To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

[Pteradon]

DH has been in a lot of pain for months now. It seems to be sciatica around his legs / hip / back. He’s had an MRI which hasn’t pointed to anything.

I don’t doubt his pain is genuine. But the day starts with him complaining about what a terrible nights sleep he has had. He then returns in the evening and it’s just peppered with wincing, sucking air between his teeth and little noises communicating pain.

So here is the rub: ten years ago I had a disc prolapse and as anyone who has experienced this knows it’s absolute agony. It did eventually heal but stayed problematic for years afterwards. I went through two pregnancies, two C sections and really have just had to get the fuck on with it all because as we know babies and toddlers don’t respond to ‘I’m in too much pain to look after you.’

So honestly I am finding it hard to be particularly sympathetic. And (this is horrible but) the whole thing is just starting to get on my nerves now. I’m fed up of wincing and moaning and complaining.

I know - I am horrible. But is is beyond depressing. I’m dreading the Easter weekend.

I know you're not really looking for pain advice @Pteradon but Pilates sorted out my sciatic pain when the osteopath failed.

But it’s her thread about her feelings - why is that bad?
He does absolutely need a medication review!

It sounds like it's a form of attention seeking especially if his family are enabling him. I've suffered from chronic back pain and it truly is horrendous but mine is from degenerative discs and managed by an osteopath in a flare up, walking at least 10k steps a day and not sitting/lying down too long. Walking up and down a swimming pool helps too. I don't touch medication anymore, it just makes you feel shit.

I would have little patience with him either.

I have sciatica, stretching in very good for it, obviously it’s best if he has some guidance. My yoga instructor was amazing. Also, even when painful walking helps, it loosens everything up, worse thing is to become sedentary.

Well, he is in pain, it's not going away anytime soon, I'm sure that you've expressed sympathy many times and are doing your best to help him. That's all you can do; you're not obliged to talk about the same over and over. Next time he's moaning about it just make a polite sympathy noise or an oh dear sorry to hear that, and move on or redirect the conversation.

Yes, why to we get all the huffing and puffing, grunting and groaning?

Sometimes I think it would be quieter if I moved out into a farmyard.😱

Well, complaining about it does actually make it worse:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34466577/

And I say that as someone with a chronic joint condition and who's suffered many bouts of sciatica.

I do not think you would be unreasonable to sit down and have a talk with him laying out that, the catastrophizing is making his pain worse, it is having an impact on the family and family life and that you are feeling some resentment as it is reminding you of some lack of support that you experienced when you went through the same thing, and how does he think you can both move forward.

A friend of mine swore by acupuncture...

I have to say no medication helped me. Maybe I’m just weird but not tramadol or diazepam or even heavy codeine. So I’m not really surprised that he hasn’t been helped by it.

But perhaps people can see what I mean when you see how many replies have focused on DH and fixing him. If he wants advice he needs to ask for it; I’m not his mother and I’m not going to insist he does this and that. Especially when a lot of the things people are suggesting (counselling for me, gym memberships for him, physio) are very expensive and this also impacts on finances.

I think I'm your husband. I'm always in pain and always sad and whinging. I know it affects my DH and I do try to be positive and fake it but it's hard. He is very good but I also don't want to be a drain. I sympathise with both sides.

He needs a physio, not a chiropractor. Chiropractors can make things much worse and are extremely dodgy. Research via your preferred search engine will tell you.

I think people are trying to find solutions for you, as in, if he had less pain it would be less annoying/frustrating. A stretching class would be around a fiver, he only needs to do it once to use those techniques at home himself. Same with physio, they give you a pamphlet, you’re then expected to do the exercises yourself at home. If he won’t that’s another matter and I couldn’t be doing with him.

People are suggesting ways to help your dh because your basic problem is that his complaining is annoying you and there are two ways to fix that - fix his pain (if possible) so he stops complaining or just get him to stop complaining while still being in pain,

it seems fairly obvious that fixing his pain so he no longer complains about it and is able to do more stuff is the better solution.

for what it’s worth I was in an accident fourteen years ago and suffer daily pain. Sciatica is like my pain - it is neuropathic and comes from nerves. Standard painkillers are fairly ineffective with it but SSRis like amytriptyline or gabapentin are quite effective.

so if you can bring yourself to force him to the doctors and get the appropriate drugs he will be in less pain, he’ll whinge less and piss you off less.

Well, I am very pleased not to be married to you OP! After medically uneventful middle age I developed agonising pain in my knees and back last year. I was fortunate to get on the Nuffield joint pain programme and now exercise 6 days a week and have lost over 2 stone. It is a bit better but I still have quite severe pain at night which disrupts my sleep and am really stiff in the mornings and evenings. As my support group would confirm depression is very common. I try to be positive but honestly no matter how hard I try it is not going to get much better than this, it constantly occupies my mind and having met a number of people recovering from knee surgery I am really going to avoid that if I can. I’m sure your husband feels his life is decimated. My husband is endlessly supportive and encouraging which is a lot of help, if I found out he was writing negative stuff about me on line I honestly wouldn’t have a life worth living. DH had some knee surgery in his 30’s and would be quite right to say I could have done more but at that stage in life he was set to make a full recovery and doesn’t see this as comparable to my situation. My mother, who struggled with arthritis died after a fall, a very common ending for those of us with the condition. I feel sorry for your H, OP, please be kinder.

I understand people are looking for solutions but for pain of this type sometimes it is just a waiting game. So far he’s had an MRI which hasn’t shown anything and he had had physio which wasn’t effective and seen a chiropractor which has been. Of course that’s wrong according to some but we haven’t just been doing nothing. Very bluntly, for some types of pain it is just ‘wait for it to get better.’ That was certainly the case for me.

I am so grateful to those who understand though. It’s horribly draining and it feels like there is nothing in life other than someone else’s pain and it does get you down.

@Astrabees i also became very depressed. It is awful when your relationship suffers, your job suffers, your friendships suffer and everything feels like so much effort. But it is also hard effectively managing two very young children solo. And still seeing sex at least weekly if not more as something that is a must. It’s hard to really believe it’s that bad when he is still up for it!

Absolutely, especially if the instrument in question is a trumpet or bagpipes. A hearty rendition of "Flower of Scotland " every time he starts moaning will probably nip it in the bud.

I am genuinely trying to work out how people suffer with agonising pain and don't wince or grunt with the effort of moving, I can't help those noises, they are involuntary. I don't bring it up in conversations though unless it's to say I can't hoover or cook tonight because I'm in too much pain but I can't stop the noises. How??

Given what you have been through yourself, you are far from being horrible.
I'm one of these people who remember almost everything, whether I chose to or not.
I'd be more than fed up with the situation, maybe even walking away.
Different circumstances, obviously.
His conduct is not on.

It probably helps.

Correct me if I'm wrong (I might be!) but shouldn't a MRI pick up on the underlying cause of Sciatica if you have it?
At least that's what my DM was told when she went to have hers.

What’s stopping you from using your words and communicating your feelings?

No solutions but I feel your pain (if you’ll pardon the pun). My DH intermittent back pain, but it’s also often connected to his mental health. If his back starts to flare up, as often as not so does his depression and all I can think is “oh shit, here we go again” as the house is filled with him wincing and him hobbling around. I don’t doubt for a moment that he is in pain, but it’s definitely more dramatic when affected by his depression. And it’s the depression that makes his pain worse and not vice versa. All I can do is grit my teeth and try to be supportive but it’s not easy.

Presumably because she would feel mean to communicate her real feelings.

Have you ever been as frank with him as you have been on here?