For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

She talks sense and you are again ignoring the advice and opinions you asked for when they don’t agree with you .

Respectfully, your I don’t think you understand the distinction between ‘comprehending my comments’ and ‘thinking I’m right’.

So its as i said, it was never, no issues with other friends, and variants of never, until yes you slipped in there have been a few and they were 50/50. Thats all I was pointing out, that your version has changed, that initially it was your DD has never had issues, then actually she has .

There has been a lot said about the friend/mum not understanding your DDs autism, but it seems theres also a lack on your/your DDs part in this friends autism. E.g. is it possible the friend initially agreed re the game to keep the peace? It is a bit unusual for teens in secondary school to gatekeep how a game is played and get upset if someone decides they dont want to swap afterall (but I do appreciate that could be down to the ND aspects, so tricky all round, as its not particularly easy going to not swap either!)

I find it absolutely unbelievable that parents get so involved in all this teenage drama nonsense. Let them get on with it. Give advice when asked. Don't argue with another mother about whose fault it is/was.

Honestly it doesn’t even matter. I think going over and over it isn’t healthy for any of you. So many missed teaching moments, so many moments you could have walked away without hurt feelings, so many examples of why these friendships didn’t work for anyone, but it took this ridiculous falling out for the girls to finally be done. Great! They are handling it in the best way possible. Probably this would have happened long ago if you and Jane hadn’t kept wading in.

It would have been better to have said, The girls fought about a game. It's typical MN to get responses wrapped up in details that just don't matter. 🙄
I'd ignore those replies.

I haven't accepted responses about DDs behaviour because I didn't ask if DDs behaviour was unreasonable. Given the context and history of the friendship I don't feel it was. Hope that clarifies things.

With respect OP it doesn't work like this. Your DD's behaviour is part of this dynamic, whether you like it or not. You can't throw out a complex behavioural dilemma to people to comment on and ask them not to comment on this part of it.

Your DD was being pushy and borderline controlling with demanding responses to the messages and confronting this child on Roblox. It's irrelevant whether the other girl does this or not, it's behaviour which she needs to curtail and its your job to help her understand why it will alienate people and push them away. The other girl didn't behave well either but that's outside of your control: you do have authority over your daughter and you need to teach her that hassling people online (regardless of whether they've done it to others) won't end well.

I think both girls are struggling with the relationship and neither behaved well. The neurodivergence is almost an irrelevance: it sounds as if the relationship isn't mutually supportive any more and has probably run its course.

Above all I think you and your friend Jane both need to take a huge step back. You're both far too involved in this. Multigenerational friendships like this are fraught with pitfalls, I know from personal experience. You can't control what happens between your daughters, beyond the most serious situations, and you shouldn't try to. If you want to salvage your friendship with Jane you need to take a big step back now.

Good post, @Thepeopleversuswork.

I wouldn’t have sent the texts you did (if wanted to stay friends) I would have left it. You brought up unrelated insults about her daughter (even though true, truth hurts) and it comes across as very tit for tat. Also sending more that one follow up message especially when someone is overwhelmed does come across a bit controlling, like something an abusive boyfriend might do (although I know this wasn’t your dd intention this was her trying hard to work around a compromise). I don’t think the girls should be best friends but chat to them about being civil and polite at school and with mutual friends. Give head of year a heads up so she can signpost them to support at school if needed.

I think in this instance your daughter was in the wrong and you should have spoken to her about it.

My DS is likely autistic and he finds the social aspect of texting and calling overwhelming. His friends often have a go at him if he’s on a game and doesn’t want to talk to them. I’ve told him that he doesn’t need to talk to anyone and he doesn’t need to defend why he is playing a game and not wanting to message or call.

Your friends daughter said she is overwhelmed and that should be the end of it. If she wants to play Roblox that is no one else’s business. She shouldn’t need to answer to anyone.

You really shouldn’t be texting the mum about your daughters falling out.
I would have told my daughter that her friend was entitled to reply when she is ready - if somebody wrote a letter, the recipient would read it and then reply at leisure, not straight away, and you wouldn’t even know when they got it. Text messages should be given the same merit.
You two need to let your daughters sort it out, sure you can advise them but don’t text each other, you’re making into way more of a drama then it needs to be.

And I say this as a ND adult with ND now grown up children.

I've been reading and planning how I was going to word my own post, but this poster sums it up more succinctly than I could have done.

All four of you are being unreasonable. It's understandable given the amount of neuro diversity going on. But it's time to draw a line. The relationships weren't doing any of you any good.

Move on, and don't get involved in any more of your DD's friendship spats.

Absolutely this. But totally understand OP being upset as you just want to protect them. Best thing not to get involved though and use it as a learning experience as @waterrat says. As a parent of a neurodivergent 12 year old, I totally understand how difficult it is not to jump to their defence, as both Mums did here, because you know how difficult things are for your child. Hopefully though you can help your daughter to learn from this going forward.

I think the issue here is actually that both the mums are also on the spectrum with black and white/rigid thinking.

Not sure any advice here is going to be taken on board.

Like mother's like daughters ,jesus leave them to it and as mother's grow up the pair of you

I can see this completely from your perspective I’m autistic and I understand what you mean. Your dd’s friendship shouldn’t be this hard and dramatic, she shouldn’t have to do everything someone else’s way otherwise they will get upset, and fall out with her only to realise that they were wrong and want to be friends again a few days later. She doesn’t need to accept a yo-yo friendship that she is getting nothing from.

Hats off to your daughter!!!

She was assertive and not in the least unreasonable.

Drawing a line under this 'friendship' is the best outcome possible.

You can find new friends, OP. The other mother will lose lots of friends over the next few years if she continues to excuse or enable her daughter's dysfunctional approach to relationships.

4 pages on and OP is still repeating the same things (DD doesn't have problems with anyone else and is v critical of DD friend) and refusing to take on board those saying she or DD were in the wrong. Even if your DD hasn't argued with anyone else, it doesn't mean she was right here OP and certainly doesn't mean she's always right.

Wow you are so over involved in your dd's friendships. Is this actually for real that kids' parents now have their kids' arguments for them?

Sounds like OP needs to get her own life and friends instead of stirring the pot and creating drama out of her 12 year olds friendship spats. Mumsnet is not an echo chamber, this is aibu, you asked for opinions and advice, you don’t get to choose which ones you receive. I can see that the rigidity in behavioural expectations your daughter exhibits you too also possess.

Parent of 2 Audhd kids here and I myself am Audhd and I hate to say.it but both you and your daughter seem to be being a tad unreasonable.

Friend has every right to reply, or not, to a message whenever it suits her. It is not up to your DD to insist that a response to her is more important than playing her game, or whatever it was that she was doing! She also isnt responsible for managing your DDs feelings of frustration at being "left on read" - that's something DD needs to learn to handle herself and you needed to focus on that, NOT berating the other child and parent.

Maybe the friend WAS being "bratty" and deliberately not replying to your DD, maybe she WAS overwhelmed or maybe she just didn't want to reply at that point. All her perogative to do so.

I think both you and the other girls mother need to stop rescuing your daughters and trying to control the situation/behaviour of others during conflict to suit your own child's autistic communication preferences. Each of you is automatically biased and understand your own child well, so seem to feel aggrieved when others don't see it from your child's perspective.

Friend sounds like she may have a PDA profile, but thats irrelevant really. If the girls are both continually bickering and misunderstanding each others communication style (very common over text!!) It probably is less stressful for them to just let it fizzle out, and her mum likely feels the same!

This!

Jeez it's eazy to see why these 2 girls are always falling out!
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree! You and Jane are both over dramatic and overinvolved in petty teenage squabbles!

God all 4 of you sound a nightmare. Let your daughter navigate her own friendships and stop getting over involved, except for one thing, teach your daughter not to boss people around about when they look at or reply to messages etc.

She was controlling and bossy and she wont make new friends with behavioural traits like that.