meet a wealthy heiress, probably a partner at a leading law firm, who is also very beautiful.

You've made your point twice. Maybe give it a rest now.

She hadn’t made any “point”. As this poster does on every thread on mumsnet… just spouts crap, annoys people and then eventually is ignored and so shuffles off

He sounds obnoxious and draining.

As PP have said, I suspect that a year out of splitting, you will find your MH has improved dramatically.

It’s this. So many women go through therapy, medication etc for anxiety, depression, a myriad of conditions, and it’s actually their living conditions and a total dickhead in their face all the time which is the problem.

Another vote for horrible. He sounds like he’s really hard work to me and you and your DD deserve better. Meds for depression can be life changing and school don’t calm you in to talk about these things lightly. It sounds like he’s got issues himself honestly. Dose he spend a lot of time listening to these masculinity influencers online by any chance?

Ok, but the last thing OP needs is to read this rubbish on every page on her thread after starting on prescribed medication. Wasn't aware of the history.

Why does he think he can tell you what to do regarding taking medication?

it’s not just women who get that sort of judgement - it’s also men. It’s like ‘ what do they bring to the table ‘. It just seems harsh but that’s why I sort of asked - do most men feel this way ?
@dhandhisviews

Not all men feel this way but men involved in the manosphere do. Toxic, unbalanced, dangerous men.

@GlovedhandsCecilia should be laughed at and ignored!

What you are claiming is categorically wrong.

Maybe you should stop reading rubbish on dodgy conspiracy sites?

Do you know what doesn’t improve society? Spreading misinformation.
HTH

@dhandhisviews

Just a few things which I have found over the years, which may help you to understand yourself or perhaps find a way of helping yourself- obviously they may not apply but in case they are useful.

I was terribly depressed and anxious when I was with my daughter’s dad. Basically because he was horrible to me and I couldn’t do anything right. He also gaslit and lied to me so I lost all sense of what was real. Leaving was very hard but I got better almost at once (incrementally and some habits have stayed, but he was really making me ill and my recovery started when I left).

I have always struggled with my mental health and have seen a lot of therapists. CBT was useless for me, but one therapist told me that it isn’t designed to challenge your core beliefs, so for someone like me it didn’t help. What I found really useful was parts work, internal family systems/IFS. And compassionate inquiry, which is a mode of therapy developed by Gabor Maté.

I have also recently begun expressing my mental discomfort in my physical body- struggling for months with increasingly debilitating back pain, which began to resolve after I submitted the final piece of work for a qualification I was working towards. After I learned I’d passed, the recovery sped up dramatically and now I’m almost fine- six months ago I really thought I might have some sort of rheumatoid arthritis. I might wonder about your back pain and your home life (and redundancy).

I recently learned things which make me think I’m not a depressive or ADHD, but that I have a form of CPTSD which may be developmental trauma. Linked to my babyhood and childhood, reinforced during my adolescence, and then in all my relationships as an adult up to the age of about 37. It can present very similarly to ADHD and for me, it mapped exactly the way I’ve always been, answering all the “oh but this” parts where other conditions didn’t quite apply to me.

Finally, if you have a holistic situation in your life, as you do- stress around mental and physical health, work, love, family- you may benefit from seeing a holistic practitioner. I can say more if you would like, just send me a DM, but a lot of stuff can be worked through by considering you as a whole person rather than a collection of disparate symptoms.

He is really just horrible. Most men are not like that. I couldn’t spend my life with someone like that.

Why are you repeating this over and over? SSRIs are not issue-free but a large and very rigorous Cochrane Review found SSRIs do work for moderate to severe depression and anxiety.

You might as well go on the waiting list unless you’re planning to go private. Those two years will pass anyway, but at least you’ll get an assessment at the end if you get referred now. I don’t think waiting lists will get much shorter anytime soon

I was recently offered antidepressants for my health anxiety. I put them off until after breastfeeding but my husband would have supported me. I have been pushing for my ds to be put on the AUDHD pathway (you're right, schools don't say these things without good reason). Husband supported us.
Your husband's problem isn't his weird regressive rules, it's that he's so domineering and controlling that his wife has to hide from him the fact that she got medication for her own body.
He's terrible.

How is it helpful to come on to a thread where a woman is talking about her mental health and the fact her husband is unsupportive of her to the point she's taking medication secretly, and start banging on about why you personally 'aren't for' SSRIs? What the fuck is wrong with some people?

OP I'm sorry your husband is being so unsupportive. You sound incredibly unhappy. I hope your medication helps and you can focus on your daughter and your own direction with a clear head.

Walking evidence of SSRIs working. As you say they're not issue free but did they do what it says on the tin and help anxiety? Yes they did.

Because lots of people share the same views as her husband given lots of evidence that suggests they arent effective.

These are women who have faced lots of trauma and abuse, as well as having a drug and/or alcohol dependency, and yet they never self harmed until they were on SSRIs. Or found themselves in prison maybe??

I had great success with St Johns Wort (max strength from boots) and then when I lived somewhere I couldn't get that, 5-HTP. Don't combine those with SSRIs though.

BUT - now I don't take either - I'm on creatine (15mg/day - Lidl/Aldi - I just shot it in water first thing in the morning), got my iron levels up (which were in the pits due to heavy periods), and that seems to have sorted out my energy levels, which in turn have sorted out the anxiety and not wanting to do anything issues I was having.

So if you want to try something other than SSRIs (which have some issues, but also absolutely help some people too) that's what helped me.

They typically have short sentences. Some have been in prison before but werent prescribed SSRIs. It was that prescription that changed their behaviours.

Lots of people also value women by how good looking they are. Like the OP’s husband. I guess an arsehole might also come along with ‘research’ showing that.

OP, your husband sounds really awful. I’m so sorry.

I too think you might be a lot happier without him in your home.

Lots of people value men by their earning and asset gathering potential.