Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

I raised my kids because I chose to have them - that doesn't oblige them to return the favour
To me, it is the support you offer and love you show when you aren't legally required that reveals your genuine feelings.
OP raised her kids - that was her obligation when she decided to have kids. Now she has fulfilled her legal requirement to parent she can step back, do her own thing, watch her daughter struggle but still expect support when she's old? That is transactional

I hate to say this but you are an ungrateful grandparent.. This is everything wrong with the West and Western ideology of selfishness. I am British born to South Asian parents and i will continue my parents values, which is similar to all South Asian families, which is to look after your grandchildren, they are not a burden, they are family. I can't believe you would rather watch your daughter struggle... This behaviour is so so bizarre

This - you only reap what you sow, if you want a close relationship with your gc it's nice to help your DD and look after your gc when you can. You sound selfish OP you don't give a reason why you can't help your DD, are you not concerned that if she can't find suitable childcare she may loose her job.

Tell me about! 😆

OP - you’re not expected to offer free childcare 24 hours a day 7 days a week, of course not, but with your attitude don’t be surprised when your daughter stops calling, stops visiting and your so called beloved grandkids tolerate your presence once or twice a year. But you won’t understand why 🙈 if you can even offer one day, I honestly don’t understand why you don’t.

And this is from someone whose kids have three sets of grandkids and doesn’t really get any support at all, from any of them.

I don’t know how you can’t see your own double standards: OP raised her kids, but her daughter is expecting OP to help her raise hers too!

OP chose to have kids: her daughter chose to have kids. OP raised her children because that was her obligation when she decided to have kids: her daughter has to raise hers because that’s HER obligation now she’s chosen to have them.

Again, this isn’t about emergencies or unforeseen circumstances: her mother didn’t do the basic job of looking at when nursery was closed. Totally foreseeable, absolute 101 of parenting. If you can change a nappy, you can ask nursery when it’s open/closed.

If you are not cancelling your own plans then I do not understand your reasoning. I know so many parents, myself included, that would not be able to cope through the school holidays without the help of both mine and my parents parents. They are alway more than happy to help and enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. My kids love depending the day with them, rather than an expensive holiday camp that they come home bored and complain about. I think you are being unreasonable not to help out from time to time if you are local!

I suppose it depends on the person. I wouldn’t expect a grandparent to do regular childcare, if they offered then amazing but I certainly wouldn’t expect it and I wouldn’t feel the need to exclude them from parts of our lives because of that. If a grandparent told me they wouldn’t be doing childcare before I had the baby I’d say that’s ok, it’s my baby my responsibility. I wouldn’t have a baby with the expectation of regular help. That’s for me to sort out.
On the other side of it though if a one of need came up, as a grandparent I’d help

I didnt mock anyone. However, when i see someone trying to be morally superior about their grandchildren and inferring that not thinking they are 'their world' makes them inferior then im comfortable calling that out.
Because its smug and unkind. And incorrect.

How is sitting around waiting and expecting your children to bring your grandchildren to you, to facilitate a relationship, taking an interest in your grandchildren?

Why is it expected that the effort should come from the people who are already incredibly time poor with working full time and raising young children?

Relationships are a 2 way street. Effort and interest from one side is a relationship killer.

I’m not sure what people don’t seem to understand about this.

Sure OP, don’t help, as you say, when will she learn?

Here’s what she will learn: you only want to be a grandparent when it’s convenient to you, when it’s fun, on your terms. You cannot be relied upon, even when genuinely needed, as you’re not willing to show up for the hard times. Don’t be surprised then when you are elderly and need her for care, for lifts, for day to day help, if she decides to follow your example, and rejects you back. It will be too late by then to fix it.

Here’s what your grandchildren will learn: other kids grandparents care, help, and show up. But theirs is too self centred. Theirs is lazy and uninterested in them. She only wants to engage when suits her, on her terms. Therefore, don’t be surprised if they reject you back.

If you don’t show up for the hard times, you don’t deserve to enjoy the good times. Whatever the circumstances. And going back to work and navigating child care is bloody hard.

Where did I write sitting around waiting for grandchildren to visit

My mistake - I thought the post was about some help with childcare - I didn't realise her daughter was dropping her kids off and leaving her to raising them for 18 years.
My grandparents looked after me when I was off school poorly as both parents were teachers and couldn't get time off - they also baby sat when my parents went out and took us for days out because they loved us and wanted to spend time with us - you're right I should totally refuse to have anything to do with my parents as they never raised me, they passed off their responsibility - my appalling double standard has been corrected!!

I've got a 1 and 4 year old and I've found going back to work really hard after my maternity leave ended both times. It's a lot to get used to with juggling everything such as the nursery holidays, child sickness and being on time for work, dropping offs and pick ups. Then there's the worrying about the baby coping with the new environment and organising the financial part of it all. It's really overwhelming, so I understand how she could forgot about a holiday or two. Luckily it all falls into place after a month or so and I was lucky enough to have had help from my mother in law otherwise I couldn't have gone back. Maybe you could help until she's back on her feet then discus any childcare after than.

Did I misread the OP? I didn't think this was about a request for regular childcare. I thought it was a request to cover a week where the child's nursery is apparently closed and the OPs daughter only learning this at the last moment, for whatever reason. The timing of this coincided with return to work after mat leave.

I wouldn't expect regular, ongoing child care from a grandparent either.

Obviously if you went to visit your mum and she said ewww get that thing out of my house then you would have a point

That’s not the first time you have mentioned taking children to visit their grandparents:

You don't need to be childcare to have a good relationship with children people can still visit, go for days out, go on holiday.

If you have a few hours a week free for childcare then you have a few hours free a week to actually visit

My grandparents never did childcare for us and one we saw most days as was on the school run so on our way home we visited

You clearly are of the view that the key to building a good relationship with a grandparent is for the time poor parent to put the effort in and facilitate this for the grandparent.

You don’t think that grandparents should be required to put any effort into building a relationship with their own grandchildren, and that’s fine.

But others don’t see it that way. They rightly feel a lack of interest from their parents towards their own children. A lack of effort from their parents to get to know or have a relationship with their grandchildren. And that is a relationship killer because all relationships are a 2 way street.

why is it unreliable to have warned someone you won't do something and then not do it?

I think you're getting a hard time OP. The way I read your posts was that the issue is DD is disorganised and unreliable and you are fed up with having to keep stepping in to sort things out. She clearly still hasn't learned the lessons. Information such as whether nursery is open or not, is so basic that any parent would check this surely? Having said that, I did raise an eye at your saying that you won't offer any childcare whatsoever. Even the most organised parent can need a helping hand occasionally - you are not obligated of course, nor should you be, but there must be a middle ground somewhere. Perhaps offer a few days on this occasion, but make it clear that she needs to check things like opening days etc in future.

What a blessing to have grandchildren.

You’re really grasping there 🤣🤣.
Text book twattery.

She shared the sentiment that the op’s position was selfish and difficult to understand. The majority of respondents felt the same.
She wasn’t being morally superior?!
Your comment was the unkind one and now you’re back peddling.
Anyhow, it’s Easter and I’m off to watch a film and eat chocolate.

She may be testing your barriers. Perhaps offer to do one or two days child care only do that she is forced to source s child minder for the rest.

I don't know how your family works but in my family we visit each other. Again where did I say gp should put no effort in you just keep making stuff up . All I have said is I don't think gp should be expected for regular childcare.

Gosh you are desperate love. And rude.
Also, you were being, or trying to be, superior. But you clearly are not.
I never back pedal. I stand by what i said.
You were trying to make her feel inferior.

💯 agree

We don't know as op sodded of but I took it as she doesn't want to be relied on to be childcare not that she will never babysit or spend time with her gc

I mentioned regular childcare because OP said she had said she wouldn’t do regular childcare and there’s quite a lot of posters who seem to think regular childcare from grandparents is expected.