AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

I think offering a "favour" that you can't see through is worse than not making the offer in the first place, and that applies regardless of the scale of the favour.

To increase income by £7k a year, without cutting back on spending, you'd need to work at a minimum wage level (£12.71) for 10.5 hours a week, or perhaps 11hours to cover travel expenses.

Many parents make sacrifices for their children to attend private school, and many for just the reasons you've described. But you do have the right to be very frustrated with the sudden change of cicumstances and plans.

@Trusttheawesome he sounds pretty well parented to me - he knows the rules very well but will get extremely anxious when others don’t keep them! It’s easy to get led up the garden path by private school when your child looks vulnerable.

I know of three neurodivergent children who've come out of school to be home educated in the last year or so and all three are thriving. They have some online lessons, they go to groups and meet up with friends and they're free of the stresses of school. If you can afford to home educate (do you work?), that would be my suggestion.

Just ask! I used to work in a private trio of colleges and people were ALWAYS asking for discounts or saying this is how much we can pay. There were always students who were paying less for the same education. They are used to this. It’s a market. Treat it like a price negotiation for a sofa (obvs more important than that but just to help your perception).

i do feel for you as I have an ASD son and we paid for private schooling up to 16. We chose a very expensive school with great senco and small class sizes. It was a struggle and he thrived. Vat pushed it over the edge in terms of affordability and he is now at a very large state sixth form college and is having a great time set to get some good a level results, now has a girlfriend and is settled.

no way could my have son attended the very large state comprehensives in my area at age 11. Contact the Bursar say your circumstances have changed now the grandparents can only pay £X per year. See if he can get a bursary but it could that all the bursary funds have been allocated at this point but you have nothing to lose.

the grandparents can pay you back the deposit and will have to pay the first term fees which you are now liable for. It’s their decision that has led to this outcome

also explore any cheaper private schools outskirts of London such as Surrey have a few

Did you apply for a state school place? I'm guessing not if you thought the independent place was set.
So, you need to contact the bursar urgently , honest conversation and see what they can do or if it's too late and the bursary funds have been allocated. Do this quickly as otherwise you may miss crucial dates.
EHCP - if your sons needs are that he won't cope in mainstream then you need to revisit the process and apply for an EHCNA immediately, then appeal if they reject.
If the independent school is definitely going to be out of the question then you need to apply for a state school place as quickly as possible, or you'll have to look at home education until you can get this mess sorted out.
Start with the bursar though, sometimes they are able to sort these sorts of problems out.

Agree with this. It really does sound like you had “private school is all that will work” mentality in your head and just blocked out everything else. No follow up to get him an ECHP. No reviewing state schools for one that’s perhaps more suitable for him. No reviewing burseries. It all sounds a bit mad and sticking head in sand approach. Yes the GP have left it a bit last minute to effectively half their contribution but it’s still a lot of money they are offering and generous. You just cannot afford private education for your DC. It’s upsetting I get that. I can’t afford it either. So I found the best state school for them and did everything I could to ensure they could thrive there.

Your comment that your DS doesn’t like children who are disruptive is telling. Do you think other chilsren do like this? I’d you think private schools mean no bullying and no disruptive or disruptive behaviour? It seems ot me that you e build up private as some kind of miricles unicorn solution for your DS. I’m not sure the reality will meet your expectations.

If you were telling his state teacher that you are sending him private secondary did you expect her to be negative about that choice or offer a “that sounds good he’ll enjoy the smaller class sizes” generic comment that she gave? She can’t recommend a private education!

Did the grandparents realise they’d have to match this offer for all of their grandchildren thus reduce the offer, or is your son their only grandchild?

i think relying on anyone for this level of commitment is very foolish. Circumstances can change overnight and you are risking your child’s education. Did you not factor in that very huge risk?

What do you think happens to the academically bright ASD kids who struggle socially from average and poor backgrounds? Their parents seek the best state school locally and they have to manage as best they can. It looks like you will have to do the same, though I don’t blame you for feeling aggrieved at the GPs.

No, it seems like rather than challenge that behaviour, they’ve decided to ignore it and send him to a school they now cannot afford.

My oldest is autistic, and very set on rules. Know what a good rule is? Don’t tell off other kids in class. I taught my son from very early, as soon as these behaviours became clear, that the rule is that we cannot control what other people do and can only manage what we do ourselves. He is also very academic and ahead. He’s doing great in normal school. Because I didn’t get fixated on the idea that he couldn’t ever learn to manage and decide on private early on. OP made this decision early, and didn’t work to help him manage in the world he is actually in.

You haven't said if you work? If you don't then maybe this is a way of raising that extra money.

You did say you might home school which maybe indicates you don't.

So is he currently in a small class with no disruptive children?

State schools are used to dealing with ND children who are very academic. Your child is not the only one.

A larger number of students actually makes it more likely that your child will find likeminded peers socially. Private school is not necessarily the magic bullet that you seem to think it is.

Say that you don’t understand neurodivergence without saying that you don’t understand neurodivergence.

My DD would have benefited from a private school, but I couldnt afford it, and neither can you, or grandparents. Cost of living hitting everyone hard. Maybe a second job for the parents if they won’t give a bursary, or tightening of belts.

I'm afraid you should have appealed. How long ago was this and was it refuse to assess or refuse to issue?

I do understand how you feel as I was in two minds when my AuDHD DC was in year 4 or thereabouts about whether to seek an EHCP or whether to keep it on the down low and look for a small private secondary.

But do you realise that the T&C of private schools generally require full disclosure of SEND needs or they can withdraw the place?

You are in a tricky position now but if you do want advice on your EHCP options at this stage, I will post a link to the support thread.

Have you any schools locally that prepare for common entrance at 13 and therefore go to year 8? That could buy some time.

Have you done a proper search of state schools in a feasible travel radius? Have you visited any?

Unless they give it all to you upfront, it's never a good idea to rely on promises of money. I wouldn't start him at the school unless you know for sure that you can meet the fees without external financial help.

You say you could home educate but that would mean giving up your wage. Would you be able to manage financially?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I have a friend who works in a private school and she has told me previously that there are only a small percentage of children/ parents who pay the full fee.
Definitely ask and explain that your circumstances have changed - you have nothing at all to lose at this point.

I have an autistic child with the exact issue yours has. But I dealt with it. I didn’t fixate on private school that I couldn’t afford.

There are methods for you, there are ways to help, and there are schools and teachers who are well versed in handling it. But you haven’t looked at any of it.

I think you have to look at this . Private schools may be your choice ,and fits your definition of how life should work but he will be just fine in a school with good senco support and as you have the funds maybe you could support this with lots of extra curriculum activities. Have you looked at local schools?

I expect the grandparents really did want to help but then got cold feet, especially if they are retired, after thinking about it some more and realising they might need that money for care etc. do you work? As you mentioned homeschooling. If not, could you?

I worked at a Prep School. Please speak to the Bursar and see what options are available to you. Explain just as you have done here. You may be pleasantly surprised.

They have done you a favour in the long run. Imagine if he was in the school, settled etc and they dropped this bomb on you.

If you can still appeal the EHCP decision, do that. If he can get an EHCP then you may be able to find a smaller state school which suits his needs.