Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

My mum was the same as yours, but it sounds like she didn't enjoy being a mum/ having kids in the first place, so why would she enjoy grandkids?

What goes around comes around. You may find yourself very lonely in the future.

Eh? Isn't the odd bit of childcare one of the pleasures of being a grandparent? You'll form a much stronger bond.

My parents have a similar attitude to you. I didn’t expect them to do much childcare but their ‘I won’t help out ever’ approach has put put a massive strain on my relationship with them and my children are not remotely close to them. You do what you want but don’t expect to have a relationship with this grad hold you claim to be excited about. There is a massive different between not wanting to do 9-5 childcare 5 days a week and helping out in emergencies

Just something to think about-having seen my parents in a care home, we worked out that the difference between those elderly individuals who had many frequent visitors and those who didn’t depended on whether they had been part of every day life for the young families and helped out etc. So it was natural that the grand kids (and great grand kids) etc continued to want to see their grandparents in the home as they had built up close bonds. You may want to bear this in mind before you impose such black and white boundaries….

Have them if it suits you and don't if it doesn't. If you've made it clear you're not entering into a regular thing, then I don't see what the problem is.

So the only way to have a relationship with her daughter and grandchild is by providing childcare?

You do you.

You won't be any good doing things you're not interested in or if your heart's not in it.

My mother has never had the time, the interest or anything .... ever. I wish I'd never tried and I wish I'd never taken her word for things when she never meant them....and it was always about her. She needs me when she needs something done. Full stop.

My children don't want to engage with her now they've grown up...and they only do it for me.

Nope. My parents told all their children they wouldn’t be providing childcare, that they’d done their bit and are too tired and too old. We all planned around it and have all been utterly self-sufficient: paid childcare, sorted between parents, sorted with friends, sleepovers with cousins, unpaid leave, self-employment, becoming an SAHM etc. My parents have done their bit by raising us while caring for their parents (2 out of 4), and in their hour of need I will do my bit for them while raising my children. This is a parent who didn’t sort out childcare for her job: not an emergency, not illness, not hospitalization or fire in the house. She just didn’t realise nursery wouldn’t be open over Easter holidays. I mean, seriously? How did she expect to go to work without someone to look after her child? She’s had a whole year to organize this and it’s week 1! It’s poor parenting and then poor daughtering expecting your mum to pick up the pieces of a mess of your own making.

It seems the concept of duty has gone out of fashion. My relationship with my parents isn’t a transactional “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours”. How does that even work with a parent and child?! Parents have a duty to their children: OP had a duty to her DD, but this DD seems to want to fob her duty to her child (to make suitable arrangements for her to be looked after while she’s at work) off onto her mum.

And how would it work for the grandchild whose parent got childcare from her grandparent? Would she still be expected to care for her mother when she’s elderly? After all, she was derelict her maternal duty to her child…

….you “might reconsider in a day or two”.. you are likely only adding to her stresses..she’s a new-ish mum, now trying to get back working.
Id say she’s on the right path here, doing her best, but that she has the difficulty of a very unhelpful mum.
I get not wanting to commit to an ‘every week regular thing’, but this sounds like an unforeseen one off to me… yes, you are being unreasonable IMO

Blimey if that’s you excited about something I dread to think what ‘not keen’ involves. What a grump - pretty sure the grandchild will probably do better avoiding you anyway.

middle ground of 1 or 2 days sounds good. I can be quite black and white all Or nothing so I’m looking for middle grounds more… a full week of childcare is a lot.

I can't imagine being like this with my DD and DGC. If she's not organised maybe try to help her to plan ahead properly. Is the father around?

So, if a child has been given a wonderful childhood - loving parents, given all they need and most of what they want, supported, encouraged, perhaps financially assisted through university and possibly in their young adult lives, supported emotionally and physically- but their mother/father/parents don't want to commit to doing childcare for the grandchildren, it's understandable that they should be cast aside when they're older?

All the good and wonderful things those parents did for their child, immediately negated because they don't want to commit to childcare for grandchildren?

What a horrible mindset to have.

No, not at all. But if you don't help a person when they're going through a stressful life event it's going to have a negative impact on the relationship. And going back to work after mat leave of your first baby is a difficult, upsetting and stressful experience.

The OP wants her DD to learn a lesson, to become a self sufficient, independent person. The DD might learn that lesson by way of "mum isn't there for me when I'm in need" and she might not look to her mum as a reliable person in her life so much in the future. A sudden change in the established expectations of their relationship at this moment in time would feel hurtful and confusing. That might affect how she includes her mum in her life in the good times and the bad - emotional self preservation of a self sufficient, independent person.

Sure, the DD might need to rely on her mum less, maybe she is too flaky, not independent enough. I just don't think this particular moment is the right one to choose to change the established pattern of their relationship

nothing, that’s fine. But when someone says their grandchild is their world, don’t mock them for it. It’s callous and unnecessary.

Luckily the concept of duty has gone out of fashion - being forced to give up your life to care for elderley parents is no longer expected. There is at home support and care home provisions that do a great job and you can maintain a parent/child relationship not a parent/carer.
I don't think it is transactional, but a relationship is 2 way. Parents who do nothing for you and leave you to struggle and then demand you give up your life to care for them are unreasonable.
My parents have been there for me and I have been there for them, we are close and I will continue to provide support when they need it because we have a good relationship and I love them - not because I owe then

Are you saying no to your lovely daughter’s request just to teach her a lesson or because you have other commitments or because you just don’t want to do it. Are you in poor health.? Hard to know how to advise without knowing more of what’s going on.

It actually sounds as if you want to teach her a lesson to be more organised so that she won’t ask again. If so, I think that’s a bit harsh…not the way to help her learn.
I would ask the nursery for two copies of their calendar and stick one up on your fridge so that you can help your DD with reminders to plan ahead in future until she gets into the rhythm of life as a full time working mum.

I would also do all I could to help her with her forward thinking and time management ….and to keep her receptive to developing a bit more common sense if you feel she hasn’t got much.

It’s a massive thing to have to go back to work full time when all your senses are pulling you the opposite way from child care. I’d be tempted to allow her to lean on you a little bit. Better to be generous with child care help and guidance rather than risk pushing her away.

Has DD got anybody else she can ask other than you to care for her baby? I hate to think of the child having to be farmed out to a total stranger because she has made this mistake. It’s a very vulnerable time for them both OP.

You sound very cold.

If she has a MIL I hope to God she is much more supportive and helpful than you are.

How are you lot realistically planning on being childcare for what could be 10+ grandchildren with retirement age going up and the age people start having kids going up. Are you planning on quitting your jobs or just doing it for your golden child and none of your others. This could quite easily end up being about 20 + years of childcare if you want to treat all your children and grandchildren the same. Are you still planning on looking after children multiple times a week in your 80s and 90s. I don't have grandkids yet but I will not be offering regular childcare as I don't see how it would be realistic and fair between all children and grandchildren. I will absolutely help out where I can but I certainly won't be agreeing to every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. I would also like a life to.

Right, and that’s as it should be. But what is making you think OP has done “nothing” for her daughter? Hasn’t she raised her? Hasn’t she done enough without now having to start all over again 30-ish years older?

(Nobody is forcing anyone to give up their life to care for the elderly, I don’t even see that suggested anywhere. My parents brought my grandparents to live with us the last couple of years of their lives, they paid for carers to do the heavy lifting while they worked and raised children, but they both passed “at home” surrounded by family. Because we all loved them. It was out of duty, but a willingly shouldered duty.)

All relationships have some level of reciprocity. It makes me laugh when posters claim this isnt the case.

I think that taking zero interest in your children’s children is definitely a relationship ruiner, despite all the nice things you did for your children, yes.

But i don't think anyone is talking about zero interest in their grandchildren they are saying they don't want to or can't be regular childcare. Obviously if you went to visit your mum and she said ewww get that thing out of my house then you would have a point