My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

[dhandhisviews]

It’s a bunch of things really. Mental health for example- I’ve struggled for a long time off and on- especially after I had babies, but he never really acknowledged it and is 100 percent against medication. I’ve never taken meds before for it. Recently I’ve really been struggling from health anxiety around myself and my kids and have been in a state. I don’t really talk to him about it ( or anyone ) as he doesn’t get it. Fine, some people just don’t. I did open up one night and told him I was struggling a lot and I was finally considering meds. He said I’ll be a zombie and won’t be able to look after my kids etc.

I explained that it really helps some people and he just said he’s absolutely against it. Anyway, I started the meds and haven’t told him. I started two weeks ago and feel fine so far. Anyway, that’s just one example.

My DD school are saying she has attention difficulties and just doesn’t get stuff in the classroom. He won’t hear it. He says she’s just a child and she’s fine. She’s 6. I said that clearly something isn’t right, why else would they be taking time out to have meetings with us ? He thinks it’s all bollocks. They’re not diagnosing her yet or putting her on any path, but if they do, I know he just won’t accept it.

Brother in laws finance opened up the other day that she had some mental health issues and was on meds and it really helped her etc. DH remarked how she was a ‘ keeper ‘ and how the hell did his brother end up with someone like that who was full of issues. She doesn’t have a great job, isn’t even that good looking and now this as well.

it’s like he categorises women like that- how good looking are you, how much money can you bring, how good are you at house stuff / mothering. If you fall short on those, it’s like you don’t have much worth to him.

is this the way many men think deep down and Judy don’t say it or is he really just horrible ?

I think they most definitely do think this way some of them just hide it better than others. I prefer the ones that don’t hide it. At least you know what you’ve got to deal with.

@dhandhisviews I suspect you will start to feel ‘better’ because you’ve taken some control regarding your MH. SSRIs can be really useful to get you to a space where you can think clearly to access other support. The right kind of talking therapy could be very valuable. Even though you don’t have a diagnosis of ADHD a therapist with some specialism in neurodiversity could be really helpful. Good luck.

So what about this thug appealed to you??

I do think there's a scale of how much navel gazing we all need to do re mental health, Im in the camp of thinking we have got a bit over obsessed with it & need a bit of a return to resilience/sucking it up and getting on with life. Everyone taking SSRIs all the time isn't the answer.

But someone who is ignoring school saying your child needs help & is judgy about someone who isn't that well paid... ew.

So? Bugger off and take your soapbox with you.

So?

Why does other women having opinions make you so angry?

I haven't RTFT but I assume others have suggested this, I was actually going to ask you about this because of what you mentioned about your daughter. Please start the process ASAP, I know it's disheartening that it takes years, it was 4 years for me between first going and getting meds and I had tried everything else I could think of in the meantime and the ADHD meds are the only thing that helped. There is a pathway called Right to Choose you can normally do which is generally a little faster but it still takes years, there's a facebook group called 'Adult ADHD / Autism Diagnosis - Right to Choose' which I found helpful in navigating the process.

Some neurodivergent people do take SSRIs, I think there are some which are supposed to be better for ADHD, but I have also been told ND people respond very differently to meds so it's more likely without the diagnosis that the meds they're prescribing won't be the right ones for you. I was like you in that I struggled on and off for years with mood and I tried a couple of different SSRIs but they did not help whereas ADHD meds have been life changing.

You don’t have to wait for adhd assessment for 2 years. Tell your GP that you want to go down the “Right to Choose” route. It’s much quicker.

Untreated adhd causes anxiety & depression. You feel “less than” because you are constantly beating yourself up about the things you seemingly can’t do (when everyone else manages to breeze along).

IRO your husband. Well, where to start. He’s controlling you. He’s a classic example of a narcissist. What’s happened in his childhood to make him different to his brother ?

You may have only just started to realise he’s this way because it’s often a slow burn. Very charming at first but slowly chipping away until you are less than zero. I’ll bet you are a kind empath, They go for our type - I’ve been there trust me when I say he will ruin you and your child.

He should have no control over your autonomy and the fact you are being forced to hide that you are taking meds is upsetting.

He is not a Neanderthal he is a controlling, manipulative, narcissistic and dangerous man.

I recommend watching this: https://www.youtube.com/live/4q8buwrMZTI?si=Uq5tYVS-f85Gk939

100% this.

They aren’t for everyone but I have been on antidepressants and they massively helped me. Seek the advice of your doctor.

He’s a pig.

But surely you knew this before you married him?

@dhandhisviews if the wait for an ADHD diagnosis is 2 years then (unless you were planning on paying for it and getting one done privately more quickly) then please do start the process as at least you'll be ticking down to the 2 year wait and they may have something come up more quickly.

With your DD, if her writing isn't very good could you ask the school if they think it may be possible she has dyspraxia? There is a fairly hefty cross over with dyspraxia and ADHD (I think about 30% have both and often OCD too) and the earlier she is picked up, the more help she can get and the process for extra support during exams can start to be put in motion.

p.s., and yes, your 'D'H is an arse and he clearly is going to start on your daughter as being 'not perfect' too fairly soon 🙁

Or dysgraphia.

I'm also thinking that you might be ND. I'm only basing this off the health anxiety/OCD - which loads of us have. Maybe your DD has adhd? And very probably your H is a mid range narcissist (see Dr Ramani on YouTube).

Sorry - I know people get told off for armchair diagnosing but I've been quite obsessed with ND and narcissism for about 12 years. I'm autistic with inattentive adhd, kids with autism and audhd, exH is a narcissist, DM with eupd, hours every day on here reading the same sorts of posts. I just look for patterns and this has some very obvious parallels with my marriage. My poor DS23 has only just been diagnosed because of his dad objecting to everything I've said because he was always determined to believe in my inferior intelligence.

ChatGPT can be good for calming health anxiety but make sure it knows that you are anxious before you ask it anything and obviously don't take its word on everything.

You’re derailing the OP’s thread. She has come to ask advice about her husband not her antidepressants. So whilst you are very entitled to your opinion, maybe once you’ve made your pint you move on

I hear you 🤗it's likely your daughter may have ADHD too, and if so she will be so lucky if she is aware of this at 8 rather than 48.

How old are you, as if you're in peri it's likely that lowered or fluctuating oestrogen levels are also playing their part. A lot of us don't realise we have ADHD until this point as Oestrogen mitigates a lot of the symptoms.

I did..other posters asked me to elaborate on the posts I wrote so I did.

To those advocating against medication, I can only talk about my own experience. I used ssris l when I had a mental breakdown. I'd been trying to cope for years and follow the "just stop worrying" or Just remember there are people a lot worse off than you" mentality. Unfortunately this approach eventually led to a collapse where I literally couldn't function, couldn't eat or stay awake and lost weight very rapidly. I used the medication for around 6 months to get me through the worst while I had therapy. They enabled me to function enough to leave the house and attend counselling, stay present to be able to eat and hold a conversation. If managed properly they can be a real help. They may not work for everyone but I can honestly say they were a lifesaver for me.

What a load of old bollocks.

Without SSRIs I would have hanged myself long ago. I'm still here thanks to medication.

Lots of wild views and misinformation on here OP. Bottom line is your husband is a cruel misogynists who's trashing your self esteem. Please consider leaving him.

Men like this often jump ship for younger women when normal ageing or illness become part of life - get ahead of him.

Start over with a peaceful new life for you and your precious girl.

He sounds repulsive. I dated someone like this in my early 20s can’t imagine being married to him now. I’d honestly consider leaving him.

I’ve never actually replied to a post before, but I wanted to because a lot of the things you are saying point to something you might not have considered- so many undiagnosed neurodivergent women are diagnosed with anxiety / depression, and given antidepressants (including me). Given you said your daughter might have ADHD, it’s likely that you may have it (heritability is more than 60%). You also talk about neck / back pain, and getting unwell a lot - 50% of ND folks have hypermobility that leads to joint pain / problems. We also have poor immune systems, chronic fatigue, many issues to be honest! Once I got a diagnosis, and adhd meds, my whole life has completely transformed - I was able to understand why I respond to things the way I do, why I struggle a lot with certain things, stop self-blaming and feeling like it was all my fault and I just needed to “try harder”. The meds have helped so so much and I realised I have never been depressed, just trying to function like a neurotypical person an that was taking a huge toll on me mentally and physically. Something to think about anyway. I wish you well.

Why are you with this pathetic judgemental idiot?

@dhandhisviews - do get yourself on the waiting list for an ADHD diagnosis. It is a long wait. I waited 2 years from being accepted by Physchiatry UK; to diagnosis and finally medication, but it has been worth it. It seemed a daunting wait at first, but just knowing I would get there in the end helped x

I'm going to be a third poster to say the same thing.

After many years the mental health problems turn into physical auto immune problems and then you are really fucked.

Get far away OP, while you are still physically able.

My MIL is another one who doesn’t believe in poor mental health. Or my DC having an asd diagnosis. I think because she can’t see it so it’s not real. And because she’s an ignorant twat.

I’m glad you’re taking the medication. He doesn’t have to as it’s not his body. He has no right to tell you what to do with yours. Also if you want your DD diagnosed or even looked into I would get on the pathway regardless as it can take years.