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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit like I’ve ‘lost’ a year with DD?

274 replies

scissorsinthekitchen · 02/04/2026 19:12

I know it’s a bit silly but DD turns 3 this summer, and she’ll be starting school in September 2027.

I feel a bit bereft at the thought. Four is such a lovely age and I feel it’s going to be swallowed up a bit in reception.

I know deferral is a possibility but it isn’t without consequences further down the line and if I’m honest it’s for my benefit not hers. Unless there are clear reasons not to I guess I think she’s better in her school year, but the children I know her age all seem to be autumn / winter babies and so have that extra 9-12 months before starting school.

OP posts:
illsendansostotheworld · 03/04/2026 13:42

The issue is when they get to secondary school in my opinion. One of our local schools allows pupils to start Year 7 even if they should be in Year 8 but have been deferred. Another local school makes them go straight into Year 8 which l think would be brutal.

Thechaseison71 · 03/04/2026 14:12

GardeningMummy · 03/04/2026 11:18

August 30th baby here and I really did struggle throughout every single year at school, even in high school, I just was NOT emotionally ready AT ALL and I was deferred until January of my first year (and I remember feeling like a stranger joining in on someone else’s class!). If I could turn back the clock, I would’ve been held back an entire year. I know for certain I would’ve had a night & day different experience at high school and would’ve ended up actually taking my GCSEs!

Anyway, OP my DD was in Reception during the first lockdown meaning they all ended up missing roughly 60-70% of their Reception year (obviously zoom lessons would’ve been futile with Reception-age kids!) and although I personally saw no lasting issue with regards DD’s education, when she was in year 3 her teacher commented on how there are still big gaps across the entire year, overhanging from that time missed during COVID (though of course, there was also the second lockdown for which DD was in year 1 and whilst we did attempt zoom classes, it wasn’t anything of much substance as lots of kids kept wandering off…..☺️) and that every single child in the entire year was somewhat behind where they should’ve been at that stage. So yeah, gaps were being noticed even 2-3 years later and I think this is relevant because although there is a lot of playtime in Reception, they do still learn. Within weeks of starting, DD was writing sentences and by Christmas had gone up two book bands (remember, the first Covid lockdown didn’t begin until march/april?).

Another thing to consider is friendships. Ok they do tend to drift from one friend to another at that age but DD had a firm bestie from day one whom she remained besties with until she left that school in year 3, even though they didn’t always play together at every break time.

Whereas I'm august 31st and didn't struggle at all. In fact many of my friends were in the year ahead as less childish than my years. And I was top of my class in most subjects except maths

Babyboomtastic · 03/04/2026 14:39

illsendansostotheworld · 03/04/2026 13:42

The issue is when they get to secondary school in my opinion. One of our local schools allows pupils to start Year 7 even if they should be in Year 8 but have been deferred. Another local school makes them go straight into Year 8 which l think would be brutal.

They aren't allowed to do that any more.

Bushmillsbabe · 03/04/2026 15:12

Leni0965 · 03/04/2026 11:06

We have tried but sadly can’t find one close enough! I’m a AHP in paediatrics and work in a lot of schools and there’s only one schools I know of in our area with continuous provision. Sadly they’re over subscribed and quite far away so he almost certainly won’t get a place.

I get so many referrals for summer born children in year 1/2 and quite often they just need more time rather than there being an underlying need.

Socially he’s pretty good but quite emotional and whilst his motor skills are great (can ride a bike and almost swim and knows his pre-writing shapes etc) he is absolutely uninterested in writing or drawing and I just know they’re be a mismatch between his ability and what he can put down on paper and that another two years in EYFS would solve this!

If he doesn’t get a school I’m happy with I will apply to defer, lots of local schools are mixed years (I’ve only applied for ones that don’t) and so I don’t really want him to be 3 - 15 months older but equally I’m not happy for him to be the youngest in a y1/2 class!

Show quote history

I'm also an AHP in paediatrics 😀

We did for a very short period consider deferring for DD2, as a May baby. Very similar reasons - emotional, delayed writing skills etc. But really glad we didn't, she is now top of her class in every area and would have been super bored in the class below her age group I think.

illsendansostotheworld · 03/04/2026 15:31

Babyboomtastic · 03/04/2026 14:39

They aren't allowed to do that any more.

Show quote history

Really? Because l work in admissions and have to tell all our families who want to delay that they may have to go straight into Year 8 when the time comes - think it's done on a case by case basis but the parents have to apply to the school - maybe the rules have changed and no-one told me!

SmallandSpanish · 03/04/2026 15:35

Defer if you can. We’ve never regretted it and in senior school now. Very grateful to have had the option. They grow up way too fast in this country and do miss a lot of childhood freedom6

Thechaseison71 · 03/04/2026 15:58

SmallandSpanish · 03/04/2026 15:35

Defer if you can. We’ve never regretted it and in senior school now. Very grateful to have had the option. They grow up way too fast in this country and do miss a lot of childhood freedom6

Grow up too fast? We are in a country that infantilises bloody teenagers

Iris2020 · 03/04/2026 16:03

Thechaseison71 · 03/04/2026 14:12

Whereas I'm august 31st and didn't struggle at all. In fact many of my friends were in the year ahead as less childish than my years. And I was top of my class in most subjects except maths

Edited
Show quote history

It's so child dependant. I was young in my year and always resented my mum because she didn't allow me to start a year early based on my birth month. My sibling was allowed to and had a far more positive experience of school.

Yes, there are some children for whom delaying entry is helpful. There are others for whom it's literally the kiss of death.

Mumsnet is massively pro delaying but I really believe it's an option that should be used sparingly. I do however strongly believe we shouldn't make a big deal out of repeating a year when necessary.

tsmainsqueeze · 03/04/2026 16:30

Everydayimhuffling · 02/04/2026 19:52

I also felt this with my summer baby. With my winter baby it felt like I had a lot more time.

My exact feelings too with my summer baby, i also have 2 winter babies.
I just hate the way a little 4 year becomes another cog in the wheel of a school education when they've only just begun to live really, so many expectations regarding how they should behave and conform and what their capabilities should be at a given age.
I feel sorry for them , i really wish we started them much later as other countries do.

Yellowsubmarine55 · 03/04/2026 16:42

Don't underestimate how much a child develops between the ages of 3 and 4 and certainly don't write them off just because they were born a certain month. It sounds like OP wants to defer for her own benefit not her child's. I'd wait until nearer the time for that decision and definitely apply for a school place next year and find one that's suitable for your child.

I have a July boy who's just about to do his sats, so yr 6. I didn't defer and boy am I glad I didn't as he's done super well academic wise as on track for gds in reading and spag.

Emotional wise, yes you can see he's less mature than a September classmate but it's not drastically different.

All children are different.

Original poster
scissorsinthekitchen · 03/04/2026 17:12

The Op doesn’t want to defer at all!

The OP has been abundantly clear on that throughout the thread.

OP posts:
RosyDaysAhead · 03/04/2026 17:55

My son is a late June baby. I thought he was ready for school when he started he was independent, toilet trained and generally just ready. Roll on to now, he’s 16 and started college this past September. He wasn’t ready to leave school. He still needed a more nurturing environment than college offers. He took a year this year to just do a personal development course… he starts his proper course in September. He now feels
ready to move forward. I agree they don’t catch up

FunFinch · 03/04/2026 18:04

I am currently going through the same anguish. My daughter will be 4 at the end of june 2027 and I feel she'll be so young, and then my son was born at the end of july last year so ill have the same situation in a few years. I have looked into deferring, but we are in a local nursery and all the children in my daughters class will all be going to the same school. So whilst shes one of youngest, I think keeping her with her friends would be the right option for her

CoffeeAddict443224 · 03/04/2026 18:25

MyFAFOera · 02/04/2026 22:50

Sounds remarkably like the EYFS in the UK. Where children predominantly learn through play.

Children in the UK don't go into the more formal stage of learning until year 1, which is the year children will turn 6.

Theres this myth that the UK are awful and educating children horribly early.... We are actually pretty similar. Our EYFS is much like nordic countries preschool we just call it school.

Show quote history

We learned through play but we also:

  1. Had naps every day
  2. We had several teachers in the room, like nursery so there was a lot of 1 to 1
  3. We were not expected to sit at desks for a big chunk of the day. In fact, we were outside for a very big chunk of the day.
  4. There was no attendance obligation. Parents could pick you up at 12 every day if they wanted. Or take you on holiday etc.

What children do at 4/5 in the UK is much more formal and strict.

MadMadaMim · 03/04/2026 19:03

We deferred until the April so they did the final term with the class and wasn't totally new in year 1. Best dexision for our family (it was a long time ago!).

Never behind. The opposite, in fact. Very academic, sociable, good and wide friends group.

Degree from a great uni, internship at prestigious international uni, completing MSc at globally top ranked UK uni.

I think it really depends on the child and the family. Even though she was ready for 'school' environment, it seemed (and still does) alien to me. Where I started school, the age was 6 or 7. Prior to that it was a nursery type setting. I wanted the same for my child

Yourcatisnotsorry · 03/04/2026 19:40

Mum of a deferred child here. There have been zero downsides. You’ll still be eligible for 30 hours funded (which is the same hours as school).

ThatLemonBee · 03/04/2026 20:01

Is party of the reason we moved to Scotland before school age , both my youngests are starting at 5and half , in their classes they only have one child that started at 4 .
I wouldn’t change it , they are both excelling .

Moo31 · 03/04/2026 20:14

I'm in Northern Ireland where the school cut off is the start of July. My oldest is a November baby and my youngest was born at the end of June. Youngest started nursery in September 2024 (9 weeks after his 3rd birthday). In comparison his older brother was 3 years and 10 months when he started nursery. I definitely felt robbed of time with the youngest - the things I did with my oldest in that year before he started school I didn't have an opportunity to do with the youngest.

My youngest started school last September (9 weeks after his 4th birthday) and is still not the age his older brother was when starting school (4 years 10 months). I regretted not deferring him right up to Christmas. But since Christmas something has clicked and he is thriving - he is in the top reading group and loving school. I'm glad we didn't defer him but I definitely echo your sentiment of feeling robbed of the time with him.

anotherside · 03/04/2026 20:17

Your child we be competing directly against similar aged cohort for university places. Wait another year if you can, it’s a no brainer.

anotherside · 03/04/2026 20:22

In Ireland the youngest kids are often January/February, as the summer parents will nearly always put off formal education till the next year (when their kids will be 5 already in starting)

winnieanddaisy · 03/04/2026 20:26

My August born DD and her best friend who was 2 weeks younger were the brightest two in their class and they would have been even if they hadn’t have started school within weeks of their fourth birthday.
On the other hand my December born son is equally as clever . I really don’t think it makes any difference.

Zerosleep · 03/04/2026 20:27

I had one summer baby and deferred primary school by a year for this reason. No reason why you can’t do this as school is not a legal requirement until age 5. A year made the difference and child was in a much better place after that year emotionally and otherwise to cope with the transition.

anotherside · 03/04/2026 20:28

I was a July baby and was always among the top 3-4 in my class but I genuinely believe I’d have done as well as the top 1-2 if I’d been the same age as them (rather than always 9-10 months younger). That extra bit of confidence and maturity.

Original poster
scissorsinthekitchen · 03/04/2026 20:44

Yourcatisnotsorry · 03/04/2026 19:40

Mum of a deferred child here. There have been zero downsides. You’ll still be eligible for 30 hours funded (which is the same hours as school).

We aren’t eligible. I know I’m shouting into the wind here as no one is reading my replies 😂

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 03/04/2026 20:51

As an August born child myself (deferring wasn’t a thing I don’t think when I was young) I can’t say that I suffered at school at all - neither did any of my summer born friends.

my DSS is in year 2 and has many summer born friends all of who are thriving. I think unless you are explicitly told she’d struggle I don’t understand why you’d defer? It sounds like it’d be more for you than for her.