So angry at husband and cannot let it go

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have a sexless marriage among many other problems. It began many years ago and the only common factor appears to be my weight. I am the only one who has actually tried to do anything about it....talking, Iingerie, reading books, forums, therapy etc. I am currently a UK size 6-8. He burys himself in video games hobbies and work. I vary between a size 6-10. At my heaviest post children I was a size 12.

We did not have sex for four years when I was heavier (size 12) and he only started showing any enthusiasm when I got back to size 8. This was despite him being obese on the BMI scale (105 kg at 178 cm) he is now 90 so still over weight. My BMI never even reached over weight at max it was 24.9.

I am so incredibly bitterly angry at him and do not want him to ever touch me again. When we did have sex after four years of nothing I felt repulsed by him completely. I am convinced he is gay or asexual.

I am angry at him for his arrogance that he could judge me as less attractive at a size 12 when he was himself very overweight. I feel I have wasted my youthful beauty on him.

I cannot get over this even though he is now putting effort in and has lost weight. I want nothing to do with him. AIBU?

How do you know it’s to do with your weight, has he told you that? Sounds like there’s some other things going on, and you said yourself there are other issues in your marriage.

If you’re now a size 6-8 then you can’t really get much smaller, so is he all over you now or just slightly more interested?

He told me. We hashed it out and that was his explanation. He also only approaches me at the smaller weight. This has happened multiple times in our 26 year relationship. He was all over me when I first lost the weight but I have made it clear I do not want him touching me anymore so now he doesn't.

I'm sorry, it sounds shit, but there are many things it could be other than your weight. You said you were heaviest after having kids. That alone could be it - having kids around the place. Or he's more tired, working more, feeling stressed Plus you're both older, you're clearly unhappy which is clearly affecting your mood and probably his. Blaming weight without even discussing it seems like an oversimplification or a symptom or wrong

The other issues in our marriage are verbal abuse, an episode of sexual roughness (him pushing past consent when I said to stop because it hurt), general disrespect and him having long periods of dark low mood. His own father asked me if he was gay. So that's why I suspect among many other reasons including the way I have seen him behave around good looking young men when I never see him looking at women much at all unless they are very young (like 18/19/20).

Why is he still your husband?

We did discuss it and this was his explanation of the lack of attraction when it boiled down to it. And yes tired, stressed, kids. But for FOUR YEARS? I don't think any healthy heterosexual man would go that long when his wife was only a size 12. It just doesn't make any sense. And sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct one.

Because we have two children together.

Oh my god . I went through similar with my ex husband, I lasted way less years than you, sex was too important to me but it destroyed my self esteem, even though I was beautiful then (and much younger).
Dont waste any more time or energy on a relationship that doesn’t allow you to be your whole self.
its very rare that anyone needs to stay together for the sake of the children nowadays.
it will of course hurt the kids if you split up but the tension in your house must be palpable.

your relationship is a role modelling relationships to your children, what is this relationship teaching them?

Having children isn’t a reason to stay married to someone you deeply dislike, do yourself and your kids a favour and divorce him.
kids aren’t stupid they’ll know how you feel and it’s not healthy for any of you,

And?

If he was gay why would he be all over you at a slimmer size? You’re still a woman?

Either way you’re clearly unhappy and should end it officially - sounds like it’s been over for quite some time.

Size 12 is not large. It may be the largest you were but for him to be 'put off' when you were a size 12 just seems bat shit crazy to me (Sorry OP, this all sounds hellish with the consent violation and frankly you deserve better)

I am so sorry. This sounds awful. If I were you I would not want to stay married to him.

It really doesn't matter what your reasons are, you can end the marriage and start the rest of your life without him. If that is what you. Xxxxx

Your husband is gay OP, or bi.
Cut him loose and get a life of your own with your children.

What do you get out of this marriage?

What do your children get out of seeing their parents so unhappy with each other ?

Oh great you want your children to grow up in a stressful environment. you've already said you think you know the answer so again, why is he still your husband?

If you are bothered by a sexless marriage, and you clearly are, why stay?
There are worse things for children than divorce.

You have many years ahead of you, ditch him and move on.

None of what you've said is unreasonable. It sounds like he doesn't deserve you.

I think you need to separate . If your love and his love are only based on size then it’s not even love . Sorry but nobody stops having sex for a going a size up where they are ina heathy relationship. Your issue is not sizes , it’s lack of true love for each other .

Why are you still with your husband if you can't stand him?

Do you think the atmosphere of dislike between the two of you is a good environment to bring your children up in?

Is there any reason you can't leave him or ask him to leave because your marriage sounds hellish.

Why does having children mean that you have to stay with a total arsewipe?

I'm going to assume you're from somewhere where separation and divorce are frowned upon, because at least here in the UK, plenty of people separate from their spouses, despite having children together.

Whatever culture you're from where having kids means you're expected to stay in an abusive marriage, nevertheless you need to figure out how to get away from him. Imagine spending the rest of your life with this vile abusive creep.

I understand why it’s hard to leave when children are involved and when your lives are deeply enmeshed in every way. Guilting people about the environment for the children is not helpful.

OP it sounds absolutely awful. Really wish you all the best.

Yes, you are being unreasonable to remain with a man when you clearly utterly despise each other, and have a miserable, unhappy marriage.

I never understand why people post 'my husband is a horrible monster and I hate everything about him - but I'm not thinking about leaving him, I just want to complain about how awful our marriage is'. Erm...okay?