For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

Thank you for seeing what I see.

There's been a constant focus on accommodating friends wants and needs, while ignoring DDs. It's not just the ignoring the texts; it's everything. It's always friends choice of games, friends choice of activities, friends choice of meals, friends choice of films. Friends choice in replying to messages.

DD is quite easy going, and she has a relatively wide range of interests so is happy to compromise. Friend will not. It's what she wants or nothing. She will occasionally agree to compromise and then huff, puff and leave after 10 minutes. There's was an incident a while ago where DD bought a game with her pocket money and asked friend to play. Friend refused to swap vehicles or characters with DD, accusing DD of bullying her and guilt tripping her when DD expressed it was unfair to threaten to go offline just because DD wanted to swap vehicles in her own game.

Jane enables it all and expects everyone else to remove every small discomfort for friend. I know for a fact that friend doesn't even dress herself for school because according to Jane the steps of getting dressed cause cognitive overload and trigger a violent meltdown. Friend has no issue dressing herself when it's something she wants to do.

DD has decided she doesn't want to do this for the rest of her life and I support that.

My dd has asd.

Imo your dc was comlletely unreasonable - where has she got the idea you cannot read a message without replying? That is crazy. Sometimes people forget, are abroad, dont know what to say. And then to have a go at the other girl on roblox. Tbh it sounds like you are contributing to this as you cant see what you or your dc has done wrong?!
It seems like maybe youes is 'mildly' autistic and the other girl more rigid /severe. Judging from all the previous issues.

My dd moved to secondary with one girl who has been mislabeled autistic. The girl is generally just quite controlling and likes to exclude others. She fell out with another kid on 2 trips. And told lies about dd to the rest of the group before another kids birthday party so thst was very uncomfortable. My dd is pretty severe and cannot talk to others. Suddenly last july the girl was again picking on dd and the friendship broke down. I think it had been really affecting dd all the up and down behaviour. So she is actually happier! But the other girl and friend have been bullying dd in class.
But, i think the other giros parents think she is autistic because of friendship issues but they are not asd issues, more seems a bit spoilt and controlling.

The most i would have done is message friend that your dd doesnt like being left on read (but that is her own issue).

I think asd means self and that makes a lot of sense for the more severe in that it is a bit like selfishness they have to do what they want to do. Struggle to compromise whixh seems the gpcase with both girls.

This.

You both have ND children who have different needs, views and characteristics.

You should be using these situations to talk about how different people react differently and deal with things in different ways.

All this blocking and taking sides is silly.

I agree with this.

I’m AuDHD and so is my DD. She’s 16 so a little bit older but she’s very young for her age. We have found that friendships with other ND teens can be great as they understand the difficulties, but it can also result in big clashes. We haven’t had big blow-up rows like this, but we have had situations where misunderstandings/frustrations arise because of differing needs.

OP, you’re not doing your DD any favours here by insisting that she’s “blameless”.

Following someone onto a game to question the lack of reply and then continuing to argue when the other person asked for space isn’t ok. Your DD needs to understand that behaviour like that is a problem. She’s certainly not “blameless” here.

It would also be useful for her to develop some coping strategies about being left on read. The ex-friend reassured her there wasn’t a problem. Being autistic herself, she should understand that sometimes it’s difficult to engage with other people, even friends, in a meaningful way. Gaming takes less emotional investment, just like doom scrolling, and it’s easier to manage if you’re feeling overstimulated.

Your DD ultimately has the choice of deciding whether a friend with this style of communication meets her needs. And it’s fine to decide that it doesn’t. It’s fine to end/withdraw from a friendship that isn’t fulfilling and doesn’t make you happy.

It sounds as if there were big clashes here with demands being made on both sides. The fact you’re insisting that your DD is blameless here when she clearly wasn’t does make me wonder how accurate you’re being with the rest of the descriptions about the other child.

Even if the other child has made unreasonable demands in the past it doesn’t excuse your DD’s behaviour here. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Both mothers have pointed the finger at the other child rather than helping their own daughter navigate the complexities of friendships. They may well have decided to cool the friendship anyway and it’s very possible that they’re not really well-matched as friends. But this has escalated into a war of who’s right while refusing to accept any responsibility for the breakdown in communication or the unnecessary escalation.

OP, your DD may not have any other difficult friendships right now and that’s great. But she will come across situations in her life when she can’t just make demands because she thinks something isn’t fair. If she’s autistic she will need help developing skills to navigate those and denying that she’s in any way at fault here won’t do her any favours in the long term.

Normally in games you don’t dictate to other players their choices.Can you not see that that is the concerning behaviour. I don’t know anyone who would want to be ordered what to do in a game.

The other child decided to end the friendship, not your daughter. 😳She’s happy with that but you clearly aren’t.

Op said that "2 days" went by with no response? I would be surprised if my friends ignored my messages for 2 days. I wouldn't jump in a game they were on to castigate them but I kind of get where OPs daughter was coming from. Some friendships are unbalanced. Some of the CF threads on here are testament to that!

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.
I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

This is the only part that matters at the end of the day: Jane thinks the world should accommodate her autistic child, including other autistic children. Basically, to hell with any autistic child who isn't her own.

YANBU

It's not a good friendship for your daughter. Encourage her not to return to it.

The problem is, the freind will often ignore her, should OP's DD just wait patiently each time?
Ending the relationship is best, as they don't seem compatible with each other

Situation shows how ND is complicated and different from person to person.
Other mum is too involved in her daughter's affairs, but that's her business.
OP should let it be and explain to her own dd that since other girl is struggling to cope she should just back off and focus on other friends and activities and that sometimes people fall out and friendships end even when reasons don't make sense.

Thank you for these comments. I reflected on both of your comments, and had a good think about things.

With the exception of this friendship, DD manages her other friendships almost completely independently. The only role parents play in her other friendships is to support with activities because most of DDs friends are similarly neurodivergent and all need adult support with transport and accessing public activities because all are quite socially vulnerable. I realised I'm friends with some of DDs other friends parents, but the most involved we get with our children's friendships is double checking dietary requirements or timings for a meet up.

I've blocked and deleted Jane because after looking at other interactions I've realised it isn't normal or healthy to tie myself up, and I've been so bogged down with her for so long that it must felt normal because it's always been like this. I probably know more about her own child's needs than DDs because it's all she's ever talked about and every conversation is rerouted to Friends needs and justifying her behaviour

Thank you for waking me up. I feel so much lighter now she's blocked.

She is texting her too much, that is why she’s being ignored!!!

I missed that it wasn't actually your DD that ended the friendship afterall.

To an outsider (and possibly to Jane if she has seen the messages so knows it wasnt your DDs decision afterall) it could look a bit like you wanted to get in there first and tell Jane your DD 'ended' it. You also insisted your DD has never had issues, then it gets slipped in a post that yes, there have been, but they were 50/50.

So as pp's have said it seems both parents are absolutely convinced their DC have done nothing wrong, when everyone is equally to blame, so its no wonder the girls are struggling with navigating friendships.

Eta - and have i read that right? Your DD got the hump because this friend didnt want to swap characters?

DD text her once or twice a day, which was the norm for them to check if the other was able to call as stated multiple times.

Previously they would just say they were busy chat later or agree to call. Friend recently decided she didn't want to let DD know anymore so kept leaving her on read, and claimed she was overwhelmed when DD said it upset her.

Friend wouldn't EVER allow DD to leave her on read and has text repeatedly because DD has been told we're going out. I've also had numerous arsey texts from Jane because friend had a violent meltdown that DD "changed her mind" about calling, in these texts Jane has told me it's unfair of me to allow DD to break plans she's made.

OP has said she waited 2 days. The 'friend' demands instant reply and is very unpleasant when ignored. The unequal expectation is unhealthy for both girls. OP's daughter is learning her boundaries. She might have been at bit over the top by jumping in the game to criticise but she can learn and move on.

I think this is the heart of it. Jane is so deep in the trenches with her own childs autism she can't see (or doesn't care) that another autistic child has their own challenges to deal with.
It's probably for the best that this friendship has run it's course for the girls. Onward and upward.

Posting the memes does make me laugh though. Making digs at you and your child while at the same time posting her #bekind memes 😁

Well the friend has realised how unhealthy it is and has ended it so you have nothing to support. Move on, she has.You’re waaaay too invested.

Actually, if you read the posts without trying to catch me out:

1. You will read that I've specified more than once that Friend declares she doesn't want to be friends whenever DD pushes back about everything always being friends choice and that they always make up.

1. you will read that I said DD has never had issues with other children regarding the phone and that she rarely falls out with people. Which in itself makes it clear there are occasional disagreements with friends. As is typical for a fallout. In a later comment I said something along the lines of when there have been issues with friends they've been 50/50. I never said she's never had a disagreement with her other friends

1. You will read that Jane usually messages in defense of her child and then pushes for resolution when her child has calmed down and wants to make up.

1. you will read that I messaged first this time because Friend is prone to violent meltdowns when things don't go her way. My daughter has blocked friend from everything and I wanted to give Jane the chance to intervene and explain this before friend calms down, and tries to unsuccessfully contact DD.

1. Yes, you have read that right; my autistic child did get the hump that she saved up her pocket money for weeks, paid for a game she was really into, shared it with her friend only for her friend to refuse to swap characters and vehicles as previously agreed, instead accusing DD of guilt tripping and being a bully when she said it's unfair. I'm not sure what you're trying to insinuate ? That my child shouldn't be upset her friend wouldn't take turns on a game DD saved and paid for? That she's spoilt for expecting her friend to play fairly with a game she was kindly invited to share?

Forgive me for replying to comments on the post I wrote. I forgot that replying to someone on AIBU means I'm too invested... Although if I ignored my thread I'd also be slagged off. Can't win eh!

You are not listening, nobody is saying a child can't be upset by childish things but you need to be the adult in the room instead of joining in, for all the examples.

You might say friend does this, friend does that, but unfortunately in your example Friend was feeling harassed by DD and your solution was to get her mum involved in the hope of harassing her further to answer a bloody text

Next time your DD is upset at being "left on read," you explain people are busy, you distract her, maybe remove the phone and return it to her later if it's causing stress. Teach her to cope with these childish feelings and grow, for her own sake. This is a non event that you've turned into a source of upset for four people.

Im not trying to catch you out, you've repeatedly said your DD has no issues with any other friends, not just in the context of the phone. Never, in one post...

Separately your DD might benefit from learning some gaming etiquette for the future. Its not really the 'done' thing or very easy going to dictate how a game is played just because you own it. Tbf I learned that the hard way on Sonic when I stamped my feet a bit when I wanted to be Tails and my friend refused and I pulled the "but its MY game" and my older gaming bro overheard and guided me 😳

It’s not the replying it’s the thread in the first place. You’re asking for advice and opinions and are ignoring them.

As stated earlier I'm ignoring comments answering a question I didn't ask. The people who have answered my question or offered helpful advice have been responded to :)

I thought what I meant was clear, especially with my clarifications in comments about rarely arguing with friends but apologies if I wasn't clear enough about this.

In terms of gaming etiquette DD and friend agreed to swap at the end of each level and friend went back on that, refused to swap and was nasty to DD about it. That's why DD was upset. The expectation to deal was set and DD felt it was unfair to go back on the agreement because it was her game not her friends. So in her eyes it's not friends place to change the rules about a game that isn't hers in the first place. Again, apologies if I wasn't clear enough in my last comment.

So you’re picking the advice and opinions you agree with.

Well yeah, I'm not going to take your advice If you haven't read/comprehended my comments.

If you're going to give someone advice at least I would advice not making assumptions about the what's and why's when all the reasoning has been clearly stated throughout the thread.

Happy to help