AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

Even if I had support from grandparents, I’d have been asking about financial support from the school - surely folk do that as a matter of course. It’s not cheeky, it’s what the bursary system is there for.

@MimiGC chilfren with these needs from poorer backgrounds are statistically likely to get no support...fall out of school and do very poorly generally .

I have an autistic child and run a support group gor autistic families and sadly see the many many kids who get lost in the mainstream system

It truly is a scandal of national proportions and to suggest that poorer or less well off families just manage fine is sadly so far from the truth its painful

So they were going to pay more than half then? £6k is 1/3 or 33% of £18k, £13k is 72% of £18k.
If they’re paying 1/3 and you’re paying 2/3, that means you’re paying £12k

You still haven't said whether you work or not. That makes a huge difference.

Do you have other children?

What a bitchy and ignorant post, sounds like you have no understanding of ASD or fail to realise ASD presents in many different ways. Go you telling a parent of a child with special needs that they just need how to learn to cope in the real world. Such profound advice, why wasn’t it thought of before now.

Yup. I don’t understand asking for £13k a year from people on a fixed income and not even bothering to look into all funding help available to get that bill down.

It’s just another sign that this is maybe more about feeling entitled to it rather than actually needing the private school, especially as they’ve been going on about it for years and have never looked at anything else.

Does he have another set of grandparents who can help?

Can you make sacrifices in other areas? Move to a cheaper house? If you have a mortgage, extend the term for a few years?

I am the parent of a SEN child. He did need to learn to cope in the real world because the real world isn’t very forgiving.

Some kids will never ever be able to function, and all the available support should be given to them. But other kids really can learn to function, and flourish. But only if you actually try.

OP doesn’t seem to have considered anything other than private school when it came to educating. She didn’t even appeal the assessments at school because someone else said they’d pay for school… so her kid hasn’t actually had the support that many schools are really great at providing. My kid had that support, and he has flourished. With the same issues the OP had outlined.

I think you are being unreasonable here as nothing you have said so far indicates you have thoroughly explored all your options, worked out a full budget with the grandparents and secured financing to a level of confidence that meant you should pay a deposit and tell your child that's where they are off to in September. You always knew things were going to be tight but your posts sound like you have never worked it out in detail.

£2-3k for uniform, trips and lunches is completely unnecessary. Trips are optional and those which aren't are usually included in the fees. Lunches can be brought from home but you'll be making/ paying for lunches wherever he goes.
There isn't a Year 7 in private school that doesn't turn up in a blazer that's 3 sizes too big for them and with a healthy second hand school shop. Especially for boys as they outgrow stuff so fast. Yes there will be parents that never darken the door of it but there's always a cohort on the look out for a bargain even when they can afford brand new.

The time for bursary applications was when apply for the school. You can certainly go back now and say that financial circumstances have changed and is there any leeway at all. You will need to present your finances with a fine tooth comb as part of this process so you might as well get cracking. If you have entered into a contract through the deposit you also need to give notice in writing during the Easter Holidays or you WILL be held to a terms notice and the fees.

If you have no teaching experience then Home Education sounds frankly bonkers especially for a super bright child without sufficient SEN to need an EHCP.

You need to reach out to all your local schools and submit late applications. Frankly you should have applied to all as back up in any case given the state of the economy and the tightness of the financial position. Start visiting them quickly and meet with the SENCO if you can to discuss your concerns and how they look after more vulnerable children.

Tutoring is an option - then perhaps a scholarship or bursary application for Year 9. Then you only have 3 years to cover to get through GCSE's. Even in private school kids are leaving in droves for A levels. Classes are more focussed, the kids that are in class want to be there and there is less disruption.

Social skills can be taught. If anything it's often easier to impress the rules upon a SEN child [which I have] that it is not their place to tell off disruptive kids in class and trust me he'd equally get a shove from a private school kid for that.

I recognise that you are disappointed but it does sound like a lot of this is a problem of your own making.

Personally I dont agree with private education on a general level. But I think unless you have a child who will clearly suffer at mainstream you should never judge.

I have two children one can cope in the jungle thst is a large mainstream...one desperately wanted to cope so she could go with her friends...and has been left scarred for life by how unable she was to cope.

I do not judge anybody who tries to avoid this trauma. Our school has a large sen team they still cannot bend the reality of busy corridors...too many children...not nigh staff and total overwhelm

You would not believe how traumatic it is for some children unless you have seen it from your own child's point of view.

Btw. Op you are really wasting time if you aren't confident enough yo ask for a bursary
Many other parents will.be doing it.

Did you apply for / accept a place in a state secondary for September? Are you and DH both working / maximising your income and in a position to face financial scrutiny if applying for a means tested bursary, e.g. not living in a larger house than you need, running an expensive car, having expensive holidays etc.

If he’s a target for bullying through his behaviour towards other students then that will be the same in both private and state schools.
I’ve taught in all sorts of schools. The worst bullying by far (by far) was in a well known private school. Yes the classes were on the smaller side (but still 24 in a year 9 or gcse class - a lot of state schools have classes of that size when you get to gcse) but some of the students were vile because the school wasn't well run and they were allowed to get away with it.
private schools aren’t amazing havens of good behaviour and tolerance.
find the best state school you can and support him.

I agree with others that the bullying social problems may not be any better at private.

In fact I suspect state schools may be more generally tolerant environments as children are exposed to a far wider range of peers.

Your not asking for a discount your asking for help with your child education there’s a difference believe me you would be surprised how many kids there are in those schools who are there on a bursary or a full scholarship. This is why they offer them to make a bit easier on parents. Speak to the school there will be something they can do to help but you wont know until you ask.

Neighbours had similar issues and used Kings inter high. Online school so nowhere near as pricey. She's off to Oxford so suited her very well.

That's disappointing. Talk to the school, explain what's happened and see if there's any help available.

Totally understandably your head is spinning. Have you missed the deadline to apply for a state secondary school place? I know you don’t want to go that route but have you missed the deadline?

Have you factored in the year on year rises in fees? My children don’t go to private school, but my understanding is that the price for year 7 would be entirely different to the price for year 11. Given that your sons grandparents have already renaged on the deal I would totally expect them to let you down further as time goes on and I wouldn’t want to be relying on them at all. Hence why I wouldn’t press ahead.

if you haven’t missed the deadline for a state secondary school place I would be looking around the different schools and seeing what their provisions are for SEN children. I know your son doesn’t have an EHCP but there are definitely schools that are more pastoral and have more leanings to be able to facilitate a child who is more sensory. If you do go the home schooling route there will be local groups who will help you with curriculum and meet ups.

Well yes of course they've missed the deadline. It was October 31st!

Might not be suitable for mainstream state but what about mainstream special school? Have you looked at all the options available near you? Surely you can find somewhere decent without going private. It is what I might have to do. No chance of private here.

I would reopen the EHCP debate. It sounds as though you were too amenable to the outcome when LA’s chance their arm and refuse most support first time, as part of the “game”.

DS9 is also very bright, autistic and has ADHD. He could not even cope with the number of kids in his small village primary school. He now attends a specialist school for autistic children with no LD’s. It is “independent” (run by a charity) and there are only 5 children in his class. It’s funded by the LA and named in his EHCP.

Specialist schools for able autistic children are rare as hens teeth but they do exist. This is the route I would explore in your shoes.

Depends what you’re asking, YANBU to be disappointed but it’s far better for them to say now that they can’t afford it rather than once DS had started.

They should have looked more carefully at whether or not it was affordable for them before making the offer I grant you.

Wow! Look at that. Someone being rude on here. How surprising!

The kids round here start private school in year 6, so it’s not always the case that it’s too late for a child to be able to go to a state secondary on time.

To clarify:

I have explored local state secondaries and spoken to many parents. I did all of this when DS was in Year 5. The vast majority describe the SEND provision as poor and many have had to remove their DC. The nearest school to us actually has a reputation for forcing parents to withdraw their DC by telling the parents that they cannot support them and don’t think the school is the correct fit for their child.

I think you’ve got fixated on private schooling being the answer to all your sons needs and so haven’t considered it may not be an option. Not challenging the EXHP was a mistake if you really think he can’t be supported in mainstream schooling.

The reality is there are no perfect school settings for kids with additional needs, the system isn’t set up to support every individual the way they would prefer. You’re now in a tricky position because getting an assessment and plan in place will take more time than you have available to you - because you put all your eggs in one basket. I don’t blame you not wanting to engage in the stress of trying to find appropriate schooling, but I also can’t blame grandparents not being able to take on substantial year on year costs for private schooling.

What a pair of bastards they are, they wanted to score points, see themselves as lord and lady bountiful but when it came down to it they don't want to actually give you all the money that they promised.
I would bite my tongue and not say anything to them but I would never ever trust them again.