AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

OMFG the idea that you can't even think for yourself and have come to a women's forum says it all.

I can't believe anyone is actually answering your question.

You've literally taken a request from your wife and put it out to tender and all the women answering are giving you the answers for free. Then probably carrying on with their lives with a total disassociation about why the mem in their lives can't seem to do anything 🤯

I actually just hope this is your idea of a joke?

Colour me shocked OP didn't return

engagement farming

Things like:

• the kids are going to be hungry when they walk through the door.

• Or when they were little, that it’s going to take at least 30 minutes to get them to put their shoes on, get their coat on and leave the house.

• That the teenagers need to be given at least a 1 hour warning of the time to leave the house due to showers, make-up etc.

• when DD is premenstrual, do not poke the bear and just give her space

I mean, I could go on and on. Sometimes I look at DH and think of course that was going to happen.

You know exactly what she means.

You should read what he wrote. It was not trivial.

And no, there are more non-trivial reasons to divorce somebody than being abusive or “not fancying them”.

You are projecting. I wouldn’t not put up with somebody leaving all the domestic labour to no matter what his other qualities were.

I have read it. Not just here but in other places. I maintain if he was sexy, charismatic, handsome, brought in a lot of money and was a fundamentally decent but imperfect human being she wouldn't have cared about a glass by the sink.

She's talking about the mental load. Men tend to not notice anything that's going on around them, what this means, and further consequences. This leaves many women resentful as they are trying to juggle work, home, children etc and while men are able to help if told, it can lead to further resentment because now you're just another aspect of her life she needs to manage. Think apprentice. 40/50 years ago women bore this load. But they only had to worry about running the house and children in many cases. Now most women also have to contribute to the cost of the house so is also juggling having to work on top of it all. I'm not commenting on house wives vs not. It's a comment on the economic climate though.

If you are looking to improve... Things like... Keeping on top of the washing- do not just stick it in- that isn't helpful. You need to have it in, be getting the next load off the line, putting it away and putting the wet stuff up... tidying up as you go- don't walk past something pick it up, adding stuff to the shopping list as they are used and actually go do it or have a conversation about whose going. If it gets to bed time start the routine. Don't wait for her to initiate it. Dinner, get it started if your wife is busy. If you have no idea what she has planned this week to eat you can easily start to spot where you've been dropping the ball. Just a few pointers for starters.

Well if he had all the qualities I described here, I most definitely would.
In fact he could pay for a cleaner once a week: problem solved.
As if a woman would turn down a man who brought in a lot of money, was handsome, charismatic, sexy and fundamentally decent cause he didn't do the dishes.

A cleaner once a week wouldn’t solve the dishes problem, that’s a daily (or multiple times daily) task.

But let’s look at your comment when you say the man “couldn’t do the dishes”.

Are you saying he’s too stupid to do the dishes and incapable of learning how? Because lots of women wouldn’t want a partner with that low of an IQ.

Are you saying he’s too misogynistic to do the dishes? That he thinks it’s “woman’s work”? Because, again, lots of women don’t want a partner who is a misogynist. That’s certainly not a “fundamentally decent” man.

Is he too selfish to do the dishes? Because selfishness rarely sticks to one aspect, so if he’s selfish about housework he could also be selfish about other things, such as in bed; doesn’t matter how outwardly sexy a man is if he doesn’t bother to give you an orgasm.

So, the attributes you give this imaginary man rarely coexist with a person who “couldn’t do the dishes”. I dont know one person, for example, who has made a lot of money, but is too stupid to know how to wash up; do you?

I think what she probably means is open your bloody eyes and see what needs to be done to keep your home a clean and pleasant environment.

You are a grown-up and your wife is not your nursemaid/charwoman/cook/valet.

If the loo roll runs out, replace it. If that was the last loo roll you used, or there's only one spare, put "loo rolls" on the shopping list.

Is the laundry basket overflowing? Sort it out and put a wash on. If you don't know how to sort colours, and if you don't know how to use the washing machine, learn. Is there clean dry washing on the line/in the dryer? Take it, fold it, put it away.

Is the shower/bath grubby? Give it a clean after you've done. Did you leave skidmarks in the pan and a stench? Clean up after yourself, open a window, spray some air freshener.

Are you going on holiday? Make a list of what you'll need, pack your own bag.

Millions more examples. Just notice what needs to be done and DO IT!

Keeping a house tidy and functional requires constant attention and work. Everyone in the house should contribute to this.

I said didn't do the dishes not couldn't.

All I'm saying is that if a man had a whole list of wonderful qualities such as making a lot of money, being sexy, handsome, charismatic and fundamentally decent nobody would turn him away because he didn't wash a few dishes. Presumably because he's too busy making bank.

F*ing hell, some people will just argue about anything here. Lol.

If there’s an INSET day coming up… book leave
Going on holiday? Check your passport, find adaptor plugs, buy sun cream
If It’s Scouts on Friday.. wash the uniform before then
Don’t arrange to be working away when there a parents meeting

People certainly do divorce because it’s death by a thousand cuts. That’s what that essay illustrates.

She divorced him because he was continually disrespectful to her. He knew it was important to her, but he kept not doing it. To be fair, being continually disrespectful is a sure fire way to get someone to stop fancying you.

What she means is she is sick and tired of asking you to do things around the home you live in, things a normal adult would see and do without asking.

Put your bloody mug/ plate/ spoon/ shoes/ clothes/ coat/ hat/ gloves/ hobby shite where they're supposed to go.

Empty the dishwasher and put things back where they're supposed to go.

Don't ask your wife where X or Y or Z are or where she wants you to put them.

If you have developed the enraging habit of asking your wife what's for dinner, every day, stop it.

Familiarise yourself with storage places in every room of the house and develop the habit of putting things away.
You can work up to taking on entire tasks all by yourself - washing up after dinner and cleaning the kitchen properly without being asked, every evening. Deciding what to cook and budgeting, shopping, and cooking it every night, week on/ week off. Cleaning the bathroom.

All of this without being asked, and without reporting back to her expecting her to fall to the floor in awe. This is how grown ups live. You are not a child and your wife is fed up of doing all your thinking for you in the home.

You dont get it do you....the glass is in the sink is every single day. Its also one example to represent all the other stuff, wet towels on the floor, food left out, using the last of something. None of that is 'charismatic'. Your list of what you think matters may be true when you're dating..maybe even true if you're childfree and have money for a housekeeper, but in a standard family set up, none of that would matter if every single day you were faced with a middle finger being stuck up at you, which is what this article is. Maybe YOU wouldn't divorce over it but plenty do, so you cant say its wrong.

We're 218 posts in and the OP hasn't replied so I think they've got what they wanted.

My DH doesn’t seem to notice mess, I don’t understand it. He would never look at a basket full of laundry and just go put it in the machine, or put a clean basket away. He also would rather squish the rubbish in the bin down than empty it (yes, as on Here We Go…). He can happily ignore a dishes or a room with toys scattered all over. I’d love it if he spontaneously cleaned, it would bring me so much joy! I guess she means this.

Perhaps anticipate isn’t the right word.

start NOTICING things…
is there washing on the line - take it in.
are there plates on top of the dishwasher - empty the dishwasher and refill it
has the cereal run out - do the food shopping and check the cupboards yourself to see what’s needed.

And so on ….

Oh yeah if you're having a 'partnership' where you do exactly the same things it's going to be rough.

I do have to ask, though, if somebody is that messy, why wasn't this noticed at the dating stage?
It's not as if people go from childhood home to marriage these days.

Surely you know if they're messy beyond copability when you marry them?
Aren't these things vetted for when undertaking marriage?
No. Obviously not according to some people here.
No point complaining later down the lane.
I don't really believe that if your boyfriend's place is super tidy he's going to turn into a slob when married.
Mess has little to do with marital status, it's something that causes stress to those that hate it.
I mean it. It's an ingrained trait.

The bottom line is this: if people have their rose-tinted specs on they disregard stuff they later wish they hadn't.

Well at least your final sentence is apt!

To pay for dinner money before the balance gets too low, to buy new school
shoes, uniform and coats before the get too small., to buy more milk and bread before they run out, to put a load of washing in before the family run out of clean clothes, to fill dishwasher and turn it on when there’s only a few clean pots lefy

other things like this.

It’s really not rocket science

Again, you've ignored the point about the change that happens when you go.from two independent adults, probably both working and dealing with your own stuff to family. Suddenly there's loads more to do for x number of small people and possibly an imbalance in time spent in and out of the home working. Someone leaving a cup in the sink when you're both on an equal footing is different when its done when you're seen as the domestic servant. The dynamic changes.

I disagree.
Standards may drop a bit, however, if both parties are naturally people who hate mess, and are not undergoing any crisis, and there's a couple of hours spare, the place will always be fundamentally tidy.
Watch TV? No let's get the dishes done.
They won't have so much clutter for a start. Tidy people hate clutter!
It is the enemy of tidiness.

The problem is that women marry charming but not domesticated men and when the spark goes so does the ability to cope with faults.
Well that's the way it is. Don't complain now.