To feel a bit like I’ve ‘lost’ a year with DD?

[scissorsinthekitchen]

I know it’s a bit silly but DD turns 3 this summer, and she’ll be starting school in September 2027.

I feel a bit bereft at the thought. Four is such a lovely age and I feel it’s going to be swallowed up a bit in reception.

I know deferral is a possibility but it isn’t without consequences further down the line and if I’m honest it’s for my benefit not hers. Unless there are clear reasons not to I guess I think she’s better in her school year, but the children I know her age all seem to be autumn / winter babies and so have that extra 9-12 months before starting school.

I’m not sure what negative consequences you mean? Negative consequences already mentioned such as being unable to represent the school in sports or music or whatever talents they may have, possible awkwardness at secondary level regarding year of entry and so on.

The thread has turned into a bit of a ‘AIBU to not defer my summer born’ which isn’t really what I was expressing. It’s more that I can’t believe in a few short months I’ll be applying for her school place. I never felt things went fast with my eldest (despite everyone around me insisting that it goes so fast!) but with DD it’s raced by. I think she’ll barely be out of toddlerhood when I send her to school, and I don’t think that will harm her at all but I’ll miss out!

I get you OP. I have a summer born boy and I found him starting school very very emotional for this reason. As you say, it was about me, not about him. But it’s hard.

For what it’s worth, I considered the data on summer borns as a group and thought about deferring him, but I felt very confident that sending my particular child to school in his age group was the right thing to do for him, and so far I seem to have been right about that.

It's not just, or even mostly, the academic side of things you need to think about - it's her social and emotional readiness. Unless you think she's not going to develop at all between the ages of 4 and 5 there's no question that school will be a better experience for her if she's one of the oldest in her year, not the youngest.

One of mine was almost 6yo when he started P1. No regrets.

@Hallamule I will look closer the time but at the moment there’s absolutely no indication she won’t be absolutely fine.

I understand how you feel, my youngest DD has just turned 4 and I'm going to treasure these last few months with her before she starts school in September. She's become a proper individual little person now and I absolutely love it!

However, she is 100% ready for school now and if she'd been August born it would have been to her detriment to hold her back a year.
My middle DS is actually August born and started school just turned 4. He struggled in every aspect for two terms and by Easter we decided to take him out and have him restart reception September just gone. He has flourished this year and deferring him was the best decision.
So it really is dependant on the child, and as much as you don't want to miss out on time with your child it would obviously be selfish to use that as the decision maker.

I get you. I had the same. That last year together she grew up so much and actually was so ready for school by the time it came around and has flourished since. She’s so much more confident and loves learning. But I was so sad about missing out on that extra time. My youngest is born in the first half of the school year and I think I’ll feel like she’s been around ages by the time she goes!

I delayed both mine for no other reason than yours - more time. They are only little once, and they will be in school a significant portion of the waking hours from the moment they start - why rush that if you don't have to?

I have zero regrets - and neither do they. I assure you they are not 'cross' because they are desperate to be in the year above.

They will be through school and off to university/work before you blink.

It comes at a huge cost though @Gravitass , amounting to thousands which is difficult to justify when you don’t ‘have’ to. If I was a millionaire it might be different!

I think four is just a lovely age and I’m sorry I’ll miss it in a way (I know I won’t really but days out when it’s not all busy, chilled days at home, swimming lessons in the day … ah getting all maudlin again!)

My September baby is starting school this year at almost 5, where as my youngest is a late August baby so she will just be 4. It does worry me :(

DS is the oldest in his year. I was given the choice of an August or a September baby. We thought September was a no brainer but they said apparently lots of people chose August because it's a whole additional extra year of childcare to fund. (Funding has changed since DS was born).

DS was friends with a lot of the older children who went to school the year before him. This was hard as he had to start over when they left.

When they left it absolutely wasn't ready for school. But he definitely was by Christmas that year. The difference was just a few months difference in practice. I felt that year was definitely an 'extra' over the youngest kids.

He is by far one of the most mature. It really shows at times. He is much more on a part emotionally with the youngest of the year above. But he significantly has a lot more confidence than the youngest in the year above. Compared with some of the youngest in his year the difference is huge too. There's a massive range of when they are ready for High School too. Which also isn't necessarily linear with birth at this point but you've already made that decision.

There's also frustrations. Being at the beginning/end of a school year has multiple ramifications. For sports he's having to wait an additional year as the cut off remains 31st August. He can't train with the older kids so he's stuck at a training level he is past. For Cubs and Scouts he ends up out of year because he's gone up with the youngest of the school year above - it means he hasn't been with his year group peers. At times this has meant he's struggled with confidence in that situation as he doesn't know the others and they have pre-existing relationships from school within their year. Then by the time the youngest has come up, DS has done a full cycle of activities and doesn't necessarily want to fit back in with the younger ones.

When we get older he will be the first to be able to get driving lessons and drink. This puts different pressures on kids and it puts its own associated responsibilities on the eldest which the youngest don't feel. As a young driver with his friends that's a scary prospect that he will be the one having to make the grown up decisions whilst his younger friends do the dicking about.

In deferring you make a decision to separate from peers. It puts more pressure on them in future years. More is expected of them if they are the eldest which can be a good thing for some but for others it's really not as it adds a layer of responsibility that some just aren't really ready for.

DH and I are both summer babies and noticed it even at university. We wanted things to be the other way round to us and I think this weighed heavily on us - so it really wasn't a decision we made based on DS himself.

If I'm completely honest though now I'd say neither youngest nor oldest is 'better' as such. Being either inevitably brings its own challenges regardless - if you are the eldest / youngest in the year it's unavoidable and you do get 'what IDs that those in the middle don't consider. It's a case of picking your poison more that 'the better' option.

If you are a SAHM with no younger children I’d say go for it. If they won’t be spending much time with you on their year off then I’d say send them to school. Just bear in mind when I had a look into it some schools make you skip a year later on so you need to find out the policy for your primary and secondary.

Yes, I think there are challenges to either extreme. Probably optimum is between December and march but we don’t always or indeed often get exactly what we want 😅 Well, DD is exactly what and who I want to be fair

fwiw I was the youngest in my class when I was in school, and although academically it was absolutely fine as I was bright even, socially I think I really would have benefitted from deferring (it wasn't a possibility back then), as I was just not as mature as my peers.

In this area deferred children are not allowed to remain 'out of age'. They have to skip a year and join their chronological cohort before year 6.

I deferred my Aug baby and so glad I did. She’s confident, happy and just where she should be. She’s friends with girls in her ‘proper’ year and they present so much older. I can’t imagine her being friends with them.

They can't do that any more. The school/council etc would have to successfully argue why it's in a child's best interest to miss a year of schooling. Given that's not something they can easily do, it doesn't happen in reality. It doesn't stop some schools scaremongering about it, but in reality, it's not an issue.

Equally, they can't force a child starting at CSA (so deferring) stress ivy year 1, unless they determine that it's in a child's best interests to miss out on reception.

I actually think it depends on whether they’ve been much at nursery / pre school as much as anything. My summer born DD was used to being at nursery, and so the school day is actually slightly shorter. Reception is really just an extension of pre-school, it’s all very much play based. Plus she gets so many school holidays I’ve seen more of her than I did when she was at nursery! (Well that’s how it feels to me anyway!)

I'm not sure what consequences you think there will be for deferring a summer born? Are you in England? Just guessing as in some other parts of the UK an August born would be one of the oldest in a year, and I'm not aware of them suffering any consequences.

Personally, I'd never send a just turned 4yr old to school, way too young, should be at home with the primary carer.

What area are you in? They are not allowed to do this, so definitely worth fighting them on it. So many schools just try it on.

Has anyone done part time until the term after they turn five? Thats what I want to do but DP not keen

Do you think, given this research, that it would make more sense to homeschool, by following the school curriculum for that first year, and to have them start school officially in p2? I'm already on the fence about homeschooling and my son is a June baby.

@Leni0965

I’m in the same boat as you. My three year old is young for his age and I’m concerned about Y1.

My eldest son is currently in Y1 and he’s ok but January was hard when it shifted to more formal day. He’s older in the year and all more mature for his age…

I think I’m going to defer but change my mind every day atm

My DD was a July baby and she was absolutely ready to start school soon after turning 4. I didn't feel that she or I missed out at all. We had our chats walking to and from school, afternoons together, long school holidays. Shes now 14 and doing brilliantly at school and socially. I'm glad I didn't have people telling me that deferral was an appropriate option at the time and we just went with the expected start time. There's always something to feel guilty about as a parent.

I don’t feel guilty, tbh. I think the thread has kind of taken on a life of its own, but I’m not planning on deferring, not unless it’s this time next year and she clearly isn’t ready but I can’t see that; she’s bright, verbal, potty trained, enjoys books and puzzles and crafts.

It’s me who is missing a year I think 😅