AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

You do know that plenty of bright SEN students go to state school and do absolutely fine? Not all state schools are terrible and not all private schools are wonderful beacons of pastoral care. (Trust me, I know.)

also I’m afraid you can’t afford private school.

I do not see the point in paying for Tutors and doing state school because that is not the support DS needs. He is ahead academically, in his recent mocks he scored ‘Greater Depth’ in everything. He needs help socially and small classrooms with teachers that know him. He does not like disruptive children and will tell them off, he’s very much a target for bullying. He’s very studious and a ‘nerd’ in old school language. So a big state school and tutors would not be helpful and would not target his needs.

He was rejected for an EHCP as he did not meet the threshold and I didn’t pursue it as, by that stage, the grandparents had agreed to half the fees and the private school was very supportive of his needs and him as an individual without requiring an EHCP.

From my understanding of your calculations they have gone from 13k to 6K a year, leaving you 7k short.

Personally, I would approach the school first, and also beg Grandparents for a little more, even an extra 1-2K a year and then cover the rest ourselves. If you can get an extra 1-2k it's then 5-6K extra a year.
You've said choices are between homeschooling and this school so I would be very much trying to come up with the extra 5-6 k a year.
Also a 2-3k buffer amount is not needed at the moment for uniform and trips. Schools have second hand uniform (can get everything including several PE/Games clothes for under £100 a year. No need for trips or choose only one, and these can be paid over several months usually. Lunches can be sent from home, but also can be taken in school - fees for these are expensive and will come to about 1-1.8k a year if not included in the fees.
Any chance of budgeting further at home?

You can’t afford it OP, it’s as simple as that. So unless you can increase your income (do you work?) you need to be looking at local state schools. I don’t think it’s fair that people have told you he won’t cope in mainstream. Lots of kids with ASD have no choice but to attend mainstream. My own ASD child flourished in a large state school, he found his people in the chess and science club they had at lunchtime. Thankfully being in such a large school meant he had more of a choice of peers. His form group was purposely full of people similar to him and the ALN team were very supportive.

I would be livid at grandparents

My independent school has bursary support available for just this purpose. It is means tested - but open to all those with a place at the school.

My grandparents did that to me after 2 years and my parents got a bursary from the school, but I was already a student there so might have been more of an argument.

The expensive public schools maybe but I can assure you that most of the parents of kids at private schools costing £20-30k a year are most definitely paying it from salaries.

Given they have halved what they are asking for do you think they believe the other grandparents should also be contributing?

Do the grandparents have any other grandchildren or prospects of any? If they do, they ought to match the offer with each GC. That could be why they are limiting it.

I think you need to increase your income. Can you get a second job, or increase your hours? Private schools tend to have good wraparound options so that shouldn't be an issue. Assuming you don't already work full time.

Perhaps somebody warned them of the need to budget for large increases - which if they are on a pretty much fixed income could be problematic.

Is he the only grandchild?
Does he have an EHCP?
Do you work?

I find, in general, that when the state school is the only option most people find it's not so bad.

I would certainly be finding a state school place for September. You don't necessarily have to take it up. But it will at least offer a back up choice.

How early in his life did you decide that he absolutely needed private school?

It just doesn’t sound as though any official assessments have come to this decision. It sounds like you decided it a long time ago, and have never actually looked into anything else. It’s also pretty poor of you that you didn’t look into all the bursaries you could to cover some of the cost, because you expected grandparents to cover it. You should have done all you could to get the bill down and just asked them for the shortfall.

If you tell teachers that you’re sending him to private school, they’ll nod along and agree and say how much better he will do. But they will never say he needs private school, because there are many school who can manage SEN kids and not a lot of parents can afford private. It really sounds like you made this decision years ago without actually looking into anything else, and no assessment has said he actually needs this.

You can’t afford it.

Oh bloody hell. Tbh I always feel deeply uncomfortable when a private education finance plan is conditional on anyone other than the parents. You are counting on a lot of things that way.

But the timing is really idiotic - frankly of all of you. I remember my mum offering to pay ds’s fees at a private day school near us, and I was excited for about 48 hours, and then I googled a bit, and went back to her and pointed out that over 7 years we were talking about an absolute minimum of £600k, and did she have that? No, she didn’t. She had about £15k really, which I’m not dissing, but in her mind that was about enough, which it might have been in 1970.

Presumably your son has heard by osmosis for years that he will ‘never cope’ in state school - that needs to turn around pronto in terms of a focus on all his strengths. I’m not denying that I’ve seen some real car crashes for neurodivergent children in state schools but I’ve seen some big successes too. I’m not an expert but i do hope you have got an EHCP and a good local support/info network of other parents. I agree that home education may be a good starting point though.

What does your sons ECHP say in terms of his needs for secondary school? Is there anything the local authority can do to support this private school arrangement?

I do think both parties are unreasonable tbh - the GPs should have done a thorough assessment of their finances before offering, but you should unfortunately be in a position to provide the buffer, as cost of living, reduction in pension, the cost of a large house expense could have reduced what GPs could pay anyway. It’s a huge financial commitment for a number of years.

The only thing you can do is talk to the school, talk to the local authority and as a back up perhaps have initial
conversations with others that home school to see how feasible it all
is?

Pitiful show from the grandparents

Have you looked into LEA funding a specialist school if he has an ECHP? You might need to pay a years worth of fees whilst it goes through if you don’t start the process soon.

I would ask about bursaries, they can only say no. Find out what your state options are. Also, look into online schools. There are some excellent ones and they are not as expensive as private schools. You still have options.

The GPs really shouldn't have offered if they weren't certain they could do it but better to find out now before he's started and settled there.

Rejected for EHCP? What did the needs assessment say? What provision was put in place for him? This provision should still continue into Year 7. How come he can cope now but you think he won’t at secondary?
i am a teacher and there are many many children like this at state schools. They have a safe place to go at break and lunch and 1:1 support with their social skills.
I think you’ve got fixated on the private school without even looking at the offering nearby.
Also, a private school might easily be able to say they can’t meet his needs and chuck him out. You would then be in exactly the same position!

My autistic child didn't cope in mainstream and trying to get EHCP was a nightmare.
We home Ed

With 13k a year you could find a home Ed package that is tailored to your son

Outside and home edgroups for socialisation, a tutor for the academic subjects. If he academic he could even take GCSEs early.

Private is not an option for us at all but if we could afford it I would still be tempted to utilize the money for a completly tailored education which would also cost far far less

I have a child with an ehcp so I know there simply aren't enough small or specialist schools. However it is worth knowing what is available locally

My child was left completely traumatised.after only a term in our large mainstream.secondary...despite having an echp

If you have found a school that you think is right then personally I would literally sell my house to make it work

Many many autistic children end up out of school completely for this reason

Does he have a statement or IDP? Could it be something the LA can fund or part fund?

Can either you or DH do anything to increase your income? I would want to know I could afford everything alone factoring in extras and yearly increases before even considering private.

If you want your son to go private then you'll have to make sacrifices. My parents chose this route for me, and made many cut backs to our lifestyle, even with my bursary.

I opted for state school with my nerdy kids, (though we could have afforded private) and it has been fine. They are setted for all subjects, have decent SEN support and pretty much no interaction with disruptive children.

Some of that sounds like he needs to be parented and taught boundaries and appropriate behaviour. Doesn’t sound like it’s all SEN and he can’t cope.

You’ve just got fixated on private school and how he can’t cope when… he maybe needs to just learn what’s appropriate in the real
world. Obviously he didn’t meet the threshold when assessed, and he doesn’t actually need to go to a private school which you cannot afford.

I was thinking this, what does she think other parents that can’t afford private or home education do?! Yes, lots may struggle but also many go to very good, supportive state schools, in fact state schools usually have a lot more experience and access to resources.