For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

I don't think you were wrong. Jane wants to bend the whole world so that her child never gets upset or hears the word 'no'. Your child has finally had enough of never having her own feelings taken into account. It's impossible for you and Jane to be friends because there's a conflict of interest - the 'friendship' only works when your child is giving in!
It's not unreasonable to not want to be left on read for 2 days and I agree that if a child can go on Roblox, they can text 'busy'. Esp if said child has a history of spamming yours when she wants to talk!

You are both better off without Jane and her dd - the needs of both girls are just not compatible.

I do agree with pp that you could get your dd to turn off read receipts, which will be better for her own state of mind and that you can use this to teach her about the perils of sm. But cutting your losses re these relationships is a good move imo.

OP I think it's probably best they take a few steps back from each other. From what you've said there is a deep imbalance in the friendship in terms of whose needs are accommodated. It's not good for your daughter to have to continually acquiesce to a friend's needs if her own needs are never considered. This doesn't help set good boundaries for adult relationships, platonic or otherwise. Both mums are understandably too emotionally involved on this situation.

Wish them well and instead encourage your daughter to focus on the other friendships which don't add stress and anxiety to her plate.

I don't support the advice on here to just leave the kids to it. That's how kids can end up in bad situations - sometimes they someone to advocate for them when bro g poorly treated on a friendship. You wouldn't want your dd to think she had to put up with this because Jane was your friend. Or that her own needs in a friendship are less important than the friend's needs.

You are just so over involved here. And the friend’s mother’s response is also bonkers and over involved.

Your job, as her mother, is to teach her what a good friendship looks like and point out stuff that are red flags here about it not being a good friendship.

What you shouldn’t be doing is jumping in and texting other mothers about it.

It’s completely fine to read a message and not answer it straight away. It is not reasonable for your daughter to stalk her in another game. You need to teach your daughter when to step back, when to wait and see.

Focus on your DD , firstly on teaching her phone etiquette and then on coaching her about healthly friendships.

Easy enough- yes you were right to support your DD, but to the second part you were unreasonable to take such a deliberate swipe at her daughter when you texted. This would be one of these circumstances that if you had nothing nice to say you should have said nothing at all. In regards to her now posting passive aggressive memes you feel
are aimed at you- what does it matter?
you have already decided this woman is no friend of yours so she likely feels the same. Unfriend her if it upsets you and allow her to be upset too.

@Tryinghardtobefair not trying to be unkind, but reading (just your) comments, I feel you are reading, but not hearing/listening.

As parents, we ALL want to jump in when our DC are hurting.
But I learned (too late) it's the wrong thing to do.
ND or not, you DON’T get involved in the spats your kids have.
Because they get over them, but you do not.
So you are wrong.
Trust me.

you don't see it now, and i get that.
but you are.
Don't get involved, don't take sides.
don't lose friendships over it.

they'll work it out.

@waterrat's comment was awesome, btw.

I wouldn’t get so involved in my daughter’s friendships. But maybe it’s different with autistic children?

Yabu for allowing Roblox
Yabu for even entertaining the idea of 'left on read'
I lament the state of the world sometimes

My daughter is now 18. In her early teens there was so much friendship drama about things like this. My daughter isn’t ND neither were her friends. in my experience it’s just young girls being dramatic. I mean that nicely teens are not emotionally mature at this age. I’d often hear “OMG Jenny left me on read but she’s online with whoever”. “Lucy sat with someone else at lunch” etc. The drama was constant! It’s best to try not to get involved so much. Be there for your daughter to chat and to listen. Just try not to get personally involved. You have years of this in my experience with girls so for your own sanity step back a bit.
my daughter now has a lovely friendship group and no lasting effects from this time!

It sounds like the two girls are quite similar and I think the parental involvement makes it worse. It would be much better if both you and the other mother listened to your daughters but didn't escalate the situation with your own messaging.

It doesn’t sound like having phones is helping if one DD is too needy and the other DD is easily overwhelmed.

They could probably have a friendship if they just met up now and again, but all this toxic texting between the DDs and the mums is insane.

You can turn read receipts off on WhatsApp so you don't know if the other person has read it. I strongly suggest that anyone, child or adult, turns these off the moment they find themselves getting bothered about being 'left on read'.

I have an autistic DD who is also PDA.
She is very much a.mixture of both your DD and her friend. She hates being left on read and will sometimes repeatedly text if she doesnt get a response (especially with me) With friends she tries not to be overbearing but sometimes cant help it, the anxiety and overthinking that goes with being ignored literally sends her into fight/flight!
But equally if someone repeatedly texts her she will get overwhelmed and leave them on read while she figures out what to reply. But the act of leaving them on read also triggers her anxiety as she worries that her friend will be upset but also doesnt know how to respond when shes feeling distressed!

I think both parents ABU here, these girls are both autistic and struggling to navigate a friendship. They need support and understanding from both sides.
Perhaps you need to explain to your DD that if friend doesnt respond then it just means shes busy but she will respond when she can and not to tak .it personally.
Jame needs to explain to her daughter that being left of read can be very upsetting and perhaps a quick response to say 'sorry im.busy, will talk later' would be a nicer way of dealing with it than just to ignore her friend.

This is craziness. I don't understand the need for immediate replies. You said your daughter is flexible but it sounds like she actually isn't? In any event their expectations are mis-matched so I guess they aren't compatible.