To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

[Pteradon]

DH has been in a lot of pain for months now. It seems to be sciatica around his legs / hip / back. He’s had an MRI which hasn’t pointed to anything.

I don’t doubt his pain is genuine. But the day starts with him complaining about what a terrible nights sleep he has had. He then returns in the evening and it’s just peppered with wincing, sucking air between his teeth and little noises communicating pain.

So here is the rub: ten years ago I had a disc prolapse and as anyone who has experienced this knows it’s absolute agony. It did eventually heal but stayed problematic for years afterwards. I went through two pregnancies, two C sections and really have just had to get the fuck on with it all because as we know babies and toddlers don’t respond to ‘I’m in too much pain to look after you.’

So honestly I am finding it hard to be particularly sympathetic. And (this is horrible but) the whole thing is just starting to get on my nerves now. I’m fed up of wincing and moaning and complaining.

I know - I am horrible. But is is beyond depressing. I’m dreading the Easter weekend.

Oh Crack of, that gave me such a laugh, thank you for cheering my day.
Even if op doesn't seem it.

Sorry , see it, your post i mean.
All for turning a negative into a positive.

By way of extension OP.
If flowers of Scotland doesn't quell his sighing

Then Flowers of the Forest surely will.

solidarity. I am sat here in silence with a bad back having been awake since 4.30, my husband is 3 metres away from me and has just dragged himself out of bed and is huffing, puffing and whining, telling me he's also been awake since 4.30 which is very untrue as I've been listening to him snoring. quite literally could murder him right now.

Mines been up most of the night. I was up with DD at 1 and again at 4. He couldn’t sleep apparently. Well, no, of course you fucking can’t if you’re sat on a sofa watching Netflix

We’ve had a morning of wincing and urrggghhh. It’s just so, so irritating.

I did realise last night though that DH has always had a tendency to reply with something completely unrelated to what I’ve said. It actually really put me off him in early days of dating. Sort of ‘Mary at work randomly lost it in the office on Friday and we all had to step out while she calmed down.’ Him ‘how’s your fish?’ He still does it, it’s just now always a commentary on his pain.

There are phones tHat audio Record.
Record convo like the one above you kust described.
Then type out transcript.
Do not embellish.
Present him wi5h it.
Ask him what will he be doing to fix his behaviour coz it's making you depressed. Letvus know how youbgwt on.

Well, I’m not going to do that. This thread has made me realise that I am really being affected though, which is why I have to say all the stupidity about musical instruments above is really annoying as well. It’s just taking the piss and I really could do without it.

I do need to point out to him that I haven’t had a proper conversation with him in what feels like forever. It’s one of three things.

1. I am in pain (wince, grunt, ooh-ooh-ahhh.)
2. You’re overreacting.
3. Sly little dig.

Not great really.

Think you will find I was trying to be helpful.
But im not in the businesses of justifying myself to you excessively.
Hope you get some resolution.
Pip pip

It actually made me feel the same way I do when DH does it. What you’re basically saying is ‘what you are saying is not important, we will make a joke out of it.’

I would normally just ignore it but it has bothered me a bit to be honest.

Ok - if you want this thread to be about you then you need to find a way to let go of the resentment you feel about how he treated you in the past.

Someone suggested you have a once and for all vent about how unsupported you felt to a trusted friend.

I personally would prefer that vent to be towards the unsupportive DH directly.

When DC are occupied I’d literally sit him down and spell out how you feel:
behaviour after childbirth, feeling unsupported, behaviour when you were ill

But it’s a ONE time thing ie you need to be prepared to let it go once you have expressed it and then put it behind you.

Then you need to talk openly about your current set up. Acknowledge that he is in pain and you are sorry there is not an immediately obvious solution.

However, his issues do affect you and you find it hard too and it’s affecting you. Explain how it does impact family life and while you understand he can’t help it and didn't choose it, he needs to be a bit more mindful that it’s hard for you all the time with worrying about him and having to manage DC and household stuff. Tell him the constant discussion about his pain is hard to hear all the time and takes a lot of your headspace, something you don’t have a lot of.

It might be performative moaning but it might be a case of a complete lack of self awareness. Sometimes people just need to be told/prompted to have a think about how they come across. In the framework of a marriage, these conversations should be ok to have and they can be firm and factual, while delivered with kindness.

Otherwise I fear the resentment will eat you up.

After that, the next goal I’d suggest is him learning how to be able to look after both kids on his own. In whatever form that takes; in accordance with his health limitations. The current set up is totally unfair on you.

Once that is sorted - you really should treat yourself in some way - perhaps a short break away from both DH and DC so you can centre yourself a bit.

My husband was the same over Christmas, and I found it really hard. It was a bit annoying but also it brought me down, because I love him and hated hearing him in pain. Amitriptyline sorted him out too - but only when they doubled the initial dose.

Cocoa Tea
How lovely taking all that time out typing and reading to help.OP :)

Don't feel bad, i totally get why this would be so annoying. I've had chronic sciataca, it burns like hell, but i'd never moan about it in front of someone with a slipped disc.

I got sciataca after my second pregnancy, and it gradually got worse over the following 10 years. It got so severe it felt like the pain was like a lightening bolt that came out of the bottom of my foot by about 3 inches (i've never before felt pain so bad that it radiated beyond the extent of my body). I found the only way to prevent or relieve an atrack is excersize. I also found that back adjustments at the chiropractor were helpful, but only if you keep up with the excersizes to strenghten the back and core and keep hips, etc in the right position. Cycling was an absolute game-changer, it keeps everything stable in the correct position and is great for strengthening your core. I have a desk job, so it was also essential to do stretches regularly, and i kept a mat at work to do dead-bug and leg lift excersizes in the lunch hour. I also swear by kegels to strengthen the pelvic floor, this is important in men as well as women.

I haven't had a bad attack for over 5 years now, but it's important to keep the core strong and do regular non-impact excersizes. It's the ONLY way out of sciataca, pain killers and back adjustements on their own won't cure it.

This doesn’t sound great. What is he like in other areas?

I hope you have healed or heal up soon.