To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

[Pteradon]

DH has been in a lot of pain for months now. It seems to be sciatica around his legs / hip / back. He’s had an MRI which hasn’t pointed to anything.

I don’t doubt his pain is genuine. But the day starts with him complaining about what a terrible nights sleep he has had. He then returns in the evening and it’s just peppered with wincing, sucking air between his teeth and little noises communicating pain.

So here is the rub: ten years ago I had a disc prolapse and as anyone who has experienced this knows it’s absolute agony. It did eventually heal but stayed problematic for years afterwards. I went through two pregnancies, two C sections and really have just had to get the fuck on with it all because as we know babies and toddlers don’t respond to ‘I’m in too much pain to look after you.’

So honestly I am finding it hard to be particularly sympathetic. And (this is horrible but) the whole thing is just starting to get on my nerves now. I’m fed up of wincing and moaning and complaining.

I know - I am horrible. But is is beyond depressing. I’m dreading the Easter weekend.

I’m sorry about your aunt. Hopefully the MRI DH had has ruled anything sinister out. Ultimately though sympathy or otherwise would make little difference to that outcome. I’m not doubting his pain is genuine, but constantly hearing about it is affecting me and I do have the right to express this anonymously.

Not together, alone, no. He has become very good about playing with them in the garden and keeping them entertained out there. They don’t tend to behave very well for DH so I don’t think he feels particularly confident with them both in case one hares off or has a tantrum and then dealing with the other is a struggle.

I sympathise with you. You have a lot on your plate and on top of that have to be an emotional donor to your husband. Tell him that you find constant complaints about pain sexually off putting. I guarantee it will immediately stop.

I get it op- I’ve been living this life on and off for last few years! (Also a back issue) although my dh does do all he can and works hard at getting better, he is also very vocal when in pain. I actually think I have an element of PTSD as now whenever he has a flare up or is in pain it really affects my mental health. It literally takes over family life. I find I tend to shut off from him and become resentful and unsympathetic (which is not ideal but I don’t honestly don’t know how to change that)

If I try to tell him something or talk to him he winces and groans so I don’t feel I can carry on

Just pause and when he's stopped, carry on with what you're saying. I wouldn't say anything about how it's annoying you - that's the kind of thing he'll remember and bring up again later - but I would stop reacting to it and, effectively, step over it and carry on. Like he did with you.

Has he been allowed to develop his own way of caring for them? You won't feel confident otherwise.

Being a tactless sod, I did once say to DH, "Does the groaning actually make you feel any better? Because if it does, carry on, but otherwise it's just making two of us miserable."

In my inadequate defence, it had been every bloody morning for years, across a range of real and possibly imaginary conditions. I was beyond anything more sympathetic than "Mmm" by that point.

When he does eventually heal he needs to work on looking after both kids on his own. I'm sure you weren't born knowing how to do it.

I have a similar situation. Husband has a chronic condition and our lives revolve around it. All he talks about is his pain. He's miserable all the time. It's not his fault but it's ruining both our lives. I can't see any end to it either.

My chiropractor said he couldn't help me any more, neither could the osteopath. I saw a consultant privately who said watching me walk it was my hips not my back. So off to orthopedic surgeon. One x-ray I had a diagnosis. Right hip stage four femoral head collapse.

Gabapentin helped me with the pain.

It literally takes over family life this really resonates. I’m so sorry there are so many of us living the same life though!

It sounds like his pain isn't being managed very well (assuming all the noises aren't performative).
He might need a medical review to manage pain relief better.

I agree with others that you sound resentful, every time you answer a question about your husband you also answer that question about yourself.
You're very much stuck in comparing his pain and difficulties with your pain and difficulties to the point where you probably don't realise you're doing it.

Read back your first few replies and you'll see what I mean.

You might benefit from counselling as you may have post trauma from your experience that needs processing.

I have sciatica on and off, and it helps to move.

I totally understand. Even though you feel horrible it is natural to grow tired and upset and overwhelmed when your partner can’t… partner. My husband has had a neuralgic issue for a year now. He can barely leave the house, can’t cook, can’t empty the dishwasher, I get groaned at for moving too much in bed, he can’t look at screens. He’s having a really shit time of it, but after 7 months I want to scream because I’m so tired of doing everything and constantly hearing about how in pain he is.

It’s not his fault. It’s also not yours. You’re having to bear a burden too and it’s ok to feel annoyed. You do have to try and breathe through it though. Give him some paracetamol.

You're being expected to provide comfort and aid that you never received when you were in need and it hurts/stings every time kind of thing? How were you communicating your needs at that time?

@GlovedhandsCecilia I dont know how to teach you to feel compassionate towards your husband. It just usually comes with the territory.

Compassion comes easily when someone you love has a sudden change for the worse. But compassion day after day after day, when the situation never gets better and your own life is affected, is a completely different thing.

We are both stoic non-complainers here so your husband would drive me up the wall. We support each other but don’t whine and abrogate our responsibilities.

I don’t understand households however where the man can’t look after his kids alone. My husband could look after both our children from day one, so these families blow my mind.

I'm with you, OP, that would drive me insane.
Both DH and I have quite unpleasant physical issues at the moment (I have spinal stenosis which is chronic and he has a severely injured shoulder)
We both have a quick moan then crack on with it, take our meds, joke that if we were horses we've have been shot by now.
Dh has an acute injury on top of an old one (ex cyclist that shattered his shoulder) and he's in severe pain. Can't be operated on without huge risk (needs muscle grafts etc which they think might not take) but doesn't moan. Yelps in his sleep when he moves.
I probably moan more 😆as mine won't get better... but like you, still have to crack on and I'm granny care to a 4 yr old and 13 m old and have an energetic dog to walk too.
We allow each other a quick moan a day :)
Tell him he's allowed to moan once and then needs to get on with it just like you had to!!!!

You sound really resentful and that makes sense. You've got a "partner" that can't cope with caring for his two children alone, because it's not easy. No, it's not easy, and yes disappearing off on a Baggins side mission alone is a lovely luxury that you're presumabely not afforded.

I honestly think that a lot of men feel they interview a few woman for the position of wife, install said wife, bcome a father yay go me, and then settle back in for a lifetime of service from the wife, patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

It's bullshit. I see it everywhere, it's no wonder women are divorcing men at a great rate of knots, because it's the biggest con going unless you've very much got your wits about you from the start.

oh gawd, my OH drives me mad with his ailments and his tiredness, the sighing and sucking in of air does my nut. Yes, I know you're tired/your left bollock aches/your throat is a bit scratchy but man the fook up and get on with it!

Well id say a chiropractor isnt as good as a physio for sciatica as a fellow sufferer. He needs to be stretching at least twice a day and if hes got a decent physio they will manipulate that nerve which is heavenly painful.

I’ve been through what your husband is experiencing and I ended up permanently disabled. I would’ve been so upset if my husband resented me wincing or crying out in pain, which I still do.

You need to find a way to get past your clear resentment. I guess you’ll still find his pain boring, but that’ll be all.

That's chronic illness for you

Do you know if he makes the noises about his pain audible while at work or only when he's at home? I'd be tempted to do what others have suggested and comment sympathetically on it each time.

every time you answer a question about your husband you also answer that question about yourself.

Because it isn’t a thread about DH. It’s about me.