AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

There are many men partners who are attractively self-sufficient when a couple gets together. A common point for the rot to set in is on having babies which a) increases the workload so that self sufficient is not enough and a 3rd party needs planning for and actioning on, and b) the change of work-life balance from maternity leave/ changes in working hours tends to skew women to having more time in the house and picking up a "default parent" role. Self-sufficient is't a sufficient share of the family load at this point of family life.

Then there's some men partners who get complacent and lazy, and deteriorate into a man-child role if there's a mummy around to do the thinking and doing for them. Being a breadwinner is not enough (especially if it doesn't cover outsourcing the load to external agencies) and is often a moot point when both partners have to work. There's more than enough MN posts where the male acts like a 1950s breadwinner, when he has the lesser income and still expects housewife service from his working partner.

No one is going to write "lazy, inattentive slob" on a dating profile to give a potential partner a heads-up on their life in 5-10 years.

I disagree. I don't think that a man who keeps an immaculately tidy home when single is going to turn into a slob around the house when married.
To keep his place to that level of tidiness shows he values tidiness.
It's ingrained.

Usually with men who need mummying in this regard it's pretty clear that they do as their place will be a tip when you go there for the first time.

There's no turning into a slob (unless there's a crisis of sorts).

People pick badly then blame the other person when desire lessens and the rose-tinted specs come off. Which it will when habituation sets in.
And please stop with this men thing.

I know men who work really long hours when their wife doesn't work as long.
After dinner, she's more than happy to leave the dishes till the morning when she'll be doing them. In fact as he works the longer hours she sees it as fair that she does them all the time.
He is itching to get them done so he does them.

You're either tidy or you're not.

@QuintadosMalvados sorry but you simply cant state it as a fact that men never change like this when many women on here can factually attest the opposite. It's easy to say 'oh they just ignored it' but thats basically victim.blamimg women for mens' twatty laziness once life changes. No-one is ever prepared for the change a child or two brings and noone can know with certainty how they or their partner will respond to the challenges. Blaming women for 'picking badly' and then moaning is just trying to shift the responsibility away from the lazy man child who doesn't like having to put himself second or third in the priority list once kids arrive.

Are people kidding? So many ridiculous responses. OP clearly doesn’t mean anticipate that someone will need a meal or that things will go into the bin. Love how many people have jumped saying “do some chores” in the classic MN simplistic bullshit that all men (probably their own) are incompetent. I honestly thing asking someone to “anticipate things” is beyond stupid.

I think the number of responses saying exactly that are indicative of how many men DO need to apparently be told to do these things. Sad really. But not unbelievable.

No being told to anticipate things means exactly what people have been saying.

I think the vanishing OP @otiose1001 needs t try I clarify what his wife means, but I think a lot of the posts are spot on.

@otiose1001 if you are on Facebook, have a look at the posts and reels of Alex trippier. He talks about common arguments between husband and wife regarding the load and inequality between them

You are really very naïve if this is really what you think. Of course there are some men who are capable of pulling their weight and being a genuine partner without being oblivious to the mental load of running a household, but society still has patriarchy embedded deep and such men are not the majority.

Thinking ahead - do i need to get anything this week/month ie family cards, toiletries, food /menus.
If going on holiday think about EVERYTHING you need ie clothes , toiletries, suncream, toys, games etc . If clothes/sports stuff (for younor even more so, the kids) is needed for Wednesday you need to check its ready, or if not needs to be washed and dried in time for the particular day. Feeding the kids or offering/ giving drinks during the day, think about/anticipate what someone other than yourself needs and do something about it!

Two stories i read recently.

1. A dad was taking the kids on a hike while mum.was at baby shower. He forgot the milk for the baby (had juice gor the 2 older ones).
2. A husband commented on how long their shower soap lasted . His wife asked what he meant. He said weve lived her 2yrs and I dont think its ever run out! Wife pointed out thats because she anticipated when it would run out and therefore bought and topped it up. It had 'obviously' been refilled many times!

Very generalised but I know some men say oh I never thought about that....but women have no choice because if THEY dont then stuff just wouldnt happen and people /kids/ pets could suffer, and/or issues occur.

The very fact the OP hasn't bothered to come back onto their own thread, yet has expected women on here to take time out of their day to fix theirnon problem is exemplary of their levels of entitlement.

i pity their wife and hope they reduce their own effort commensurately.

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.
Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.
If it was me then I would predict: if I started a thread then people would like me to come back to it, and interact with them.
This is a wind-up, isn't it.

One of the most basic things that I find a lot of men in my life don’t anticipate is when another person is going to need to move into a particular space.

For example -

1. I’m doing the cooking and someone is standing talking to me. I obviously am about to move towards eg the sink, a particular cupboard etc. I find men tend not to move in anticipation of you coming over but wait to be specifically asked to move. Women see you coming to the sink and move.
2. I’m coming to sit at the table with things in my hands but there are items on the chair I’m coming towards. Move them before being asked.
3. I’m coming to sit beside you on the sofa but you happen to be sitting across two seats - move up before being asked.

My experience is that women do move/ clear the space etc before you get there, but men wait til you ask them (which is often a bit late and leaves you standing waiting with things in your hands)

Turns out it was divorce papers.

237 people give advice. OP never returns. Perhaps your wife meant shite like “if you post online, anticipate there will be replies”? I mean, if you weren’t able to “plan” for that, then I doubt anyone here can help you with your weaponized incompetence.

I assume she is wanting you to take on your fair share of the mental load. Not an unreasonable request and I can't imagine how you are struggling to understand. Take a step back and look at who is on top of things in your house. Ask her to note down everything she has done today, not just the physical stuff.

I think you know jolly well what your wife means. But to acknowledge it would mean extra work/effort for you, so it is easier to pretend you don’t know. It’s a selfish attitude, in fact you do anticipate what needs doing (as your wife has no doubt just got on and done things many many times.)

Look I'm sorry but I totally disagree that a man who hangs his towel on the rack tidily after use and puts his dirty laundry in the basket if he has always done this is suddenly going to stop as he has a family as it is ingrained behaviour.

Yes some tasks may need negotiation as regards who does what and the person who works more outside the home does less housework but a man who values tidiness will not revert to being a manchild.

You say victim blaming. I think this phrase is waa-aay over the top in this context.

Closer to the truth I think is that women fall in love and ignore these untidy traits (as when you're in love they're bearable) but when habituation sets in, it becomes an issue as the rose-tinted specs come off.

This is how people are. It's not that the menchildren have changed it's their partner sees them for the first time as they are!

Then you get the whingeing, then the contempt, then the divorce.

OK, well I think you're wrong but we've done about three rounds of this now so let's stop. Its not something we can prove either way. By 'victim blaming' I just meant shorthand really for turning it back to the problem being the woman's fault. Obviously its not 'victim' in the traditional sense, but we see it far too often..man behaves badly in a way that damages a relationship or family and woman is blamed for not having a crystal ball.

Yeah OK. Fair enough. 😁

Yep

If I’m naive about that (which I’m not) then you’re about naive about women’s inability to communicate properly.

Lol, oh yes indeed.

"Out of the blue"...

That seems like something an incel would write. It is neither a healthy nor an accurate view of the reality of life.

Bollox. A pretty face and thick wallet might get you to the altar quicker, but being lazy and disrespectful to a spouse is a sure fire way to get you to the divorce court even faster.