To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

[Pteradon]

DH has been in a lot of pain for months now. It seems to be sciatica around his legs / hip / back. He’s had an MRI which hasn’t pointed to anything.

I don’t doubt his pain is genuine. But the day starts with him complaining about what a terrible nights sleep he has had. He then returns in the evening and it’s just peppered with wincing, sucking air between his teeth and little noises communicating pain.

So here is the rub: ten years ago I had a disc prolapse and as anyone who has experienced this knows it’s absolute agony. It did eventually heal but stayed problematic for years afterwards. I went through two pregnancies, two C sections and really have just had to get the fuck on with it all because as we know babies and toddlers don’t respond to ‘I’m in too much pain to look after you.’

So honestly I am finding it hard to be particularly sympathetic. And (this is horrible but) the whole thing is just starting to get on my nerves now. I’m fed up of wincing and moaning and complaining.

I know - I am horrible. But is is beyond depressing. I’m dreading the Easter weekend.

Gahhh, totally garbled my own post there. DH does help. What he doesn't do is yelp and groan to people outside the family.

(BTW, I'm less sceptical about the miracle cure offered by sex since I discovered that orgasm temporarily banished my headaches!)

OP's husband wasn't kind or a helpful hands-on dad both times after she gave birth and was caring for new born babies while in severe pain. I find that to be more unforgivable than OP seeking advice on Mumsnet.

She has also said that he is expecting her to have sex at least once a week and often more. He sounds self-centred and demanding.

I think people often tend to perform their pain because they want it acknowledged and sympathised with. You could try getting in first with lots of 'poor you, that must be terrible's so he felt less need to draw attention to it. Of course, its possible this may encourage him. But worth a shot.

Sometimes its a waiting game, but there may also be new things worth giving a go. Particularly if you are forking out the cost for a chiropractor weekly anyway.

I've had a bulging disc in my back, and have had 2 pregnancies with c-sections so get it! I've also had sciatic type pain. And my husband can make a meal of a cold. So I understand the frustration, and the extra burden and workload you are having to put up with. You are not being unreasonable to be struggling with it.

For me, for the disc, medication didn't help much just made me feel ill. I did see a physio and they couldn't really help but told me to lay on my front more to ease the strain on my back and counteract sitting. It has definitely helped. If I feel it tighten at all I take periods of laying on my stomach. I also got a standing desk to reduce sitting time, as that is obviously not good for us.

For the sciatic pain, it was a physio who helped. Didn't cure, and I'm not sure exactly what the method was called, but it involved holding my legs/moving my hips and holding in positions. Painless, and instantly helped ease the pain. So it may be worth looking out a physio who tries different methods.

Final suggestions I have, not personally tried but have known others to swear by, would be an oesteopath or reiki. I'm sceptical about some of these things, but have seen people notice instant changes first hand. In your shoes, I would get him to give it a try as there is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Completely get, none of these may work. But you are struggling, he's in pain, so trying something new that others have found relief from may help.

Tell him to look up Ankylosing spondylitis to rule out anything rheumatic.

Oh and tell him how you really feel, your feelings on this are valid.

Painkillers won't touch it. Gabepentin is the game changer and is commonly prescribed - it works on the nerves. Long term recovery I have found only came about by miles of walking, it gets the blood flowing so you can heal.

My mum has sciatica. Hip pain. Nerve pain. She's not overweight and she has spent the last ten years or so in agony even though she's on prescribed medication

I suffered from nerve pain every day after a fracture for six months. I also have nerve pain just now from a bad cut I had last year. My mum probably talks about being in pain every day - because she is.

There's more to this clearly - if the OP is unhappy she has every right to tell someone to stop going on about it - but if you are in a lot of pain - it's hard to do

Maybe the bigger problem is your marriage - you don't sound happy and if he's generally unsupportive and selfish you might need to look at whether long term you want to stay with one another

I already said they seem very unkind to each other. If you press quote history, you can follow the chain of comments. I'm sure that would be the case for this

Agree entirely. Having spent too long offering suggestions to DH when he was complaining of pain, of things that might help eg physio, GP, chiropractor, exercise, lose weight etc and having them rebuffed/ignored I eventually just gave up. Now it’s just “Oh dear. Have you taken painkillers?” I’ve even had him ask me if he is due the next lot of pain killers. I remind him that he’s the one in pain, not me, so I have no idea.🤯

Has she ever had an x-ray scan, seen a consultant?

I came out of hospital post surgery loaded up on oxycodin, cocodamol on crutches. When family came to visit DH went into great detail about his bad knee, back if anyone asked how I was coping.

He tells me about a farmer he met who is doing better than me. A fella he saw this morning who's off his crutches after four weeks. I'm a failure because I'm still on crutches after two weeks. I know better than to mention any pain.

She's had physio - it didn't help. Yes she had a scan - they just said that there was wear and tear in her hip. No - no referral to a consultant. She's on gabapentin but it's not helping - even when her dose was upped.

Or you have crappy men.

Mine is in the opposite habit of pride making him try to carry on regardless and sometimes making injuries worse but that's not necessarily a good thing either I guess

Someone asked earlier but I don’t think it’s been answered. Does he do this at work? Can he have a conversation at work without gasping in pain? I’d be asking him OP.

I'd not want to go to a chiropractor personally.

Has he got sufficient pain relief? What pain meds is he prescribed? What about pregabelin or something? There must be medicine to ease the symptoms.

How long ago was the scan?

Whenever my ex used to be ill I'd nod sympathetically and insist he take himself off to bed..
Close the door.
Job done.

A few years ago

She needs another one. My surgeon said hips can go from a bit of arthritis to stage 4 femoral collapse in less than two years. As mine did. NHS were useless in Wales so I saw surgeon, had x-ray done privately.

I expect that having sex makes the H feel better about himself. It is bad enough being in pain and knowing your body is wrecked without having to think your spouse doesn’t want you anymore. In my marriage we have worked together to find ways of doing it that are comfortable. Verso, the arthritis charity, offer advice on the physical and mental effects of the illness. Maybe there is a Nuffield gym near them where he could join the joint pain programme and get support and help. I literally felt my life was not worth living this time last year and it has been miraculous for me. The very worst day for me was when I confided in a friend about how much pain I had and they said I should stop moaning because everyone gets it. All my GP did was prescribe codeine and send me away.

I'm sure that if OP's DH had been more caring and sympathetic when she was in pain and struggling, she would feel much more inclined to make her husband feel better about himself. He is just reaping what he has sown.

Bloody hell itd annoy me too. All the crap you went through and you just had to get on with it, so I totally get why all his moaning of his totally rubs salt in the wounds. Its just a constant reminder of all your unappreciated years of getting on with it in a very impressive and unrelenting way - that are basically mostly still unacknowledged by the sounds of things. I totally get where you are coming from!

Thanks, all.

DH isn’t a bad man or uncaring but he can be a bit lazy and was happy for me to take the heavy load with the children. Partly my fault for enabling it but you get into habits and these habits can be quite difficult to break.

I am honestly being patient and caring to his face, it’s just inwardly I am groaning to myself as he winces or when I try to talk about something other than the agony he’s experiencing and he just pulls faces. It is hard for it not to get you down; even if he was the most loving and selfless partner ever I think it would be affecting me now. That’s not to say he isn’t loving and that he is selfish but he isn’t perfect (neither am I!)

If he's up for sex his pain is not that bad.