For supporting my autistic child's decision and blowing up my own friendship?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

Asking for opinions because I'm Neurodivergent and unsure if IABU

My daughter ended a friendship. I was best friends with the other child's mum. I'll call her Jane. We are no longer friends.

Both girls are the same age (early secondary). Both are autistic. DDs friend is incredibly rigid and everything the girls do is always catered to her wants and needs because she "can't cope or engage" if she doesn't 100% want to do something or if she doesn't get her own way. DD is quite flexible with friends and is big on fairness and compromise.

DDs friends reaction to anyone saying this is unfair is: "I don't want to be your friend" because she can't cope if she doesn't get her own way.

Jane usually messages me when the girls fall out, gets defensive, and says ending the friendship is for the best because this is how friend is and DD shouldn't want her to change as a condition of friendship. A few days later Jane calms down, messages and accepts friends behaviour is actually the issue and says "they've spoken and she would like to apologise to DD". This has happened for years. Jane is also adamant that this level of drama is normal because all friends relationships are like this. In comparison I can't remember the last argument DD had with a different friend.

Everything came to a head the other day because Friend had been reading DDs messages and leaving her "on read". After a few days DD became upset by this and asked her not to and asked if she's done something to upset friend. Friend said DD hasn't done anything wrong and she ignored her when she was busy because texting overwhelmed her. DD asked friend to not open the message if she couldn't reply or just send "busy" so she knew. Friend left her on read.

DD saw her on Roblox and went into the game to confront her. She pointed out that if she could come off her game to read the text she could write the word "busy". DDs friend text DD to go away and stop texting because it's overwhelming her. DD responded, they went back and forth. Friend then eventually told DD she doesn't want to be friends because she won't go away so DD said fine because friend is selfish and doesn't care about DDs feelings. DD blocked friend on everything and deleted her number.

I messaged Jane to give her a heads up. She responded:

"Yeah I'm aware, [Friend] did tell her she's busy but unfortunately she carried on texting asking what shes doing , followed by a ? Then an emoji when she didnt get an immediate response.
[Friend] can not cope either with her constant texts and it overwhelms her hence why she don't reply, she did text her last night and again this morning to reasure her shes done nothing wrong.

But thats fine, its probably for the best in all fairness."

Having supervised DD while she was texting I responded :

"Actually I saw the texts. She didn't text constantly. She said [Friend] can't be that busy if she's on Roblox and her texts sent early so she was finishing sentences. Please don't twist the truth.

Tbh I agree it's probably for the best. I completely support [DD's] decision because the constant expectation of [DD] to meet [friends] needs and respect her boundaries ("stop texting "), while refusing to meet [DDs] needs (not to be left on read because it upsets her), is quite unfair and sets an unbalanced dynamic.

I'm sure the girls will be fine on their own paths."

Jane left me on read, blocked me on WhatsApp and keeps posting memes about how she doesn't trust people who don't understand her autistic child.

I'm sorry this is so long and seems like a completely minor thing, but now DD and I are out of the constant drama I need the sanity check that I wasn't unreasonable to say what I said.

You clearly haven't read the entire thread. I don't pander to my DD at all. I have incredibly high expectations of her behaviour, she has limits and supervision on all devices, and she has a strict routine. This friend is the only child we have ever had any phone related issues with and I've given all context within the thread about why this happened.

DD has actually made so much progress academically and socially that she recently progressed out of specialist provision into mainstream school.

Just because you've seen one incident and failed to comprehend the context doesn't mean I'm failing to prepare her for the adult world.

It can be quite annoying to get texts from folk who expect an answer right away. . In this case I would assume the friendship has run its course and not encourage your DD to revive it. The other girl does sound like she expects her own way all the time. No good.

Imo, I think getting in to it with your ex friend shows a level of immaturity on your part

I don’t think either of you did anything wrong. Friend or DD or either you or friend’s mum.

The girls were thrown together because you and the other mum were best friends. They aren’t really compatible as friends. Their individual ND profiles clash. Friend has a low social battery meaning she can’t communicate promptly while your DD has RSD.

Instead of trying to determine who was the baddie, I’d just accept your daughters aren’t compatible as friends and you were both being supportive mothers.

I've explained this down thread but I gave an outline of what happened to Jane because this has been the norm while we help our girls navigate how to problem solve what went wrong in whatever incident.

Jane usually messages me to relay the incident and go on the defensive about Friends behaviour. She then calms down and the girls want to make up and we help them problem solve because Jane really pushes for them to make up as friend always wants to be friends again. However this time DD has decided she is completely done and can't cope anymore.

So I messaged Jane first to essentially give her a heads up about what happened and why because friend is prone to violent meltdowns when things don't go her way, and will likely flip when she finds out DD has blocked and removed her from everything.

DD hasn't tried to force anyone to modify their behaviour, so I'm unsure where you're getting this from. However I do think it's completely reasonable of DD to express it's unfair for friend to only do what she wants and never take turns.

Actually it's the other way round. We became friends via our daughter. They became friends via a club when they were in early primary.

Friend doesn't have low social battery, everything just has to be on her terms. Daughter also doesn't have RSD. She was just upset because friend expects her to reply instantly and holds DD to a far higher standard than she holds herself and would never allow DD to leave her on read or not reply..

No Op, you weren't unreasonable to let your DD break off the friendship, it should be up to the child and this particular friendship isn't enjoyable anymore. I don't think it would be possible for you to stay friends with Jane if the girls have fallen out, her main focus is naturally on her DD but she does seem to forget your DD is ND too and expects too much from your child in terms of keeping her child regulated.

If friends do things she doesn’t appreciate, she has the right to not continue the friendship, but trying to force someone to modify their behaviour, because your dd feels it’s objectively wrong, is unreasonable.

Thats something I’m finding hard.
i fully agree with the idea that you can’t change people or ask them to change for you.
But at the same time, esp when ND or disability is involved, most people expect accommodation. Asking to say ‘busy’ rather being left on read can be such an accommodation.

There is a need here for COMPROMISE.
As some posters said, it’s not about being right or wrong.
It’s the fact one person is asked to compromise whilst, at the same time, she is being told she is wrong to ask for accommodation (changing behaviour) for herself.
Jane is going down the wrong road imo. She is expecting everyone to fit around her dd. This simply cannot work in RL.
Your dd asked for an accommodation that was blatantly refused. She’ll have to learn to accept some people won’t , regardless of the reason (eg inability due to ND or can’t be bothered etc….). Then keeping friendship becomes more about whether the lack of accommodation is something-she can cope with or not.

Fwiw keeping people on read for days wo answering is seen by many adults as extremely rude. And I’ve seen many posts on here saying the same thing than your dd. ‘If you have time to game, watch Tv etc… then you have 30 seconds to answer a text’.
Your dd will have to kearn that not everyone feels like that though. Usually easy to spot.

You have a friendship with a adult woman
Your teen DD has a friendship with a teen girl

The fact that the teen girl and the adult woman are related is irrelevant to each of your friendships. Stop talking about your daughters' friendship with your adult friend. There are a lot of other things to talk about instead.

Support your DD to sort out her own problems and either to repair or end her friendship as appropriate. Whatever happens between the two teens should have no impact on your friendship with the mother

Fair enough, I thought it was the other way around how they met.
Doesn’t change the fact that they are incompatible.
What you have written does show that friend has a low social battery.
What you have written does show your DD has RSD. Only a person with RSD would think they are being rejected if their messages are left on read for hours to days or demand reassurance of just say “busy” if you can’t reply. Which is a reply in and of itself and an autistic person with a low social battery isn’t going to be able do it or agree to send what is essentially a lie.
Your DD is also very rigid by thinking that standards must be identical when they are two different people with two different sets of abilities and emotions.

Neither of them is unreasonable. Your DD needs the reassurance. The friend can’t give it. Incompatible.

Seems you and the other mum are too.

Now stop doing the over analysing and agonising over what could DD have done different, why did this friendship fail, did I do the right thing?

Yes you and DD did everything right, so did the friend and her mum. It just didn’t work out.

I think you both need to be staying out your respective DD's friendships and the drama that comes with them.

I would have probably said to Jane "I agree it's for the best, the girls have very different needs when it comes to friendships and unfortunately aren't able to meet each others needs, they'll figure it out though and I hope nothing but the best for both girls" and then left it at that. The message you sent was actually really unnecessary and rude and I'd not want to speak to a friend if they'd spoken to me like that.

I think both you and Jane are being unreasonable.

As explained throughout the thread my daughter is fine with everyone else except this child. We have a lot of boundaries with phone usage and I've done a lot of work on social skills over the years.

DD is regularly not replied to by friends and vice versa. They're all busy so it's accepted replies are hit and miss.

Friend has incredibly high expectations of my daughter, and flips if she doesn't get a reply or if DD can't call. In comparison this is the ONLY time DD has lost it because she's sick of the double standard.

After years of DD is absolutely done, and I think this triggered the reaction.

I gave Jane a heads up because friend is prone to violent meltdowns, and will flip when she realises DD has blocked her and ended the friendship permanently when it's not what friend wants. Jane went on the defensive (as usual) and assigned blame.

I understand your sentiment but I don't think it's healthy to ignore my child's wishes and force her to unblock friend and resolve this. Being able to know when enough is enough , and know her worth is just as valuable a social skill as being able to resolve problems (which she does do with other friends)

It's done now and probably for the best. It sounds unnecessarily stressful all round.

Excuse my stupidity but could someone explain to me what 'on read' means - does it mean unread or read and not replied to?

Actually, while I stand by what I wrote, I don't think this quite deals with the full extent of your situation.

I think your DD is better off without her friend and you are better off without yours too.

They both sound high drama, and controlling. The mum isn't helping her DD to learn to exist in the world by acting in the way she has historically done. It's not good for your DD to bend herself around another person to such an extent, so often. What does that teach her about her place in her relationships?

It's not healthy or normal for your own friendship to be on the knife edge of you conforming to the other mum's unreasonable expectations for how the world should accommodate her DD.

That's fair enough. I can see why you would come to the conclusion we're unreasonable

If I'm honest if I seem rude in tone it's because in my initial text I was very understanding of friends needs, and just explained I recognise her daughters needs but DD can't cope so has blocked her. I expressed I would like to stay friends. My expectation was that Jane would also acknowledge my child's needs, and agree the girls aren't compatible and agree to stay friends ourselves. Instead Jane lied about what happened in the texts to assign blame to my child, which is why I was so blunt.

However I don't think it was rude of me to point out that there's an unbalanced dynamic and that I support DDs choices.

But you're missing what I've said in every other reply including yours. DD requested it because it upsets her when that specific friend leaves her on read. Because that specific friend wouldn't ever allow DD to leave her on read, and has had violent meltdowns when DD has been unable to call because we've gone out or she isn't up to it.
She's left on read by other friends and vice versa and is fine with it because there's an equal dynamic and they don't expect her to jump at their every demand or have violent meltdowns when DD doesn't.

Friend also doesn't have a low social battery. She just doubles down when someone points out that she's being unfair.

Which does include not attempting to contact somebody by another channel if they've already felt unable to respond (or plain don't want to).

Didn’t the friend end it? Your daughter does sound intense and my autistic dd would feel overwhelmed by such behaviour too. I think anybody that gets so upset by unread text messages maybe shouldn’t be using the system. I think you’re too over invested and over involved in this. The friend has ended it, move on.

I speak as a ND mum with a ND daughter.

No one is saying (I don’t think) that your daughter was sitting indoors all day waiting for a reply.

What people are trying to say is that is entirely unreasonable to expect immediate responses from another person - ND or not - and you could have used this as a teaching moment for your daughter.

It is NOT a healthy or normal expectation, whether it’s a teen friendship, a colleague or an adult friendship.

I think you should have explained this to your daughter.

I also don’t think you wading in, taking sides etc is helpful.

As parents we are supposed to help our kids to navigate tricky situations with the ability to be self aware, not just defend them blindly. It’s not helpful.

There will be other people in future who find your DD’s need for reply/instant acknowledgement suffocating and you would have been better to discuss that with her, than blame the friend.

It doesn’t sound like this friendship is healthy for either girl. Best they don’t make up.

It’s full of teaching moments for your dd though. Just because someone has messaged and that has been read, does not mean either party is owed a response. It would be wrong if ex-friend demanded a response from your dd, it’s wrong for your dd to demand a response too. If she can’t handle that, she can’t have a phone.

next - friendships should not be this tricky. Friends should not demand to get their own way. It is completely right for your dd to end this friendship. She must be polite. She doesn’t need to be friends. This is important because if it’s a controlling boyfriend later, your dd needs to know to say no.

Exactly this.I don’t reply to messages immediately, neither do my husband, relations and friends. Professionals I work with don’t either. She really does need to learn to wait. I wonder if she struggles with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

Don't pathologise randoms on the Internet!

I think the OP has made it very clear that her DD had a problem with double standard at play, not they lack of immediate reply in and of itself

messaged first this time because friend usually calms down and wants to be friends with DD again. But DD is absolutely done and never wants to speak again. I wanted to make it clear the friendship was over and give Jane the chance to talk through the blocking and the end of the friendship with Friend before she discovered by chance that she's blocked on everything. Friend is prone to violent meltdowns so I wanted to at least give Jane the chance to prevent this.

The trouble is, as you’ve said yourself, they regularly fall out and make up.

It is not up to you or your mum to be the go between of them.

You can speak to your DD about her boundaries and how to handle things but neither of you should be playing piggy in the middle.

I am sure friend will be blocked by others at some stage and not all parents can contact the mum and explain.

It was not your problem to get involved in.
If friend found out she was blocked, then her mum could have contacted you and then you could have explained but there was no need to stir the pot or be passive aggressive.

It was the friend who said that she didn’t want to be friends with your DD first and so I’m sure her mum was aware of this.

It almost comes across as you’re annoyed that DDs friend told her she didn’t want to be friends with her and so you wanted to get in there first and tell the mum that DD doesn’t want to be friends with her DD.

The texts between you and the mum sound more childish than the girls, who are more than likely going to be back friends within a couple of days time.

You both just need to take a step back.

She was relaxing on a game!!! Said girl shouldn’t be dictating what she has to do and when. If she wants to read a text and relax before answering she can.

RSD can be common and with autism and adhd. It helps to be able to recognise it. Child in the op is autistic, the mother can do what she likes but she asked for advice and I’ve given my advice.