To feel a bit like I’ve ‘lost’ a year with DD?

[scissorsinthekitchen]

I know it’s a bit silly but DD turns 3 this summer, and she’ll be starting school in September 2027.

I feel a bit bereft at the thought. Four is such a lovely age and I feel it’s going to be swallowed up a bit in reception.

I know deferral is a possibility but it isn’t without consequences further down the line and if I’m honest it’s for my benefit not hers. Unless there are clear reasons not to I guess I think she’s better in her school year, but the children I know her age all seem to be autumn / winter babies and so have that extra 9-12 months before starting school.

I am lucky where I live. I have a July born daughter and I deferred her. Our primary is an academy. The feeder secondary is also part of the same academy. They are very supportive of deferrals. I have no concerns whatsoever about the rest of her school journey and am confident I made the right choice for her. I think a lot of people are reluctant to go against the societal norm. I think children are struggling more now than they used to. Too much screen time, post Covid life etc. I think teachers of younger ones have got it harder now than they had 6-10 years ago for sure, when thinking about the average child and how ready they are for active learning.

But lots of countries send children to day care and pre-school, often for very long hours. The EYFS curriculum involves phonics but it also involves a lot of play. You hear ‘school’ and make assumptions about what it entails.

To be fair, it’s been a really interesting thread which has shown how different areas and schools have different approaches to summer horns potentially deferring. It is mildly frustrating that deferring is being seen by some as a sort of common sense ‘why wouldn’t you’ and the mark of a truly switched on parent, when I see it a bit differently. It’s good to have as an option but I’d only be seriously considering it if it was this time next year and my three year old was still not reliably potty trained, still needed a midday nap, still cried at drop off at nursery and so on - then I might be thinking an extra year would be beneficial. As it is none of that applies and she isn’t three yet so I think we’ll be OK.

Your feelings are natural OP, but haven’t lost anything. It’s just a new phase and mourning change

There will be new opportunities, like walking to school, learning spellings together, book day costumes.

Then it will happen again with the transition to secondary.

Agree no reason to defer.

Mine are older now (13&14) but i still renember this. We did consider deferring DD1 but didnt... it eas still very new legislation and we didnt completely trust it. Weve had a few "What if" thoughts over the years. But overall we are glad we didnt. Strangely, this is actually due to her SEN. It became obvious in Reception, where as she would have been seen as "normal range" in the year below. So she got help early, and is now towards the top of her year (with hopefully extra time in exams, the school have applied).

Anyway back to your readon OP... yes it would be lovely to have more time at home. But she will also have great experiences at school. Parenting is about havingvto let them fly by themselves. And there is loafs of time off

I have two late-August born boys and it felt very strange dropping my just-turn 4yos off then having them come home with sweets for one of their classmates' 5th birthday in the first week or two of school! But now 5 and 2 years later I'm glad I made the decision to send them in as they love school and have a great group of friends. I'd have felt worse in hindsight not sending them for that first "fun" year old reception as the jump to y1 is tough enough without them going straight from nursery to y1!

Funnily enough my youngest has an autumn birthday and I'm now wondering what on Earth I'm going to do to entertain him for the final year before school because the others were so ready for it at 4 and he'll be almost 5 when he starts!

Is deferring reception that much difference than spending an extra year in nursery ?

My DD is a July baby and started school soon after turning 4. She loved it and was very much top of her class straight away. She was bringing home reading books ahead of children who were 10 months older than her. Now shes predicted 7-9 across her GCSEs and looking forward to 6th form.

However in the first year I did give her a few days off where I might have sent an older child in, one week she'd been off with an ear infection but i didn't send her back in until she'd caught up on her sleep so a couple of extra days and one or two rest days through the year and we took a family holiday in term time that year which I wouldn't otherwise do.

I'm struggling to understand why people defer if theres no obvious developmental delay. DD would not have benefited from an extra year at nursery and being the eldest. I guess if you are a SAHM then you can just keep them in that bubble.

I have an August born girl - she went straight into Y1 at just turned 5 (she'd been in a kindergarten before then PT). Never wanted her in FT school at just turned 4. She's really happy in school and doing well. Absolutely the right decision for her.
My son is a September birthday who started reception just before turning 5 - he is bright and capable (and will need to move up a year, which is a whole other story....) but bored because academically he is so far ahead of his peers.....
I was ok with him going into reception due to his age.
Overall don't agree with formal education starting at 4 for children....

I know 2 kids born and the end of August who have ended up repeating year 6, and my DS best friend is end of August born and has constantly struggled despite high CAT scores etc.
I know that’s a small sample size. Equally my end July born nephew has always thrived. But if I had any doubt I wouldn’t hesitate defer my summer born child.

It is mildly frustrating that deferring is being seen by some as a sort of common sense ‘why wouldn’t you’ and the mark of a truly switched on parent

@scissorsinthekitchen

i think that narrative is pushed forward by parents who have deferred children as a defence of their own decision. There is growing pushback, as was to be honest inevitable, towards parents of perfectly capable children using the deferring system so that their own child becomes the oldest rather than the youngest.
the deferral system doesn’t mean that a child is no longer the youngest, it simply means that it isn’t their child. But the deferral system makes it worse. Without deferral system, the absolute maximum age range was one year, now that’s been increased to 15 months, which obviously will result in even worse results for the new youngest.

I think it’s entirely possible that in a few years the system will be scrapped, unless good reason to defer, as the policy makers wake up to the fact that this was obviously going to be exploited by those that can afford to defer.

it’s a valid argument however to say that just turned 4 is too young. It isn’t a valid argument to say youngest perform worst and that’s why, because all that does is push the youngest to someone else. I think the system should be something like everyone starting in January so that no one is starting at just 4.

I think it would have made more sense to gradually move the cut off to july 1st/june 1st, with applications fo medical reasons from earlier, then a randomly applied "from 1st April" rule.

Can anyone provide details of the research quoted?

@arethereanyleftatall thanks. I think being both the very oldest and the very youngest can have some problems. I can quite see it’s the best decision for some, just I can’t honestly say it would be for us.

my own girls were chomping at the bit to get to reception. Admittedly they are winter born so were 4.7. But a few posters have asserted 4/5 is too young to start. That’s individual. It might be for some children but that’s not true for all.

I’m a bit sad that if she’d been born five weeks later we would have had an extra year of days out during the week when it’s quiet

It was 5 days before deadline for my summer born - toilet training was hard though they turned out to have SEN and ADHD though not picked up till uni.

I know there has to be a cut off somewhere but if we could have deferred I do think it would have been better for them. Though at just 18 they were fine heading off to uni - they got their A-level results before they turned 18 - though think we did a lot to get them to that point that wasn't seen by outsiders as such.

So I think five week before cut off deadline I wouldn't defer either unless there were signifcant delays in development. Theres till pleanty of time outside school to do things with her.

As I say the issue is with being at the edge of the year either way.

DS is the eldest and it's noticeable at times. The difference in maturity is significant. That's not always helpful for fitting in.

I was with friends the other day who all have kids in the same year. DS is firmly headed for teenager whilst they are still firmly primary school. They are all younger ones (DS class is actually summer born heavy too. There's only four or five of them out of 32 who are before Christmas babies).

Realistically if DS have been born a couple of days earlier he'd have been middle of yr7 now. Some of the others if they'd have been born a couple of days later or deferred would be middle of yr5. At times the difference between them looks like yr5s and yr7s because of individual maturity. He's so ready to be at high school. He hates primary and complains about it being babyish. I think he will find High School hard though as it's so big.

I do think you need to think about individual children for this reason. Would DS have been better in the year above? Did I make the right decision? Yes because of his friends and because the class above has kids who I'm glad we avoided. But in terms of whether he would have coped? I don't think it would have been as much of a big deal as I'd thought at age 4/5.

🙋‍♀️ Late July baby here (and 28 week preemie to boot), I was in my age cohort, got decent GCSEs and A-levels, went on to study at Bristol and UCL, followed by a PhD at Sheffield. 🤣

I do get that some Summer born babies may benefit from starting a year later though, but it probably shouldn’t be thought of as the default or assume that they will definitely have problems. My June born nearly 8 years old, took a little while for reading (and being able to enjoy reading) started to click, her writing (and spelling!) could do with a lot of work, but she’s recently developed a real love of Science, has thrived since starting her junior school, had a brilliant parents evening recently. I don’t feel remotely guilty for not considering Out of Year for her. On the other hand, there is no way my late August 10 year old who has Down’s syndrome would have been able to start reception (and gain from it) at just turned 4. Holding her back was clearly the right choice for her.

I deferred my summer born partly for this reason, I wanted more time with her but also I thought just four is too early to start school. I notice every year how the tiny ones struggle with starting school, and can get very upset. So she started reception age just five with no tears, a few weeks older than some of her friends. No negative consequences so far and its clear the transfer to secondary will be smooth.

We have tried but sadly can’t find one close enough! I’m a AHP in paediatrics and work in a lot of schools and there’s only one schools I know of in our area with continuous provision. Sadly they’re over subscribed and quite far away so he almost certainly won’t get a place.

I get so many referrals for summer born children in year 1/2 and quite often they just need more time rather than there being an underlying need.

Socially he’s pretty good but quite emotional and whilst his motor skills are great (can ride a bike and almost swim and knows his pre-writing shapes etc) he is absolutely uninterested in writing or drawing and I just know they’re be a mismatch between his ability and what he can put down on paper and that another two years in EYFS would solve this!

If he doesn’t get a school I’m happy with I will apply to defer, lots of local schools are mixed years (I’ve only applied for ones that don’t) and so I don’t really want him to be 3 - 15 months older but equally I’m not happy for him to be the youngest in a y1/2 class!

I don't think those who defer are necessarily defensive about our choice, we just see starting school at 4 or 5 a choice, and therefore sending them at 4 is as much sending them early as sending them at 5 is sending them late. It's not 'shall I defer', but 'shall I send them early'.

Equally though, postponing career development isn't cost neutral, and it can be hard to step away from the default, where it feels like you 'should' send them at 4.

Whatever age you send them, it's hard losing that time with your small budy. It feels like the time goes too fast!

August 30th baby here and I really did struggle throughout every single year at school, even in high school, I just was NOT emotionally ready AT ALL and I was deferred until January of my first year (and I remember feeling like a stranger joining in on someone else’s class!). If I could turn back the clock, I would’ve been held back an entire year. I know for certain I would’ve had a night & day different experience at high school and would’ve ended up actually taking my GCSEs!

Anyway, OP my DD was in Reception during the first lockdown meaning they all ended up missing roughly 60-70% of their Reception year (obviously zoom lessons would’ve been futile with Reception-age kids!) and although I personally saw no lasting issue with regards DD’s education, when she was in year 3 her teacher commented on how there are still big gaps across the entire year, overhanging from that time missed during COVID (though of course, there was also the second lockdown for which DD was in year 1 and whilst we did attempt zoom classes, it wasn’t anything of much substance as lots of kids kept wandering off…..☺️) and that every single child in the entire year was somewhat behind where they should’ve been at that stage. So yeah, gaps were being noticed even 2-3 years later and I think this is relevant because although there is a lot of playtime in Reception, they do still learn. Within weeks of starting, DD was writing sentences and by Christmas had gone up two book bands (remember, the first Covid lockdown didn’t begin until march/april?).

Another thing to consider is friendships. Ok they do tend to drift from one friend to another at that age but DD had a firm bestie from day one whom she remained besties with until she left that school in year 3, even though they didn’t always play together at every break time.

I promise I did put my above post into more paragraphs that that! 🤦🏼‍♀️⬆️

Something they may become a lesser issue now... but summerborns also got less preschool.

The reality was... DD stayed in the U2s room until she was 2y3m, the the 2-3s until she was 3y3m, then just a year in that room. Her friends who were birn in september/october moved up befire their birthdays, and did two years of preschool.

So the summerborns had the double whammy of being the youngest and less of the preparation time.

I was at school back when they did the Easter intake for summer borns and we were definately disadvantaged by that as well.

I’m very undecided with what to do about preschool. She currently does two days in nursery and is moving up to the preschool room after Christmas. So she won’t have much time there at all which worries me a bit, as her brother had a full year and did three days, while she only does two.