To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

[Pteradon]

DH has been in a lot of pain for months now. It seems to be sciatica around his legs / hip / back. He’s had an MRI which hasn’t pointed to anything.

I don’t doubt his pain is genuine. But the day starts with him complaining about what a terrible nights sleep he has had. He then returns in the evening and it’s just peppered with wincing, sucking air between his teeth and little noises communicating pain.

So here is the rub: ten years ago I had a disc prolapse and as anyone who has experienced this knows it’s absolute agony. It did eventually heal but stayed problematic for years afterwards. I went through two pregnancies, two C sections and really have just had to get the fuck on with it all because as we know babies and toddlers don’t respond to ‘I’m in too much pain to look after you.’

So honestly I am finding it hard to be particularly sympathetic. And (this is horrible but) the whole thing is just starting to get on my nerves now. I’m fed up of wincing and moaning and complaining.

I know - I am horrible. But is is beyond depressing. I’m dreading the Easter weekend.

Oh I get you. I am a suffer in silence kind a girl. My husband has do a running commentary on his aliments. The noises 🙈🙈🙈
I can offer no advice only sympathy

Is he doing anything to help himself - physio, pain killers, etc.

He sees a chiropractor on a weekly basis and he has a variety of drugs. I have to admit I never found any pain relief really helped when mine was bad though and while the chiropractor helps it isn’t a cure; it helps relieve the symptoms for a bit though.

I do feel rotten as I’m sympathetic but when he’s sucking air or exclaiming in pain I just don’t know what to say. Feels heartless to ignore him but equally anything I can say feels trite.

Physio is much better than chiroprac and has more evidence behind it. Exercises and stretching are also good.

Well, he saw a physio, it wasn’t very helpful but then when I had my disc prolapse nothing was really, it was literally just waiting for it to get better. And that is hard and I know it’s he’s to you in all sorts of ways, never being out of pain. But it’s massively affecting me too. Last night he stayed over at a hotel because he was so tired and I don’t begrudge him that but I definitely had no hotel stays in my pain!

How old are the dc? Is he getting to check out of childcare? Curious as to how a hotel room is better for his pain?..

Have you tried saying ‘think how lucky you are? When I had a disc prolapse and hideous back pain for years I was pregnant and looking after babies and toddlers and I don’t recall your taking as much load as possible off me or being particularly caring so I’m finding your very vocal pain quite difficult to listen to.

@PoppinjayPolly his office is a good two hours away so he stayed over because of the commute really. Which is fine and actually gave me an evening off his complaining! (God I sound awful …) but yeah … that did not happen to me!

Children are five and two so still a lot of work. But he doesn’t get back at a useful time and leaves before they are up so makes no real difference in that sense.

My dad is like this. If he’s in pain, EVERYONE must hear about it and witness it. I’ve had slipped discs, kidney infections, broken limbs etc and not made a sound and just carried on with work and a yard of horses.
I think it might be a man thing 😂

We all deal with pain differently. Perhaps you just need to sit down with him and have a frank conversation about how hard you’re finding it coping with the way he deals with pain and the impact it’s having on the family. It’s not a competition.

This is the problem as while it’s true it’s so harsh when it’s laid out like that! Maybe I am still very resentful and didn’t even realise.

He needs to do physio everyday, lose weight and get some fitness - gym work of some sort. Chiropractors ime are a waste of time. If the mri hasn't pinpointed the issue, chances are it'll be relieved by the above.
As for the moaning, if he isn't sorting himself out I'd be saying I don't want to hear it.

Well a chiropractor won't be helping! Both of you need physio and then regular stretches/yoga/pilates for maintenance.

You do sound very resentful.

I don’t need physio. Mine is OK now.

You say the chiropractor won’t be helping but it’s actually the only thing that has helped. All injuries and pain are different. But I’m not interested in being ordered around on my husbands behalf, to be honest. I know that sounds very abrupt and caustic but it’s beyond irritating when people say things triumphantly like ‘well THAT won’t be helping!’ when it is.

And ofc it means he has a get out of jail free card for a couple of hours every Saturday afternoon!

I wonder if it's the moaning or the lack of doing anything constructive about it, that's possibly irritating you more? Like you I had a period of chronic pain from hip issues. It sucked but I did physio, saw a mobility specialist, went to the gym and started pilates. Two years later I'm mostly pain free but it was / still is a lot of maintenance work. With two young children you want a partner who is active and mobile and ready to go not someone who moans and whimpers every time they get up out of a chair. Maybe give him a bit of a kick up the ass to get it sorted before it's too late?

I probably am. He has never really been sympathetic to any pain or discomfort from me. I think because I’ve always been conscious that other people’s aches and pains are just dull as hell but I probably could have done with being a bit more vocal about how much I was struggling at times. But I’ve still had to care for children, including a very energetic toddler in heavy pregnancy which is awful … I saw a heavily pregnant woman at a soft play with a toddler a few weeks ago and just thought ‘thank Christ I do not have to do that again!’ 😅

Yehhh same here. Husband constantly has pain. Won’t stop going to gym. Won’t accept that his body is just getting older. Spends hours looking up/trying stretches/supplements and making ‘pain’ noises. I know I’m generalising and stereotyping but I’m going to say it anyway - woman suffer a lot of natural pain (periods/pregnancy/child birth) and learn it’s part of life. Men think any pain should be instantly curable.

I'm imagining myself in your situation being annoyingly over-solicitous. Every time he moans saying "oh dear, perhaps you ought to do some stretches". "Do you need to go for a walk?" "Should you sit in the other chair, is it better for your back?" And just really making him.aware he is intruding in your headspace by being as intrusive back...

My dh has a chronic condition that is intermittently quite painful and he does gasp involuntarily sometimes (he doesn't always know I can hear) . But he doesn't do performative noises.

I'd also be very tempted to put noise cancelling headphones on and listen to a podcast (while slyly observing if he bothers with the moaning and groaning if he doesn't think you can hear)

His commute isn't helping is it? Sitting puts c200% more strain through the back.

Has he tried other therapies like reflexology or acupuncture? If I was in pain I'd be trying lots of alternative approaches where standard medicine doesn't help. Even a deep massage whilst painful, may be helpful. He needs to ask chat gpt to provide some ideas.

I do agree BTW, in Broad terms men are so much less able to deal with I'll health than women esp pain. That doesn't mean he isn't in pain it is just that we crack on. This is one of the reasons healthcare discriminate against women and is typically poorer than that given to a man and women's health is poorly researched/understood.

Thanks. I don’t doubt the pain is genuine, it is just so tedious constantly hearing about it. I’m struggling to think of a conversation we’ve had that’s not about pain!

I think ignoring it may be making the problem worse. When people make performative noises about pain it's because they are seeking sympathy. So if you withhold sympathy his pain noises will increase as he tries harder and harder to elicit your sympathy. Can you bring yourself to make a bit of a fuss of him next time he does it? It only has to be a few seconds of 'oh you poor thing you sound in pain'. You may find that if you respond with sympathy each time he complains that he starts to complain less. Counterintuitive I know but worth a shot in my view.

@Pteradon I wonder if he needs to see another physio. DD1 has a lot of pain in her hips and back. The junior physio decided she couldn't help her because everything she tries hurts too much. The senior physio has seen her and said that basically, she's been in so much pain for so long that her brain has decided it really needs to protect her back, so it's guarded all the muscles really tightly. At the same time, it's switched off her tummy muscles so her back muscles have become really stiff and tight.

She's asked me to get an exercise ball and DD1 will just do some rocking exercises at first. The aim is just to loosen up the muscles a bit so that the physio is less painful.

I wonder if the same could be true for your DH, especially if he's spending 4 hours per day travelling?

If it's sciatica, is one of his medications Amitriptyline? I had sciatica in my right buttock end of last year and have to admit the pain was bad. There was no way I could get comfortable sitting or lying down. It was my physio (had recently had knee replacement) who enlightened me that pain killers were useless for sciatica (true) and that I should ask GP for a nerve blocker. Within a few days of starting this drug I could barely feel it, and they help you sleep too.

I sympathise with both you and your DH.