To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

[Pteradon]

DH has been in a lot of pain for months now. It seems to be sciatica around his legs / hip / back. He’s had an MRI which hasn’t pointed to anything.

I don’t doubt his pain is genuine. But the day starts with him complaining about what a terrible nights sleep he has had. He then returns in the evening and it’s just peppered with wincing, sucking air between his teeth and little noises communicating pain.

So here is the rub: ten years ago I had a disc prolapse and as anyone who has experienced this knows it’s absolute agony. It did eventually heal but stayed problematic for years afterwards. I went through two pregnancies, two C sections and really have just had to get the fuck on with it all because as we know babies and toddlers don’t respond to ‘I’m in too much pain to look after you.’

So honestly I am finding it hard to be particularly sympathetic. And (this is horrible but) the whole thing is just starting to get on my nerves now. I’m fed up of wincing and moaning and complaining.

I know - I am horrible. But is is beyond depressing. I’m dreading the Easter weekend.

I think you need to tell him no more sex because it appears to be prolonging his pain. I read your post about him always being up for that without complaining about pain. He may stop moaning then. If that doesn't work as others have said tell him to stop moaning and remind him about how you managed in pain before. Wish you well this weekend

You're making total sense OP, don't let anyone guilt you for venting. So many things have been harder for you and easier for him in the relationship, and it's continuing like that.

How old is he? I wonder if he's over-egging the pain (plausible, re: sex) to lay the groundwork for giving up work?

A friend's dh has done that, I help the family with childcare/housework sometimes, and it pisses me off so much - god knows how my extremely overworked friend doesn't murder him in his sleep. She's probably too knackered.

What is the instrument you play?

Tuba?

Electric violin?

It's at times like these I wish I'd taken up the saxophone.🎶

And this is why I think I'm a bit of a cow.

What I can't judge is how much pain DH is in. I do know that he rarely helps and groans to anyone outside the family.

Hi im wondering that despite the pains is he able to be sexually intimate with you still given that involves physical movement - any winsing from him? Id feel the way you do - especially given the way he has treated you during your ill health - i feel your emotional pain - understandably your carrying resentment - he wasnt supportive to you - f....him - tell him you know hes in pain but it aint labour - - wear headphones so you dont need to hear the moans and groans - avoid him when you can!!! Hes on pain relief - if its not working for him he needs to see your GP. Its not an attractive look for him. Maybe he was pandered too as a child - maybe you had to get on with it when you where unwell - this may play a part too. Good luck

My husband had an awful time with sciatica a year or so ago. Eventually he had acupuncture which sorted it in 3 sessions - worth looking into?

I hear you. I think as woman we are expected to get on with any pain from as early as we start our menstrual cycle - however painful, you are never given much sympathy. It continues into adulthood with childbirth. I had a very difficult first pregnancy (awful pelvic pain) and a very long painful birth (baby born back to back) with no pain relief. Had back problems since. Just expected to get on with it really. I’m naturally quite determined and independent so I push through pain and illness. My husband on the other hand, will let everyone know when he is unwell and huffs and puffs too. I swear he makes the noises for attention 🤦‍♀️ If we had the same illness, I would be expected to get on with the cooking, cleaning and running after the kids but he’d be bed ridden and too unwell to lift a finger. It’s maddening.

How are you reading OP's posts and accusing her of lacking compassion??

Absolutely this !!!! I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut and would respond to every wince and sucking in of air and moaning about his pain with something along the lines of this until he shut up . If didn't shut up and get the hint after some time id leave him. Why is he staying in a hotel? This is giving me the start of the "script " . You don't look after him have sympathy so he'll keep putting onto you until the relationship can't be saved then its your fault op

Chiropractor is a specialist working with bones, so to speak. Your dh’s problem is inflammation of the nerves. He needs good sports’ masseuse, who works with muscles.
Also, diclofenac pessaries. Oral diclofenac, paracetamol, ibuprofen doesn’t touch the pain. It is excruciating pain- as if you are being burned from the inside.
Cupping will help, too. Buy cheap set of suction cups and try it at home. There are videos to watch on YouTube how to do it.
As how to start feeling sorry for him- I have no advice.
All I know is I wouldn’t have been able to go through 2 pregnancies (or have sex!) when suffering from sciatica. The pain is unbearable and comparable to a childbirth.

I’m a bit like your DH with back pain (I’m not in pain now). I try not to be and I know it doesn’t help me and definitely doesn’t help the people around me.

To me (and I hate saying this as it sounds pathetic) but I hate being held back from doing things and it feels like if I say nothing, no one knows and it only exists to me.

I don’t want him to focus more on the pain but what about a symptom tracker app to “monitor what helps”. Direct him to this and if sore ask if he wants some distraction instead of talking about the pain, I would find cooking together quite good as kind of pottering/ lean on counter/ sit if needed and listen to music etc. When I type this I know it probably sounds ridiculous to suggest cooking, hopefully you understand my point. It is different as the suggestion has come from me and it’s my intent to try and not talk about it.

Sex helps but walking up the stairs to help with care of the kids is too hard? Pull the other one

You have to do the stretching for what he's suffering from OP. Every day without missing. There's no point dismissing physios, people only do that because they can't be bothered with the basic stuff and put the work in.

He's just going to suffer otherwise and you by default.

OP, I really feel for you. And with every post, I got more and more angry with your H on your behalf. The "never in too much pain for sex" comment actually infuriated me.

I personally think that along with the resentment about how unsympathetic he was when YOU were in pain, I think another factor seems to be his complete refusal to acknowledge how YOU are stepping up for him now. I have had a really tough couple of weeks and DH has been a rock. And I've told him that and shown my appreciation and, I hope, he can see that I have done as much as I can rather than just throwing my hands up and going, "no, i can't do it." there have been a few times in the past where its been the other way round and I have to admit, I got very resentful that DH seemed so oblviou to the way I was supporting him, particularly after the initial period was over and it was slipping into routine for me to do the support and him to expect it....

I actually think you DO need to have a conversation. It's not happened becuase you are worried about looking unsympathetic, but the more resentment builds, the more you are going to become genuinely unsympathetic.

I don't know HOW you address it. If it was me and DH it would probably either be me snapping and us having an argument, forcing a conversation. Or, I'd probably sit him down and talk to him - which would also cause an argument, but hopefuly, aslo lead to some resolution and acknowledgement.

No, that's completely wrong. Chiropractors do not specialise in working with bones. they do work with the musko-skeleton, but this is in the context of the entire nervous system. You shouldn't dismiss treatment options when you don't even know what they are.

Having said that, and even as a huge fan of chiropractic treatment, I do agree with others that just seeing a chiropractor weekly is unlikely to be sufficient and if i was OP, part of my frustration would be his passivity.

I'd also LOVE to hear what his chiropractor says - I've never had a chiropractor who wasn't also encouraging gentle exercise, yoga/pilates, massage etc to support the work they were doing with me when things are particularly bad.

I don’t mind my husband being unwell or in pain, but i do mind the running commentary - which seems to refresh every 25 seconds.

Tell him that then! Point it out and tell him you are now realising how absolutely resentful you are at his prior lack of support when you were in agony, so frankly, you're a bit done with his dramatics.

It sounds like it’s particularly triggering for you because you suffered in silence and probably pushed beyond your limits (because you had to for your kids). I really think you need to have it all out with him and explain how you feel and the impact on you. Hopefully you’ll both respond compassionately to each other after this. I’m not downplaying how annoying and over the top he’s being in expressing his pain - you’re living this day so I’ll take your word on that! Perhaps he could wind it in a bit but you’ll need to have a really careful conversation with him to achieve this.

Has your DH ever acknowledged how frustrating it must be for you, or expressed any sympathy/regret/apologies that his pain is meaning you’re called to do much more on his behalf?

The pain isn’t his fault, but a normal partnership would usually involve the unwell partner acknowledging and expressing thanks for the one who is forced to put the extra work in while they’re unwell, because it’s hard to do and deserves appreciation. If I’m being looked after I want my partner to feel appreciated and know how grateful I am that they’re picking up the slack when I can’t - and vice versa. Having someone who’ll look after you is a lucky position to be in and saying thanks makes each other feel valued.

Hes never in too much pain to want sex? Dear Christ. Huge sympathies @Pteradon. The man sounds insufferable.

Mention to him that he might want to get tested for ankylosing spondylitis.

If he ACTULALLY has sciatica he needs to do lots of stretching exercises and see a really good sports masseur

If he's got a "bad back" tell him to get stronger pain meds

A chiropractor can do more harm than good.

I think OP needs to address her underlying resentment which is completely understandable. She suffered in silence for years and sounds like she is still running on empty in some ways. Her capacity for empathy is severely limited and this is the time to be very clear with her H that he didn't give her what she needed when she really needed it most, and now his pain is only taking her back to those dark days when he let her down. It should be a wake up call for him if he has any ability to empathise with her and others in general.

What’s the name of this magical neve blocker drug please?

Amitriptyline

You don't need to teach OP anything. You are excusing the lack of compassion from OP's DH when she was massively struggling with pain through two pregnancies and two C-sections all while doing the vast majority of care for her two children, including when they were new born babies.

He gave her no sympathy or help but OP wasn't wincing, groaning and huffing and puffing. I'm also pretty sure that OP's parents weren't there making it clear to OP's DH that he should be more sympathetic and helpful like OP's PILs are doing to her.