AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

🤣🤣🤣

I was anticipating this comment but you were quicker than expected! ⭐️

It isnt among the working classes and non-white cultures. My white friends growing up had pretty much the same expectations. Especially the Irish ones.

It's cultural.
But more importantly, it is something you can change my modelling different things to the next generation. Staying in these unequal relationships that your kids see is perpetuating the problem.

Well its just crazy to me that you'd set these little tests for your adult partner. It sounds so toxic.

I didn't say anything about class or race. I raise my kids alone and both boy and girl are being taught they have to contribute. I take issue with your post uothread where you blame the MUM for not raising her son right...where's the dads role in that?

Well, he’s never noticed… and I’m more curious than aggressive.

I grew up with very strict rules around tidiness so I’m always trying to push them a little to see where my comfort can extend to. It is always less far than husband’s however.

It’s about systems thinking and risk management. Homes have a ‘flow’ of work that keeps everything safe, hygienic and manageable. It’s about prevention- there’s no ‘one’ thing. You need to see the house as a whole system. The worst thing is having to give someone ‘specifics.’

I have ADHD, so I use one of those housework workbooks that breaks down each room and the connections. Probably because of my ADHD I had to learn it all the hard way and build up good habits. But I recommend it to anyone really.

my partner and I tend to have different ‘flows’ of the home that we take responsibility for, but can delegate if one of us is away. Took a while together there though - like any teamwork.

All the things that you should be doing as a fully functional adult/parent.

To pick things off the floor (his things) which shouldn't be there in the first place.

Replace the toilet roll before it runs out if he's used it all.

This x100 ^.

When my exH first took me to see his parents, he sat in a chair to watch sport on TV and his mother brought in a coffee for him. He grunted and said nothing. He never offered to wash up after the meal, either.

Pay attention all you single women, don't be foolish like me and keep your eyes open !

Do things when you see them and think things through - if you need a clean shirt or kids do it is going to need washing and drying and possibly ironing - it's an entire process - don't just put it in washing machine and assume that's it the rest magically happens.

TBH though if you can't - routine and year planners - routinely do jobs like bins/sheets/washing/shopping/kichen/bathroom cleaning - and have a shopping list on go with alexa or fridge - and a wall planner with all family events upcoming. It will cut down some of the frustration of you not "seeing" as a lot of background stuff will get done anyway as part of a routine.

I am intertested in the housework workbook pp mentioned - as often entire house feels overwelming like today as been away recently so out of routine and rest of inhabitants just did bare min also been caught up in kids school project that a time sink and we have fincky guests coming to stop so feels overwhelming so most likely to snap at DH not seeing things or antipating stuff needing doing today rather than waiting for directions as feel under pressure and the guests are his family.

Yes!

It’s just another way to describe planning and organising.
It means knowing what’s coming up abs planning for that. For example, knowing when the kids go back to school after Easter so making sure homework is done, uniforms are clean etc
It’s knowing that groceries will last a certain amount of time so planning a shop etc.

So depressing how many men need this basic shit explained to them. She’s your wife, not your line manager. Look around you and see what needs doing, it’s not rocket science.

A small, specific thing that makes me furious, you ask? Well, in the early days of our relationship my DH came close to being bounced off the doorstep followed by his suitcase because whenever he heard me starting to load the washing machine he'd appear saying, "Oh, I'll do that," but it would never occur to him to connect a full washing basket with the need to put on a load of washing, or even to think, "NMRA is putting some washing on, I should do something useful too, does the hoovering need doing or the bin taking out?" It sounds like a trivial thing to get angry about, but I had baggage from my first marriage that meant I interpreted it as a statement that I was incapable of loading a washing machine to his satisfaction and blew my stack because no man was going to be allowed to undermine me in my own house ever again, whereas in reality it was just plain old lack of initiative. (We survived, he still sometimes does it.)

Op could have anticipated responses and replied - I see his wife’s point

Just engage your brain and do what needs to be done or will soon need to be done.
That’s it! Magical.

What do you want for dinner?

Wrong answer: Uhh, I don’t know. Whatever you want. (Thanks, now I have to think about what to make for dinner and make sure we have everything AGAIN). It doesn’t matter if you don’t care what’s for dinner. She doesn’t care either, but she still has to think of something and sort it out.

Right answer: How about a chilli? I’ve checked and we have the ingredients. Why don’t you put your feet up and I’ll make it. (Even once or twice a week would be fantastic)

Here’s how to do it: pretend you live alone. Then when you’re going through your home and your life make decisions and act on the basis that there is nobody else there to facilitate your life.

Dishes in the sink? Nobody else is there to do them, so do them yourself.

Laundry in the hamper, full bin, bills to pay, things to sort etc. - there is nobody else there to do them.

Same with childcare, admin, buying presents and so on.

Do that for a month solid to get yourself in the habit and you will begin to naturally anticipate things because you’re a grown adult.

You're rather living up to your user name. Why do you think we know what your wife means? We're all different. The person you should be asking is your wife, of course.

I'm more interested in what sort of thing she keeps asking you to anticipate.

For me its when my husband is playing with the toddler and I know he is going to get headbutted/hit in the balls.

I can see it coming a mile off but he never seems to anticipate it. Especially with his balls. I thought all men wanted to protect them.

I think its just about not just acting in the now, but having an eye to the future. So if you notice the cat food is nearly gone, you can anticipate the cat will need feeding tomorrow and so get more food in.
Also about preparing for eventualities. So if you take your child into the woods, is it going to be muddy? If so might they need wellies?
And planning ahead. So, you know you need food buying weekly, or the car needs an annual service, or DC need dentist check ups, have a reminder on your phone to make sure you get them done.

My partner is fine around the house as we have a fair division of labour. However he’s not very good at anticipating when driving. He’s very reactive, so instead of looking ahead and noting changing conditions and possible events he just mindlessly drives and then finds he has to break suddenly, or cut in to get in the right lane.

You do realise everyone that this bloke simply lit the touchpaper and pissed off.

He's probably sat back having a great laugh whilst you all fall all over yourselves to put him straight.

Yes it's very much the type of post I'd make if I wanted to get a large group of women all worked up. From a quick skim, it's not gone as badly as it could've. The odd victim-blamer here and there.

I wonder if MN should have a more involved registration system or some other way to keep these dipshits from being able to post.