For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

Friendships are supposed to be positive things. If they’re not, ditch and move on.

We have about 80 years on this planet if we’re lucky. I wouldn’t be forced into relationships and drama I didn’t want.

I think it’s best if the friendship ends. In fairness, your daughter is coming across as quite demanding to want a reply straight away so I think both girls have some part to play in this whole drama.
Maybe encourage DD to spend time with her other friends.

The friendship should have been cooled sooner.

If you continued this, you risked dd picking romantic relationships that are full of drama like this and her forgiving bad behaviour. There’s a fine line between being kind and a doormat and you don’t want people to take advantage of dd.

Is your ex-friend also autistic?

Have you and dd blocked them everywhere (including Roblox!) so you don’t have end up being sucked in again?

This^

Probably for the best your daughter and hers arent friends and you and her also arent friends. Sounds ..... tiring.
Help your daughter learn to tolerate uncertainty, and not to overreact when someone doesnt text back, just for her own good.

There seem to a lot of emotionally immature behaviours going on from the young teens and their mothers, probably as a result of neurodivergence.

I think you need to consider your level of emotional involvement in this so that you can yourself be a good example to your daughter.
. Having arguments about who is right or wrong in such a situation is a complete waste of energy. Nobody is right or wrong. Their level and need of communication is different, nothing to it than that. A lot is common at that age. They both need to learn emotional resilience adapted to their disability.

Where are the memes been posted? Block Jane from that platform and move on. When Jane unblocks and comes back apologising, block her on WhatsApp.

You are being unreasonable to get involved with the disagreements between 12 or 13 year old kids. The teenage years are filled with these melodramatic mini dramas. Be a listening ear but rise above it.

You are reasonable to listen to your daughter and to support her. You're over the top to message Jane.

As for the "Left on read" stuff - I can understand a 12 year old being ridiculous about that because she's young and therefore immature. For a grown-ass woman to complain "Jane's left me on read" is just plain daft.

It's good that the friendship ended if it was causing your daughter distress. But elevating it by getting the parents involved is not a good look.

The girls might be friends again by next year (DD is 20 and we've seen so many of these play out) but you've pretty much blown any chance of getting along with Jane.

I think you overreacted honestly
They both sound like they have particular needs which obviously aren’t that compatible. It’s a shame you escalated it as adults. I would have just said. Sounds like they need a break from each other and then continued to respond as normal with Jane.

Op my daughter is autistic and her BF is also autistic (and I think it's probably a common situation as obviously ND kids get on)

I'm going to say something a little different.

I think it's a real shame the two adults here are not using this as social skills buildilng experiences.

You are both wading in, taking sides - rather than helping two very young ND kids navigate the difficulties of social media

my daughter is 12 and struggles with the idea of being left on read - I have heard and seen her friends struggle with it as well. Children are growing up with a warped idea of communication.

The answer is absolutely not to let them block each other and move on - the answer is to sit them down and teach them some lessons - even if you are only doing it with your child - about how whatsapp works, how we can't demand immediate answers- how being 'left on read' is not a heinous crime!!

you are really doing your child no favours in pandering to her and taking only her side - if she is autistic she will need far mroe support than other children in navigating friendships like this.

But your daughter isn't owed a response - you need to help her understand this or this situation will repeat.

Tell your daughter to turn off read receipts, then she doesn't know - other people can not be expected to manage your daughter's response.

This is why my autistic child does not have a phone - she still uses whatsapp only on my phone to a select couple of friends.

I have seen her friends get totally worked up about messaging and I blame all the adults involved entirely - for letting them have far too much access to stressful social media apps including whatsapp.

Honestly DD wasn't being demanding in the context of their friendship. Its their normal style of interaction and texting (I monitor all her texts). They will send 2/3 texts in quick succession when they're online. The being on left on read was new so DD got upset and queried it after 2 days.

They will also usually text each other once or twice each day to see if the other can call and if they're busy it's fine.

DD also spends plenty of time with her other friends both in person and on call/Roblox. She actually sees this friend a lot less in comparison as they don't live locally and have different social groups. E.g. Yesterday she was at a club with other friends, the day before she was bowling.

Just because I haven't detailed her social life doesn't mean she's just sat waiting for her friend all day 😅 x

I think both girls were wrong and you need to teach your daughter not to expect messages straight away and to not follow someone on a different platform if that person isn’t responding to them.

Obviously I can't comment on the previous fall outs, but going onto a game chat to start an argument with someone because they're busy playing and don't want to text right now, does seem a bit intense. I think after your DD received the first message explaining that the other kid wasn't upset with her but didn't feel up to replying right away, she should probably have left it.

I haven't complained Jane has left me on read. I observed that after I pointed out the imbalance, she's left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and is posting passive aggressive quotes on social media, and then asked if what I said was unreasonable. I've re read it and there's no indication that I'm upset about it.

Honestly. I think there's problems with how the parents have been managing this.

They have been interfering rather than letting the girls work it out.

This has resulted in both girls repeatedly getting upset.

They aren't helping each other, the parents aren't helping and honestly you all need to stop it.

What I’ve learnt from my kids friends who are autistic or have ADHD is that these things go in waves, with some choppy bits and some calm bits.

I’ve tried my best to educate my kids and if things get a bit intense I always say to take a step back and to be fair it often blows over in time because it’s how the child was at the moment in time.

I fully get how it’s hard for your daughter and this friendship did sound a bit one sided.

we had a situation recently when Wicked 2 came out at the cinema and my daughter (age 10) wanted to go and wanted to ask her friend who had autism.

we saw them as they live near us and I asked them if they would like to come and Mum said she needed to check her calendar - messaged later to say she didn’t want to say earlier but that her daughter can’t cope very well in the cinema as it’s too loud and she doesn’t like the big screen I said oh ok that’s fine and just took my daughter with another friend. I valued her honesty.

In the meantime this girl said to my daughter at school that my daughter should WAIT for it to come out on dvd as her Mum was getting her the dvd so they could watch it together and basically said she wasn’t a very good friend going without her! This was a
bit unreasonable really as my daughter was desperate to go and loves the cinema.

Thankfully my daughter said to her “I can still come to your house to watch it again because I love wicked but I know you don’t like the loud noises” and we got her one of the limited edition popcorn buckets with some packets of popcorn in to take when she went round which the mum said was a lovely gesture but it’s about the middle ground, it can’t all be one sided can it?

Don’t get involved! My DD tries to get me involved in all of her over dramatic (probably ND) friendship dramas and then it all blows over and I am left pissed off

Your daughter was overbearing by continuing to text and stalking her on Roblox. But neither of them are mature enough to deal with the other’s needs so best to let this cool. The mum sounds like hard work so you’re better off without that kind of friend. You’re a bit too involved as well although I get that this might be due to your DD’s ND.

I completely agree @waterrat . I have experienced a similar situation although the children involved are much younger, which make a difference. The mum in my situation was totally unable to see her child "rejected" in any way. I use that term in inverted commas because her child was never rejected, but could not tolerate someone wanting to play differently, wanting to play separately, wanting a toy which belonged to them back, having another child become cross with them etc etc. In the end (and I know of two others who have experienced the same treatment) the mum will withdraw her child from seeing the children who have upset hers for extended periods, causing quite a lot of hurt, as in all cases, she has also engineered strong relationships with the other mums and their children have been big parts of each other's lives. She removes this with no thought at all for the impact on others. The child in question is not at fault - they are in fact delightful and neurodivergent. They need support to navigate social situations and not to believe that cutting a friend out is the right way to manage what is normal social behaviour for young children. Unfortunately, it is a long standing pattern of allowing the child in question far too much control.

In this situation, the girls obviously have different needs which makes some of their interactions difficult. They're a lot older than what I have experienced, so it might be one of those where you've all tried over the years but the friendship just doesn't benefit them. Alternatively, it might be the case that you and the other mum could be a wee bit more adult about the situation and teach both these girls how to consider the needs of others as well as their own. It's an important life skill for maintaining any friendship.

Can you not let the girls work it out? Why are mothers getting involved, making it worse and interfering? I get both kids are ND but they should not be running to mummies and getting the pair of you to get into arguments about how they should text each other. They are not 5. Tell your dd you are not getting involved anymore-your dd can carry on being friends if she wants to but if she doesn’t, it’s up to her.

Definitely best to keep this break permanent. I’m not sure you’ve acted in your daughter’s best interests by encouraging her to maintain this friendship after years of it being the other girls way or the high way. Whatever the issues involved, you’ve enabled her to tolerate being pushed around because Jane thinks it’s acceptable for her daughter to be so controlling and you’ve considered it a price worth paying for Jane’s friendship.

Friendships should make life better, not be a constant source of angst and drama. WhatsApp for immature tweens also seems a bit daft tbh.

Let them sort themselves out, guide and mentor from a distance, don't read and (mis)interpret the messages between them. Your approach should be high level, guiding your dd to explore how they feel and what they can/cannot change, what they feel their boundaries are, and so they can decide what to do.

It certainly should not be texting the mum and micromanaging their relationship.

I don't think DD is the issue which is why I asked if I was unreasonable. Not if DDs behaviour was unreasonable.

DDs reaction to being ignored is largely due to the dynamic of the friendship and friends expectations of her as a friend, compared to friends expectations of herself as a friend.
Friend once sent 32 texts in a row when DD said she was busy, because DD said we were going out and friend couldn't accept this. Jane said I was unreasonable for taking DD out when she'd promised to call friend because it triggered a meltdown where friend attacked Jane. Another time friend had a meltdown and broke furniture because DD said she didn't feel like calling.

DD has had a phone for 3 years. She has strict limits and controls on it, and it's checked daily. All calls are taken in earshot of an adult. We've moved a lot for work, so she uses her phone to communicate with people she's "left behind ". I can honestly say this is the ONLY child there are any issues with because friend expects everything to be catered to her wants and needs, and DD has an attitude of "if you want me to give it, you have to give the same back".