My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

[dhandhisviews]

It’s a bunch of things really. Mental health for example- I’ve struggled for a long time off and on- especially after I had babies, but he never really acknowledged it and is 100 percent against medication. I’ve never taken meds before for it. Recently I’ve really been struggling from health anxiety around myself and my kids and have been in a state. I don’t really talk to him about it ( or anyone ) as he doesn’t get it. Fine, some people just don’t. I did open up one night and told him I was struggling a lot and I was finally considering meds. He said I’ll be a zombie and won’t be able to look after my kids etc.

I explained that it really helps some people and he just said he’s absolutely against it. Anyway, I started the meds and haven’t told him. I started two weeks ago and feel fine so far. Anyway, that’s just one example.

My DD school are saying she has attention difficulties and just doesn’t get stuff in the classroom. He won’t hear it. He says she’s just a child and she’s fine. She’s 6. I said that clearly something isn’t right, why else would they be taking time out to have meetings with us ? He thinks it’s all bollocks. They’re not diagnosing her yet or putting her on any path, but if they do, I know he just won’t accept it.

Brother in laws finance opened up the other day that she had some mental health issues and was on meds and it really helped her etc. DH remarked how she was a ‘ keeper ‘ and how the hell did his brother end up with someone like that who was full of issues. She doesn’t have a great job, isn’t even that good looking and now this as well.

it’s like he categorises women like that- how good looking are you, how much money can you bring, how good are you at house stuff / mothering. If you fall short on those, it’s like you don’t have much worth to him.

is this the way many men think deep down and Judy don’t say it or is he really just horrible ?

Have you considered that your mental health issues and anxiety are worse because of yoir husband?

If I was unsupported and constantly criticised, I imagine I would feel negative about myself and become anxious?

He doesn't appear to provide you sny dupport, encouragement, help, positivity etc.

Look into developmental trauma, honestly. As well as ADHD.

Maybe I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s him or what. Honestly I don’t know what’s real and q what’s not. Am I just sensitive ? I’ve been told my whole life I’m just too sensitive and takes things too personally. Also, no one in my life gets it at all. The mental health stuff or me. That’s how it feels. So I just don’t talk about it to anyone. No one knows I’m trying the medication. There’s just no point. My family won’t understand as they just don’t get mental health at all either. My parents think I have had such a charmed life compared to them and I’m just weak.

I think I could talk to my new sis in law about it. I think she’ll be the only one who can understand it and her future husband, as he’s obviously supportive.

How does it impact someone if their significant other doesn’t believe they have MH issues / adhd ? He just thinks it’s all normal and I’m not different to anyone else and not everting is ‘ an issue ‘.

The same way invalidating any other aspect of that person would impact.

Let’s say you had endometriosis and he said it wasn’t that painful. Or hay fever/food allergy and he said you were imagining it. Or hearing loss and he said you were making it up.

He’s not an expert in the field and his opinion is irrelevant.

none of your posts suggest he has any redeeming features, OP. He’s not supporting you or your children and seems hell bent on creating a toxic atmosphere for you all.

You can’t change him, so the only choices you have are to extract yourself from him.

Exactly this. I know they work because I’m alive and functioning and I wouldn’t be without them. The blanket denial that they work usually comes from the sort of people who think that people can cure themselves of depression by just pulling themselves together, taking a parsley supplement and going for a nice long walk. It’s so fucking tedious and it frightens me how many people have been lost because they’ve been frightened out of taking them by some dickhead who knows fuck all about them.

OP, I think this is your wake up call. Your husband is not a good man and I don’t think you or your DD will have a very happy life if you stay with him.

I think Ted Bundy’s girlfriend said something quite similar about him.

Obviously I’m not suggesting he’s a serial killer, but is that really enough for you? You fancy him, he’s healthy and the bills are paid? That’s not much for a happy life. Don’t you want someone you actually like? Someone who is nice to you?

@WilfredsPiesit’s not enough and I don’t really feel attraction anyway. I just don’t feel seen or heard or taken seriously by him most of the time.

I would say this is a form of abuse and it is not typical of men at all.

A few years ago I had a very bad resurgence of MH issues. I was off work for over a year and acutely unwell for around 10 months, hospitalised twice. My husband was amazing. He has consistently always said 'bad health happens and when it does we help each other' and 'this is what we signed up for'. I had serious episodes before we were married so he didn't go in blind.

He supported me, looked after our daughter and never once did I feel his support waver or be conditional. I do think he's an exceptional person - that's why I married him - but I don't think he's exceptional as a man. I know my brother would have and has done similar in his relationship and countless other men I know take MH very seriously as well as supporting a partner.

You are more than any label or struggle and he sounds horrible and very shallow.

And for the record I have taken SSRIs most of my adult life, including when pregnant and breastfeeding. I was advised to stay on them during that time as all the research indicates that there is very little to no impact on the baby and the impact of the mother being severely mentall unwell is much larger. My kid is now a healthy, happy 9 year old.

What medication you take is ultimately your decision and I find being a functioning parent to my child invaluable! I am also in the 'is it ND or developmental trauma?' space and it's hard to know, but you don't need a label to get support and try new strategies to work with who you are instead of against yourself or trying to fit into rigid social rules.

Hang in there and give yourself permission to take care of yourself.

Ugh he's horrible and is going to give your poor daughter trauma by not supporting her. LTB. You might find your mental health approves.