AIBU, Grandparents reduced Private School Fees Support at the Last Minute.

[LighthouseDreamz]

DS has ASD and ADHD, he is very academic. Between our family, we have discussed for many years that DS will need to attend a private secondary school, as he needs small classes and a school with good pastoral care and that is nurturing. His current class teacher agrees that he will thrive in a small environment and is unlikely to cope in a huge secondary school. Very kindly, DS’s grandparents offered to pay half of the fees, meaning myself and DH can just about afford the other half. They understood this to be approximately £13k a year.

DS has gone for the trial day and 11+ and been offered a place at the school. We’ve paid the £600 deposit as well as the fees for the exam and interview (£200). He was very excited to attend the school.

Yesterday, DS’s grandparents called and said that actually, having gone through their finances, they can only afford a third of the fees. This means that DH and I would be looking at covering £20k between us, which we just can’t afford.

Do I have a chance of getting the deposit back? Is it likely the school will be able to offer any sort of financial assistance or bursary or compassionate support?

My other option is to home educate DS but I literally know nothing about this area.

You cannot afford private school.

Do the grandparents actually know how financially this is now unaffordable for you? It may be they have reduced their contribution thinking that you and DH 'should' pay more, not realising you literally can't.

That’s what bursaries are for and I suggest you do not include the promise of fees from GP so these are not taken into consideration, in your application usually you need to provide at least a years worth of bank statements and all financials and cars/ house etc that you own. If the school come back and say they will give a 50% bursary that’s doable.

£6K is not a third of £26K.

Costs will only go up and it doesn't sounds like you can guarantee the funds for the next 5 years.

I would have thought bursaries were already allocated, but guess there is no harm in asking.

I would focus on looking at state schools. They will be well used to dealing with children like yours and you may be pleasantly surprised.

You can’t take the risk of relying on this for the next 7 years!

Don't know if anyone has said, but if he is has ehcp, can you not apply to local authority to fund the place - if its the only place that can meet his needs?

Yeah. I took it that GPs assumed total was £13k. Why didn't OP tell them it wasn't, that it was more?

Unforgivable behaviour from the grandparents

Your numbers are absolutely allover the place OP. It makes it hard to track what's going on when it doesn't make any sense.

Because it’s not more - they offered to pay half the fees and we factored in our half + extras. Now they are offering just under a third which won’t cover one term.

To be honest, we always worked on the theory that if you needed to pay private school fees out of earned income, you can’t afford it
Most people are covering it with compounded interest from savings account accounts that started when the children were embryos

Grandparents contribution: 13k
Our contribution: £13k

= Fees covered

• £2k - £3k for extras like uniform, lunches, trips.

GP = £13k Us = £16k

NEW SITUATION

GP = £6k
Us = £20k + extras. Total approx £23k.

It was a bit misleading to say in the OP that they’d now be covering a third of the fees so. That’s less than a quarter.

I do hope it works out for you. Contact the school as a first step.

Its less than a quarter. You also at one point mentioned the fees having gone up by 20% due to vat.

Ok, thank you. Yeah they shouldn't have done that. You shouldn't promise things then renegue on them. I hope you can speak to the bursar and he can still go.

Yes, sorry you are correct. I was thinking about their contribution being a bit less than a terms fees, hence the 1/3 figure. I am a bit all over the place because of this.

Op Id seriously look at sending to a local school and then getting a tutor or whatever additional support needed. It's better to start at a local school than start at a private school and then have to change halfway through.

Also it's a massive commitment that you are asking grandparents for for the next 6 years potentially, and if money is tight with an uncertain cost of living with Russia and Iran etc. I can see why they have reduced the amount they say they can afford.. they may want a buffer.

It really is poor show for the grandparents to mess you about like this.

So they are now covering less than a quarter of the fees. That's a big difference.

Honestly I think if you had to rely on them in the first place, then it isn't affordable.

I'd find out about the bursaries ASAP (and anything extra the GPs give can go toward the trips etc). I'd also look at other private schools or what help public schools can offer.

You need to cover all basis... and quickly.

How did it come around that they offered in the first place? You say you’ve been talking to family for years about him needing private school (which you couldn’t afford) so… was it sort of assumed they would pay and they felt pressured? They still shouldn’t have done this; they should have said no from the start. But did you maybe consider it “family duty” that they pay during all the talk about it, so they never felt like they could say no until it got to the point where they actually don’t have the money to hand over?

What does his EHCP say? What other options did you have? There are schools who can handle this, and sometimes the local authority will pay for independent schools if that’s all that is suitable. So how did that process all go? Or is this just something you’ve decided and teachers have nodded along with, rather than any actual assessment saying he need this.

Of course it’s more than annoying that this has happened and I’d look for a discussion with the school about the options available to you.

I would like to think that the grandparents offered to help because they want the best for your son OP. It’s been pointed out though, that the current state of the world has resulted in increases in everything and added to the already difficult cost of living situation, they may have realised that their income, especially if it’s a fixed income, just won’t cope with what they had originally intended.

It’s unaffordable for you, but it’s also now unaffordable for them and I bet they feel bad about it too. No one can blame you for wanting what you believe to be the best school for your child, but your thinking was quite short term, bearing in mind that the fees will increase over time and you really need to be confident at the outset, that you can meet the fees for several years.

Does your son have an EHCP, or a needs assessment? That would give you more options for a smaller state school.

You haven’t answered any of the questions about whether you work.

I think it sounds like you guilt tripped the grandparents into it and now they have realised they can’t.

What research have you done into SEN provision in local schools? What does your child’s ECHP say?

Honestly you need to be realistic about this and realise that this is not the grandparents problem, most people can’t afford private for their child with SEN so work with the parameters they have. You have got yourself worked up about private school without actually sitting down and doing a budget plan with them so realistically this was not an option for you.

Not great I agree, but unforgivable? Pretty kind of them to offer so much money for the next seven years ,even if they have had to reduce it.
OP could use that money for tutors or some kind of support for her son but not if she goes down the path of not forgiving them.

Maybe they could pay you back the deposit?

it may be a good thing overall. You can’t afford this.

If you still want to make it work: Is there anything else you can do? Downsize, work longer hours or seek promotion? Reduce value/cost of vehicles, cut back other spending?

It’s a shame about GPs but at least they are still offering decent contribution. Do they have any other grandchildren?

View it as you need to find a way to release £23k pa (allow for increases each year otherwise you’ll be in worse position of having to pull DS out later).