Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

I'm sure she adores them but they're not her responsibility.
She's already had many years of that for her own offspring.
GPs who are more than willing to provide days of childcare can merrily crack on with it. It doesn't commit the rest of them.

How is OP unreliable? She laid out her boundaries from the start?

my mother did the same, I was grateful to have that knowledge and was able to find arrangements. My childrens daycare is not her responsibility

I’m glad you’re not my mother!

I saw my Nan for a week or 2 a few times a year as she lived miles away. I saw the other one more often but my bond wasn't with her. I loved my 'visiting Nan' and still get upset when I think of her and she died nearly 40 years ago. I hardly ever think of 'Local Nan'.

(She died nearly 30 years ago in case anyone thinks I'm neglecting my elderly grandparent)

You don’t sound very excited to me! With a mother like you, your daughter needs good childcare. I wonder, as your grandchildren grow up, if they will decide you’re not worth bothering with too. I hope you don’t need caring for in your older age, it’s unlikely your daughter will want to do it. And, who can blame her!

I wonder what the responses would have been if it was the daughter posting. She’d have in all likelihood been told it was her and her partner’s problem to sort out childcare and there’s no expectation for GP to do it.

I think the daughter sounds ridiculous. No one is saying going back to work is easy but you still have to be organised and get on with it. Fucking up a week in is pathetic.

Remind her it will just be this once. You don't want to risk her losing her job. Ask her to have another back up plan organised in case the nursery closes again.
Ultimately your decision, although I think its strange you don't want any wee' grandma 'days with your grandchild.

O.P. this title is wrong! She's not unreliable for working! It's not as if she's going out to party.

Yes absolutely. I have 2 friends who had grandfather's who did drop off and pick up and 1 day child care. The grandmother in one case was still at work and the second was a divorced man.

I love this. It's hilarious. Is it fan fiction? Or just total fantasy? Maybe both.

Say no and let her sort herself out and she won't make the same "mistake" again!

Whereas in my culture, parents automatically assume childcare if you want it. Infact, some are offended if you're struggling and you didn't let them know. Even when they're working, running their own businesses, they're willing to take time off, or pay for help out of their own pockets.
This culture of individualism is a lot to deal with and yet we complain of "becoming the minority". How will that not happen when the younger generation are not supported enough to raise children, when they often have to choose between procreating and been able to make ends meet?

It's sad.

Yes because you saw her for A WEEK or TWO on regular basis. You think the OP will want to spend two weeks with her grandchild? 😂😂😂

She's unreliable for not bothering to arrange childcare for her own DC and then expecting her DM to step in to remedy her mistakes.

I agree. I'm sure the responses would have been different if the DD had posted about her error and expectation of GM support.

If your daughter has only just returned to work then I’d cut her some slack. It you do decide to help, you can always make it clear that it won’t be a regular thing.

I’m not sure if by your post if you are unwilling to help with any type of childcare i.e., so parents can work as well as emergencies or having the odd day/sleepover.
Of course you are within your rights to say no to which type of childcare - or any that you are unwilling to do. However, if you’re unwilling to help at all, then be prepared for this to affect your relationship with your daughter and possible grandchild.

It’s not about the expectation that grandparents should give up their lives for their grandkids. Imagine knowing that there is no point as you can’t turn to your parent who could help you in times of (even one off) need.

Why is it expected that the effort should come from the people who are already incredibly time poor with working full time and raising young children?

Er... because they are the ones who chose to have children?

Just a thought. 🤷‍♀️

You are the children’s Gran - NOT a childminder. Remind your daughter of your previous statement about not taking on this burden. And it IS a burden, regardless of the negative posts which have been directed at you on here. Personally, I would leave your daughter to make other arrangements, but if you relent, make it abundantly clear to her that you’re unhappy and that this is an absolute one-off. Then prepare to be exhausted and playing catch up on the things you previously had in mind to do when your childminding stint comes to an end. Stay firm.

Shes not unreliable. She gad made arrangements,but the nursery had unexpectedly closed so she asked her mum to help out.

Your decision of course, but from there you need to accept that you'll never really be close with your grandchildren.

Growing up, my nearest grandparents were an hour away, and the others 2 hours away. They were never more than "the nice old people we saw a couple of times a year."

As for my children now, they are very close with my parents, who are local-ish and did some childcare when the children were smaller. We saw them weekly.
And they couldn't give a rats arse about my DHs parents, who are fairly disinterested, and only see them 2 or 3 times a year. DHs' mum makes a bit more effort, seeing the kids about 3 times a year. They haven't seen DHs' dad since last July, and no plans in place to change that.

Older childless women sure. If you’re a mother you’ve made a choice in life to look after your children.

also hun 200 + users have agreed with me ;)

Why doesn't that apply to OP's daughter? She's made a choice in life to look after her children and no one owes her childcare.

No one owes. But being unkind is still very obvious. She is stepping away from helping her daughter. It’s not nice and makes her a bit of a witch in my eyes. She can CHOOSE to continue to be kind to her (adult) daughter. You don’t stop being a mother once your children reach 18

PLEASE proceed cautiously!! I started babysitting for my daughter and son in law when their first child was born. It was going to be “just a few days a week and mostly just in the afternoons.” By the time their second child was born, it had become 5 days each week—-12 hours each day. It was hard sometimes, but I dearly loved those children, and they loved me. But, when the children were school age, and I was no longer needed, my daughter and her family moved out of the country, and quite a distance away. It has broken my heart. I was never paid. The money I saved them enabled them to make that costly move.

That's so not impressive hun