For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

Both girls sound as bad as each other, in their own way. Parents should not be involved to this level though, it’s unhealthy

Best all round that the friendship ends - it was not working for either of them.

Tbf, your friend (the mum) also sounds ND so unless you have the energy to be bending yourself into a pretzel all the time, I would just let it all go. And I say that as an AuDHD person and mum to two AuDHD people.

You can spend years (as you have) trying to meet each other’s needs because you think the fault is yours/related to your child’s ASD, but really it just means you are incompatible. NTs have this too and move on when friendships are not working. Just because both DDs are ASD doesn’t meant they should actually have anything else in common - as we keep being told and keep telling others - no two NDs are the same.

Just move on. This wasn’t working for any of you. Neither DD needs the drama, and nor do you.

The girls need to work things out between them, or not, without the adults getting involved, otherwise you will have a lifetime of this. I would tell Jane not to contact you to pass on messages - if/when the girls want to apologise or reach out, they can do it directly. At the moment, they have no idea how to navigate their friendship because someone else steps in to fix it for them.

They were both bring unreasonable in different ways. It was a toxic dynamic. Best to move on.

In that case, tell Jane you ate not getting involved in your dd’s friendships anymore as she needs to learn to manage her own relationships. So you re simply not going to discuss how many times she messages or how she responds to them. If Jane’s dd doesn’t like it, then maybe the friendship has run its course. And stop obsessing about messages left on read, the pair of you.

Both girls sound equally difficult in different ways tbh. Early secondary id have said parents should stay out of petty squabbles.

Shame you and the mum have lost each other over this. Seems unnecessary.

Everyone in this situation is being unreasonable. However, the two DDs are children.

The messages between you and ‘Jane’ are enbarassing and completely blown out of proportion.

This isn’t how you support your DC.

It’s the right thing for this unhealthy friendship to end, and I suggest you put your effort into helping your DD to form more positive friendships. But take a step back in future from direct involvement, or discussing with other parents.

@Tryinghardtobefair
Firstly I think it’s positive that you have asked for opinions here.
Secondly I too am ND, as are a number of my family, including adult children.

I think that it would have been wiser to accept that your DD didn’t wish to continue the friendship with the friend at that point in time without getting into the details of “who was in the right”.

You can support your daughter’s decisions because they are what is best for her, but not push the idea of being “objectively right”.
From an outsider’s viewpoint it seems as if both girls were struggling and that they both had aspects they could work on to do with compromise.

If your mum friend asked anything about what happened you could have simply said that the girls didn’t seem to be getting on at the moment, and leave it at that. By trying to push the point that your daughter was “right” and her daughter “wrong” you have soured your friendship, needlessly.

For future reference I would try to explain to your DD that people all have individual characteristics, including her. If friends do things she doesn’t appreciate, she has the right to not continue the friendship, but trying to force someone to modify their behaviour, because your dd feels it’s objectively wrong, is unreasonable.
In this case I would have considered your DD’s behaviour, ie entering a computer game to confront me about why I haven’t responded to text, as unreasonable.

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given when my kids were school age waa never get involved in their fall outs (unless something very serious) and never fall.out with the mums. That advice served me well over the years 😀

Two mums.

One sticking up for her daughter.

The other sticking up for her daughter.

Mumsnet has made me eternally grateful that my mum hardly knew any of my friend's mums in senior school, and kept right out of any spats we had.

I'm pretty sure if she'd got involved everything would've been so much worse and a lot more dramatic.

OP I think you are being unreasonable and you're just as bad a as Jane at getting defensive and thinking your DD does no wrong. I actually think based on what you said that your DD was being a bit much. Regardless of how they usually communicate, the friend asked to be left alone, and your DD kept depending an answer. I agree with PP who said you could have explained it is friend's prerogative to spend time how she wishes and DD cannot demand responses or not to be left on read.

The mum sounds half the problem.

block mum on whatever too and ignore the drama

DD will be better off focusing on other friendships where it is not all one sided

You and your DDs behaviour and expectations of this texting business and friendship are not any better than Jane and her DD.

You and your DD need to not get worked up and demanding over being left on read on a message. People can do what they like with messages they receive and they don't have to reply.

Going on to a game to confront someone over a message that hasn't been replied to isnt the best thing to do and worse still you supervised her while she did that.

This isn't a friendship that brings the best about in any of you and probably is best cooled off. You have all been unreasonable, you and your DD too. Neither of you parents is handling this well and it's not helpful to the DDs in learning about the social skills friendships and relationships required.

You are not willing to accept the replies you are getting on your post here either so feel the need to details Jane's DDs behaviour in great length in order to get people to agree with you.

I read DDs messages because she's a child. No child should be allowed to send unmonitored texts.

There is also nothing in here to indicate what approach I use for DD to manage her relationships. Just that me and Jane were good friends and often supported our children through disagreements. The thing with a social communication disorder is that sometimes people need help with aspects of socialising and communication. We've encouraged them to make up in the past because that's what they both wanted.

DD doesn't want to be friends anymore so I made Jane aware and supported DD.

So quick question, is 'on read' the same as 'un read/unread' or does it mean something different??

You all sound a bit dramatic and the mums are overly involved.

You also wont see that your daughter is also in the wrong so I'm not sure what you expected from posting this other than to bitch about your "friend" and hope others joined in

Nobody is coming out of this looking good tbh. People in secure friendships can cope with being left ‘on read’. Probably best for everyone that the friendships are over - just sounds toxic.

My BF is on the Spectrum - Asperger's - and read OPs post when I showed it to him .

Suggests "Some times it's just too hard for our brains to handle social stuff like this. Best cut it off now for the sake of yours & your daughter's mental health."

He had to cut off his own mother - also on the spectrum and bipolar - for over five years due her constant jibes, abuse and lying about him to others. He only reluctantly engaged again due to family pressure after his older nephew was born.
To this day he refuses to be alone with her because she's physically attacked him in the past when they were alone. Charming woman. If he had a choice, he'd ghost her permanently.

No, I do accept the replies that
A. Answer the question I asked (which was was I unreasonable for supporting DDs choice to end the friendship)
B. Understand the nuances of raising an autistic child

I haven't accepted responses about DDs behaviour because I didn't ask if DDs behaviour was unreasonable. Given the context and history of the friendship I don't feel it was. Hope that clarifies things.

DD needs to learn to stop texting if someone doesn’t reply.

No one is required to reply to her ever.

If she thinks this is rude (which sometimes it can be) then it is up to her to figure out whether she should invest any more energy into the relationship or back off.

It all sounds very childish which is fine because they are children but you and the other mum need to stay out of it and let them sort it out themselves.

There was no need for you to get involved at all.

It’s good you check her messages but unless there is bullying or anything then leave them to work out their differences on their own.

I'd like to add

Mentioning Jane left me on read, is not the same as being bothered or "obsessed" about the fact she left me on read.

If I'd have finished the post with my response, I would have had loads of accusations I was hiding the rest of the conversation. But now I've clarified there was no response and disclosed her reaction I'm being attacked for doing that..laughable really 🤣

On read means they have read the message but haven’t replied yet.

Being unread means that they have not seen/read the message at all yet.

You can’t control what people comment on op. Your dd’s behaviour is a vital part of the whole situation. I understand you are ND, and this may be why you are focusing on this detail, rather than the bigger picture, but the bigger picture matters. Your dd’s behaviour was a bit unhinged - no one has behaved well - just draw a line under it and move on, you are not going to get whatever it is you want from Jane.

OP you've shown you're unable to take feedback because you are not listening to what anyone is saying. The fact that many of us think your DD was potentially in the wrong is relevant because you're acting as if she isn't and that's a bit part of the problem. If your just explained to her she's being too demanding then maybe the argument wouldn't have escalated and she'd have stopped bothering the other girl or you and Jane wouldn't both arguing about it as well.

You can’t harass someone because they have not replied to a text message and then ‘confront’ them for not replying

If my dd came to me to say a friend had not replied to her I would have been bemused to be honest. I’d have told her that the friend was probably busy and I would have told her that she needs to find something to do that isn’t stalk someone down online.

I’m not surprised about the other mother blocking you. That’s what I would have done if some loon started having a go at me.

You and your daughter are spending too much time online.