AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

That is tough and a real shame the grandparents didn't work out what they could afford before getting everyone's hopes up. I guess chat with school about the finance payment options but if it is unaffordable there is very little you can do, maybe find a private school where the fees are slightly lower. 26k a year is an obscene amount of money

It may not just be the deposit that you lose, you may also be on the hook for a terms fees as its usually a terms notice. Can you talk to them about bursaries and scholarships? they usually have some details on their website, an academic scholarship could be anything from 10% to 50%. Can you increase your income / reduce outgoings etc

We are in the South East so every school has a similar fee. It is obscene I agree, but we feel we have no choice as mainstream is not an option, professionals all agree DS is unlikely to cope. VAT has also added the 20% to what was already high fees, we may have been able to afford it with the 1/3 prior to the VAT added on.

I used to work at an independent school and this is exactly what the bursary scheme is for. Have a discussion with the registrar and see if there is anything they can do before you give up all hope.

I am just not sure whether this is super rude or cheeky as DS hasn’t even started at this school yet and we are asking for a discount.

Grandparents are being unreasonable, and before anyone disagrees it’s obvious they offered half the fees and have pulled out last min. They should of checked finances before offering!

You must be stressed, definitely reach out to the school. I don’t think you’d get a deposit back as from my knowledge that’s the reason for a deposit x

Now’s not the time for scruples OP! Just ask, worse case scenario is a “no”

I am trying not to be frustrated as of course any offer of fees or money is very kind and generous, but it is hard not to feel we’ve been led up the garden path as we now have limited options for September.

They should never have let it progress to this stage.

absolutely contact the school re options as others have said.

also, get out a map and consider all options again. How big is the state school. Are there any smaller in a reasonable distance? Is there a home Ed community or an online school.

Does he have an EHCP? There are lots of brilliant schools in the south east that cater for children like that if it’s written as ‘not suitable for mainstream’. Have you looked?

The numbers are confusing, how much are the grandparents offering now? If you are talking about £20k with that being ⅔ does that mean the grandparents are now offering £10k instead of the original expected amount of £13k. A reduction of £3k isn't that significant in the overall figures

I don’t follow your numbers though - they were going to provide £13k which was half, ie £26k per year total. Now you say they will only cover 1/3 which leaves you with £20k to find, which implies total fees of £30k, with them providing £10k rather than the original £13k.

Your choice of wording “understood the fees to be” also implies they made an assumption. Were you not explicit?

So is it the case that you’ve blindsided them with higher fees than they expected?

Cross posted with Baroness!

Do the grandparents work or are they retired or how exactly are they funding this?

I would firstly see if the school has any bursaries that you can avail of.
Are any of the fees tax deductible?
Do you / DH have a way of making extra money in future years to increase your contribution?

If you can think of a way to increase your contribution and there are no bursaries available, I would perhaps ask the grandparents of they could stick to the 50% this year and reduce future year's input (so e.g. if the full amount over the years they will be contributing is £50k that they would still contribute that but just tapered off so £13k this year and a bit less every other year after) given you need to try to find the funds quickly.

Alternatively, I'd definitely be looking for cheaper schools. Even a few thousand a year less would be very helpful.

I'm confused, if half was £13k then the total is £26k and so you now have to come up with two thirds of that which is just over £17k - if you could have afforded £13k are you sure you can't make £17k work? You'd lose far more than that extra £4k if you stopped work and started homeschooling.

I think you might be surprised at the provision offered by a good state. Are any of the "experts" familiar with the local state schools, and the provisions they have? Not all state schools are equal, and if his needs are such that he's eligible for an EHCP then you will have more ability to choose provision. Though you might have missed the boat if he's sat 11+ already.

It's a real shame, but there is nothing you can do about it of course, time for a new plan of action.

If the grandparents can pull the rug at this stage then I’d be worried it could happen again once he’s at a school.

I was just about to post this!

Yes, we’d be covering 2/3 but also need to factor in all the extras we’d be paying for like uniform, trips, lunches. The grandparents contribution would be just shy of a terms worth of fees.

I’ve said Yabu because you should always have a backup plan if you’re accepting money from someone else’s for school fees.

Sounds like you and dh have on about how your clever kid won’t cope in state school and PiL felt under pressure to offer help, but now realised they just can’t. Don’t be angry at them. It won’t help, and I’m sure they feel bad already.

Better the PIL tell you now than letting your boy get settled and changing minds in a year or two. Agree it’s a very unfortunate situation

I often think of my db in posts like this - he as ASD (undiagnosed due to his age it wasn’t considered when he was young) and he would be exactly the kind of person to offer to help as he would feel socialy that was expected but then retract offer when he realised he was expected to follow through. We just tend to assume all adults are perfectly rational and only kids can have trouble managing social situations.

No you won’t get deposit back I expect. It’s tiny in grand scheme of things.

Many, many academic kids go to large secondary schools and struggle to cope with SEN to one degree or another. if I were you - I’d research a decent school for pastoral support and not worry about academics. You may be able to afford to switch in y9 if things improve financially?

Very good point. And their circs might change, they might suddenly need money for care, or they may even pass and the estate go to a less generous relative.

@LighthouseDreamz if your son's needs are so great that professionals agree that he is unlikely to cope with mainstream secondary , I assume he has an EHCP? In which case appropriate placement will have been considered at his transition review. If his needs have not met that threshold, it's difficult to understand why you've written it off for many years. A smaller secondary school with a resource base might still be an option?
Otherwise you will probably have to find the extra money somehow - e.g. downsizing, better or second job, increase mortgage if no bursary available. I agree the grandparents have let you down but you have backed yourself into this corner with only one option.

You would have to cover those extras anyway.

The £4K or so less from GPs is obviously significant, but if margins are that tight then respectfully you can’t afford this without a bursary. Private school fee inflation tends to be significant, so you’d hit this roadblock at some point soon either way.

Pensions have taken a massive hit in the last few weeks due to the invasion of Iran affecting the stock markets, so they genuinely may not be able to afford it anymore.