AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

That we need to cook dinner every night.

My partner is not partially or wholly a team that reports to me not do I treat him like that (or vice versa).

I have absolutely asked him to anticipate more and not meant anything emotional, simply practical stuff along the lines of multiple PPs.

I'm sorry if you have been in abusive situation but asking a partner - especially a co-parent - to anticipate practicalities is not abusive.

I think some of the other replies here are a bit smarmy. A bit along the men are useless lines.
What you should really be asking yourself is this, Is the request a new thing or has it always been this way?

You see when people start to go off each other things that they did before for their spouse gladly are no longer bearable for them.
This applies to men and women.
Habits which were endearing before become a source of contention.

It happens all the time, things which were written off as little inconveniences are now suddenly important.

None of this is to say you shouldn't be doing stuff of course!

Though I wouldn't automatically give into any extra housework demands, if you're working a 60 hour week and she nothing at all or much less than this, the bulk of the housework is on her - same if the genders are reversed.

I know that if I was working a 60 hour week and my dh only 40 I'd tell him to do one if he moaned about putting the fucking bins out.

You only know who does what.

She wants you to be an active participant in your life together instead of just being a passive passenger.

It means she wants a partner she does not have to think for. You see the toilet roll has run out, change it. Their laundry basket is full, empty it. The bin is overflowing, empty it. You are low on toilet rolls or kitchen towels, but some more.

It’s 8pm at night, she is running late from
work - put dinner on. I assume it’s that kind of thing.

Far more succinct but 100% accurate.

This does read like a journo question though.

This week.

its your mother’s birthday, get her a card.

we are running low on clean reusable water bottles because children are bad about returning them to the kitchen. Collect them and get them washed.

restock tp in all the bathrooms

you said you wanted to change gardeners this year, well, the gardener will be starting weekly again next week if you don’t intervene.

we are running low on milk and bread.

dd needs a haircut. Someone needs to make an appt.

I could keep writing and writing. It is all the little things that the adults in the household need to keep track of to keep the household running.

A friend of mine is now divorced.

During his ex and his trial separation we were meant to go out as a group together. He said he would have to be real late as he had literally run out of clean clothes. He opened his wardrobe to completely empty racks and was confused for a milisecond before he realised he needed to do laundry. He just had never given much thought to the fact the dirty clothes he dropped on the floor ended up clean and folded back in cabinets and drawers! 😆

I think by anticipate, she means 'notice'. Notice the washing up needs doing, the bin is full, the laundry needs doing, the baby's nappy needs changing.

As others have said, notice the effort that goes into packing for a holiday or getting out of the house with small children and be prepared to help with those tasks. Don't choose to, say, spend the 20 mins before you need to go out scrolling on your phone on the loo.

If @otiose1001 is genuine, it's interesting that
a) he hasn't been back
b) he has no idea
c) he has no idea but asks a group of women

Anticipate that:
Everyone will need dinner every night
Anticipate that that will require there to be dinner ingredients Iin
Anticipate that it will take x amount of time to make the dinner
That kind of thing?

@otiose1001 You are presumably blessed with eyeballs and a brain. Look around you. Why is it her responsibility to notice things that need doing, and have to ask you to do them?

Start noticing things. Do them. If the kitchen bin is full, just empty the bloody thing and replace the bag with a fresh one.

Oh it’s a plop and run.

So definitely a journo.

What a load of nonsense.
She divorced him because she stopped fancying him or he became an abusive twat. Nobody gets divorced over trivia like this.

They absolutely would

Its not trivia when its a million things like this every day that if put into language would be saying 'Im too special and interesting and important to do this mundane crap, ergo, you can do it as youre not'.

Mate, she’s your wife, and we don’t know her.

This is the kind of thing my BIl says. Eg, they will have a big group over for a bbq in summer. They do this often. But every single time, he doesn't anticipate that the patio furniture needs to be cleaned and cushions put out. Every time, hes "in charge" of drinks and yet he never thinks about this until sister asks him if hes ensured there are enough in the fridge etc. And hes completely surprised. Even dh asked him one time "hey, should I help with getting the drinks sorted" and bil was totally surprised it needed doing.

At home,

Lsy night, I got home late and dh had not anticipated that dd needs to est a) separately and b) earlier. I was furious.

So many things! How long is it since the mattress cover was changed and washed? How often should this be done? Will it fit in the machine at home or should it go to the laundry? Who is going to take it if so?
Read all the emails and newsletters from school, and mark things in the calendar, including days in advance when someone (who?) has to make or buy a costume/gift for the tombola etc.
Multiply this by an infinite number of tasks that it takes to run a home and family.

Disagree. If he had other qualities that more than made up for it: bringing in a lot of money, being sexy, charismatic and handsome and he was an imperfect but fundamentally decent man she wouldn't have cared.

For instance, you could recognise the signs that you might be getting divorced because you have never pulled your weight in the relationship, rather than turning round when you get the divorce papers and saying 'she didn't even tell me anything was wrong'.

If you use the last of something, don’t wait for her to discover you have in order to get more. And for the love of god, DON’T put the milk back in the fridge without enough left in it for even a cup of tea, or leave 2 solitary sheets of loo roll, or just the crust of the bread and insist you didn’t finish it.

If you know you’re going away then it’s up to you to work out in advance what you need to pack and that it’s been through the wash, not wait til the night before and start moaning you can’t find your yellow t shirt.

If you're doing a long drive to someone’s wedding on Saturday and you know you’ll need a full tank of petrol, fill it up the day before. Don’t wait til you get in the car Saturday morning then blithely announce you’ll need to stop and fill up.

How do you survive at work or out of the house? Do that.

Childcare, parenting, and domestic labour are routine and predictable, down to the smallest detail.

If you don't know what the smallest details are, she's actually telling you that you are not doing nearly enough of anything. Unless you've divided jobs into yours and hers, you should know every detail required by every task/event, and ...

ANTICIPATE it such that not every fucking thing is part of her mental load.

Someone's birthday coming up. Don't wait till the night before then ask if the royal We have a card for them. Just think oh it's X birthday and buy the damn card.