Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

No - the OP didn’t say regular childcare. She said any childcare.

But like you have been told repeatedly the word childcare means different things to different people. Some people mean childcare as in replacing nursery or a nanny and babysitting as I'll help out when I can here and there but don't take the piss.

My mum also said she would never do childcare. However, she raised 7 of us single handed after my father died (youngest was five), and worked full time. She’s also much older. I love her, respect her snd understand her decision, as to my children. The poster/op has not said why she won’t child mind but she may have very valid reasons.

I still work so can't always help, but if it's an emergency can usually work something out. We live some distance away and it takes some planning,but it's important to keep the family happy if you can...why say no if you can say yes?

I think it depends how you define selfish. I have friends from similar cultures to yours who have been forced to put their own plans or dreams for their later years to one side, because they are expected to take on the responsibility of providing childcare for their grandchildren. To be fair, this applies to other cultures as well. Sad to say it's usually the woman, and her own health, happiness or financial needs are viewed as dispensable. And this might be unpalatable to say but of course it can be a burden looking after loved ones - family can be a burden no matter how much you love them. My neighbour is 68, has numerous medical issues - high blood pressure, arthritis etc and has been providing near fulltime childcare for her grandchildren for the past 9 years - the youngest is 5 months old - so she has at least another 4 years to go (assuming no others arrive). Its a constant treadmill of early starts, school runs, etc . Nobody asked her, there was just an expectation from the children and her husband that when the DGC came along, she would provide childcare. The expectation is all on her - to me, that's selfish.

Plus by the time you have grandkids your own parents suddenly start needing you more its a lot and it always seems to fall on women. Then you have adult children making threats if the grandma doesn't look after their kids whenever they want

And I bet when she's not needed for childcare anymore her grown up kids suddenly disappear and are to busy for her as this is what selfish people do

It doesn’t, really.

Childcare, for some bizzare reason, has come to be a term which covers any kind of spending time with a grandchild without the parent present.

When the OP says she doesn’t want to provide any childcare, we should take her at her word.

That’s so unfair that they - she - are doing so much. If I have GC one day, I would definitely love to help, but not every single day, as I too have things I want to do with my life.

Making threats?

no backstory? Why won’t you support your daughter? why don’t you want to spend time with your grandkids? Bizarre.

In order to build a bond with a child you need to spend a lot of time with a child on regular basis. You think seeing a grandchild once in a while during 1h visit is going to form a bond? No

I bet you'll be one of those old.people that moans family never visits.

I would do anything for my children and grandchildren. By far my greatest achievement and biggest joy

No, I didn't say the ONLY reason one might help an elderly parent is if they'd offered childcare. You have inferred a detail that I did not state. What I do think is that a parent who seems happy to watch their children struggle - in any scenario, not just a childcare emergency - when they could step in to help, is cruel. And that they might expect similar treatment should they too experience an emergency. They might be lucky though - their child might be a bigger person.

As an unreliable daughter myself, as life throws you all sorts of chaos, I would be lost without the love and generosity of my VERY old parents..life is completely different than you once knew, there isn't a village, you can't ask neighbours and friends to help as they are working too. I'm stunned that you would even consider throwing this curve ball into your daughter's life when going back to work is hard enough. Come on.

You sound so judgemental and unsupportive. She needs help at a really difficult time and your response is to judge her and use it as an opportunity to teach her a lesson?! Jesus.

This is so sad. But your username gives me some insight as to how you see your role/lifestyle. Having been so grateful to my mother for helping me when my children were small, I won’t hesitate to help my children when/if the time comes. I wouldn’t want to do full time either but surely there’s a balance

Ok, the point still stands then that Op doesn't want to do childcare

My children see grandparents weekly and one set fortnightly, they all have great relationships and bonds.

I'd ask her to pay you.. I think you should be paid. Yes you should help either way.

I'm glad you have always told her your not babysitting, kept the communication open. Sorry you feel put on the spot. Hope she doesn't want dinner made after work!

My in-laws refused to have our children, and they lived only a short walk away and didn't work. I'm glad they didn't, and I'm glad they never visited our home, because they were truly awful, and it wasn't until later that my wife told me her father had sexually abused her and her sister when they were young. My mother drove across London to babysit, and maybe you need to consider what sort of relationship you want with your grandchildren, because they grow so fast.

Hrft but is she ND?
Dies she need some support navigating the return to work.
It is so hard for lots of parents and helping out now might save heartache in the future.

Or just let them struggle....as you wish...

Saying you will not do any childcare means in practice that you will have very little contact with your grandchild. Is this what you realty wan? I quite understand why you don’t want to be the regular carer but do think you should consider offering to be the emergency back up. I don’t think your daughter is being unreliable either I think she is struggling to make the necessary arrangements which can be very tricky when you first go back to work - cut her some slack.

The difficulty here is that if the child is in full time nursery then they are always in nursery. There is no opportunity for grandparents to say “we’ll take them out for a couple of hours” as there used to be. With both parents working full time often the only way for grandparents to have time with the DGC is to take some part in the childcare. It is sad but the reality of modern life.

I don’t know what’s so sad about it ?