To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

[Pteradon]

DH has been in a lot of pain for months now. It seems to be sciatica around his legs / hip / back. He’s had an MRI which hasn’t pointed to anything.

I don’t doubt his pain is genuine. But the day starts with him complaining about what a terrible nights sleep he has had. He then returns in the evening and it’s just peppered with wincing, sucking air between his teeth and little noises communicating pain.

So here is the rub: ten years ago I had a disc prolapse and as anyone who has experienced this knows it’s absolute agony. It did eventually heal but stayed problematic for years afterwards. I went through two pregnancies, two C sections and really have just had to get the fuck on with it all because as we know babies and toddlers don’t respond to ‘I’m in too much pain to look after you.’

So honestly I am finding it hard to be particularly sympathetic. And (this is horrible but) the whole thing is just starting to get on my nerves now. I’m fed up of wincing and moaning and complaining.

I know - I am horrible. But is is beyond depressing. I’m dreading the Easter weekend.

I also suggest giving some sympathy and the over intrusive suggestions. My DH does this performative pain too and sympathy actually lessens it.

Distract, distract, distract.
Yourself (dont put the effort into distracting him your actions will suffice as an example). So if you can when the moan starts, take yourself out into nature or put on some music.
I find playing my musical instrument helps.
Do these things then report back :)

It’s a man thing. This week I haven’t slept well at all Ive managed 4 hours over 3 days, I have ehlers Danlos syndrome and have a healing shoulder dislocation the two combined means I am in a ton of pain however Ive done everything that needs to be done apart from cooking yesterday as I couldn’t power through that.
My dh hurt his shoulder a few weeks ago nothing dramatic just moving furniture down/up stairs, and omg Ive heard nothing else! Now today he needs to “rest” and have a “rest day” as he’s in so much pain and the bastard was out cold asleep by 8pm last night and still asleep now! 🔪 You have my sympathy.

100% this!

I have a lot of sympathy for you as genuine back pain is a dominant topic in our house too..

But with your husband, is the fact they havent found a cause adding to his pain? Its quite scary being in pain and not knowing why as you have no idea if it will heal and fear adds to pain. Also people can be more understanding if you can pinpoint a reason for pain so you dont need to 'advocate' for yourself in quite the same way. . If you say x is broken or y is trapped people know. Is he sort of stuck trying to get people take him seriously, forgetting you already do.

It sounds like neither of you are very kind to each other at all. Do you love him?

I agree with this.

I had some chronic back pain and spent nearly a whole physio session once talking about how your brain actually changes neurological pathways in response to persistent pain, and that you are always slightly tense and waiting for it to hurt.

OP, you say that the chiropractor helps but could this just be that he is getting a gentle massage that relieves some of the soreness, and that an actual physio plus exercises would be more beneficial in the long run.

I think I would have snapped at him by now and said 'Does going on about how much pain you are in actually help? If not, then stop doing it. It is having the total opposite of making me feel sympathetic.'

I sympathise, mine is the same. I fund channeling Eglantine Price, giving it a quick "There, there!" and getting on with my stuff eventually puts a stop to the parade, but it is exasperating.

Well, this is the problem isn’t it? It obviously sounds like I’m not kind to him here, because I’m venting. But … I take on a huge amount of work with the house and the children, I accommodate last minute changes, I don’t complain about it (well, not much!) because it’s how things are but I do think that’s being kind.

And DH wasn’t ‘kind’ to me throughout my pregnancies or with a newborn; it wasn’t so much that he was unkind as just genuinely didn’t understand what a slog pregnancy is especially towards the end and didn’t seem to understand that after both sections I did need to heal.

I do think in other ways we are kind. Maybe we’re both just had with other people’s pain!

Thanks for the replies, I did think I’d be annihilated. I’m not ignoring the suggestions re DHs pain, it’s just that’s not really what my motivation was in starting the thread, I discuss it enough at home! I’m struggling to talk to DH about anything that doesn’t get interrupted with a sucked air noise which means you then have to stop and wait or show requisite concern and ‘oh dear, there there.’ It’s starting to feel tedious and for my part insincere.

I absolutely sympathise. My DH has a chronic condition… he does stuff to help but if he’s a bit stressed (he stresses easily) it flares up. Strategies that I find help me:
popping out somewhere he can’t follow me and whinge,
being overly sympathetic but it’s hard not to tip into sarcasm
hunour
getting out, both of us, we have a dog, that helps

we have also had a couple of calm chats where we’ve talked about managing a chronic illness. And some less calm ones.

gritting teeth.

best was when he was complaining about his dad doing something similar and how wearing it must be for his mum….a raised eyebrow did the trick there as you could see cogs whirring in his head.

DHs parents (especially MIL) are also very concerned and fussing over him and there is definitely an inference that expecting him to do absolutely anything is unreasonable in the extreme. So that’s getting on my nerves as well!

I’ve seen this dynamic play out over and over - women left coping with all sorts of physical problems with minimal sympathy and help and then years later the husband develops a problem and it’s a struggle to muster up sympathy.

Big hug op! You’re not alone.

If it helps sleeping with a satin pillowcase under the hips helps make it easier to move in bed at night.

Anytime I mention an ailment, normally my hip, my OH says yeah my hip has hurt loads today.
He's a grief thief my dear

That sounds so hard for you - I really do sympathise. I've been in a similar position and the compassion fatigue is very real! After a while, my response to his expressions of pain was basically just a nod and a grunt through clenched teeth.

My DP eventually found a therapy that worked and ended up changing career to pursue it. But it took a few difficult years to get to that point. Hang in there, and I'd recommend getting a therapist of your own if you can

I really think "not doing anything" is unhelpful. He needs to keep moving! And yes the commute could well be exacerbating things

But to your issue: His parents are clearly 'oh my poor precious baby' types and this is what he has learned to do when uncomfortable..(probably explains my dh stoicism as his mum isn't interested in anyones discomfort but her own and was like that when dh was a kid)...So moaning is probably ingrained in your dh.

Im still erring towards "over-sympathise". You could suggest he asks for a referral to a pain clinic? It might even help!

No you sound equally unkind to each other. I don't think you sound more unkind. I just couldn't imagine feeling about that about my spouse in pain.

YANBU Even when I couldn't walk and tears were falling because of pain I shut up because moaning wouldn't help. It was just about 8 days but horrible (back blocked).

My DH complains about EVERY SINGLE little minor ache to the point that I breezily say "oh that must hurt- see the doctor" then change subject. He has accused me of not being empathetic but whenever I'm ill I still have to get on with things (sahm) and he doesn't help out.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, especially considering your history.

When my dh was younger & suffered back pain he went to an osteopath. Might be worth a try rather than the chiropractor.

I like the previous suggestion of reminding him what you went through with no help from him. In fact maybe bending, stretching & lifting the kids may help him whilst you go out for the day for some peace & quiet? And if mummy dearest complains that her darling boy is in too much pain to look after his own children, you can remind her what a useless, unsympathetic lump he was to you as well.

Resentment is destructive emotion. Have you got a friend who'll sit & listen to you let it all out & who you trust enough to let you be as angry as you need to be? The kind of friend who'll hold your beer, so to speak. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be angry with HIM, but personally I find letting the initial burst of pent up anger out, away from the person causing it, can be really helpful. It makes you more able to think straight, not respond emotionally when discussing it with partner & gives you more control over yourself/the situation. You really can't let resentment fester, it ends relationships & continually gnaws at your mental health.

So what should I be thinking / feeling?

The thing is that there is actually only so much I can say and do. I can, and do, take on more and more child related tasks, accommodate things like overnight stays in hotels to reduce the commuting time, I’m not really sure what else I could be doing to be ‘kinder.’

To be fair to his parents I think they are worried. Perhaps I should be as well but having been through similar I know GPs couldn’t be less interested and it’s just time. Mine did really get to me when it was bad: at its worst I was struggling to do anything like drive, put shoes on, I couldn’t even shave my legs, and yes everything does suffer. But it does have a knock on effect on other people around you as well and the truth is it is getting me down now. If I try to tell him something or talk to him he winces and groans so I don’t feel I can carry on. If I’m bathing a child and call for him to bring up DDs milk or something it takes what feels like hours as he groans and ‘ahh - AHHHs’ his way off the sofa and up the stairs. The day starts with him groaning and wincing.

Weirdly, he’s never in too much pain to not want sex funny that!

DH wasn’t ‘kind’ to me throughout my pregnancies or with a newborn; it wasn’t so much that he was unkind as just genuinely didn’t understand what a slog pregnancy is especially towards the end and didn’t seem to understand that after both sections I did need to heal.

You're still raging about this, and rightly so. Why would you be able to feel and show sympathy for a man with a twingy back, when he showed you none in the most vulnerable period of your life? There's nothing wrong with you, you're not a never ending font of benevolence and patience just because you're a woman.

We aren't better at dealing with pain or coping, we are socialised to be. We don't enjoy it any more than men do, we are no more capable, but we are forced to be because of this kind of nonsense. You have my sympathy. I'd be furious too. But then again, I think there's something wrong if you're a woman and you're not furious currently.

You are not being unreasonable OP - I would feel the same way as you (incidentally I had sciatic pain nonstop for 5 months last year and kept it mainly to myself). It's tricky because your pain is in the past and he can't be retrospectively sympathetic. But I would definitely be pointing out to him (and MIL) some of what you have said here.

I dont know how to teach you to feel compassionate towards your husband. It just usually comes with the territory.

What I will tell you is that in 2016, my aunt had similar symptoms that they treated as sciatica. She was on morphine in the end. It was eventually diagnosed as a rare type of cancer that is secondary to bladder cancer but the bladder part can usually go undetected until it spreads to this muscle, your psoras muscle. She died in 2018 after about a year of treatment.

I think I am pissed off. A lot of the time DH can be thoughtless and unthinking. He certainly isn’t a cruel or unkind man; neither am I (well, I’m not a man but you know what I mean!) but he will do that ‘man’ thing of disappearing into the thick of the garden to fix a squeaky gate ten minutes before you have to be somewhere and the children aren’t dressed and the breakfast stuff is still out.

We’ve both got better: me at being clear with him. One of his little tricks used to be what I called the Bilbo Baggins act as if I took the kids out somewhere for a couple of hours (say to a birthday party, something like that) he’d go off an an adventure and return hours later. So I have to be explicit with him; we’re out from 930-1230, do what you like but I do want you home at 1230. Sounds like a dictatorship but honestly he was taking the piss so much at one point! But now this back / leg thing has unevened things again, for want of a better phrase.

Does he ever take the kids out anywhere?