AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

I live on my own. If there’s something that needs doing and I don’t do it, no other fucker will.
As I said to my ex, if there’s something that needs doing and you don’t do it, that means you just think some other cunt will. Which means you think I’m a cunt.
Do you think your wife is a cunt and your slave, OP?

Ah so woman's fault again. Got it.

If you’ve just put the last clean school jumper in the dirty wash basket then it’s time to put a wash on or you’ll have no clean ones for school tomorrow.

All of my experiments end the same way…

Feeding the kids at a child-friendly time rather than waiting for me to start dinner / the kids to meltdown due to hanger. Drives me nuts.

Everyone has the responsibility to pick worthy partners. You need to screen people for positive qualities. You dont just pick one with a degree and a trust fund and hope for the best.

Have you asked for some specific examples? I'd think it was things like 'the kids don't have much clean uniform left, I'd better put a wash on before they run out', or 'the milk / bread is running low, I should buy some more today so that everyone has breakfast in the morning'. Rather than waiting til it's an urgent problem.

I stead of being passive aggressive, have you ever just spoken about it to your husband amd life partner?

@GlovedhandsCecilia 😂😂

Mine hasn't got a degree or a trust fund. That would have been nice. Maybe I could go back 28 years to when we first met...

Children need meals at predictable time. That whining noise you hear is because you thought it would be easier to wait for someone else to feed them rather than starting dinner at the usual time.

So he's not even got money but you still do all the work? Why?!

Christ knows. Probably because he can make me laugh and puts up with a lot of my foibles. Now - he does make dinner every night, which is a big plus.

@GlovedhandsCecilia also...a lot of what is being talked about is not apparent until you have kids. Most people can look after their own adult selves and usually do but its when kids come along that generate lots of extra tasks that don't directly benefit the adult. Women dont get special classes in this stuff, they just mostly learn, usually during mat leave. Then, because they're at home more, the man starts leaving more of the general house stuff because wife is at home so thats her job. Arguably acceptable until a) woman goes back to work or b) whatever time child goes to be at which point she gets to clock off and some of the domestic tasks that benefit man like hoovering, emptying dishwasher etc can be done by him. But by then the details of childcare, school apps etc have already been adopted by mum so dad just doesn't register it unless he makes a conscious and deliberate effort too. And its boring and annoying, so who's goimg to volunteer for that?

Also - I'm not materialistic and it never occurred to me at the time

The kids take packed lunches every day. My DH never empties the lunch boxes and puts them freezer blocks back in the freezer on the days he picks them up, so the next morning when I come to do their packed lunches the freezer blocks are room temp and the lunch boxes are full of manky banana skin etc. it’s a two minute job, it makes life so much easier then next morning, and he’s a very capable man who is senior in his workplace. It honestly enrages me. Lazy and thoughtless.

This could get very 'meta', in that the OP should probably have anticipated these answers - thus negating the premise for the thread itself 🤔

See I knew that wouldnt be the case because my husband comes from a big family where he was actively demonstrating those skills when we met. I'd seen him holding babies, feeding babies, looking after old people, herding kids, cuddling kids, cleaning his home after kids etc.

Take my neighbour for example, she thinks it's bad to expect her older kids to do anything for the younger ones. So even though those kids have been around babies and toddlers, their practical skills in childcare arent being rehearsed at all. Society will ensure the girl knows enough to be a safe mother, perhaps, but this is probably the boy's only chance to develop these skills and he's being prevented from doing so.

Does your husband blame you for these things going wrong? He sounds abusive.

We come from a background where our parents worked and the kids were at home a lot by ourselves. If our parents ever came home and the house wasnt immaculate with dinner cooked, we would all be in trouble. That was the same for all kids from my background and your sex was irrelevant. A woman who has just boys isn't going to lose those expectations.

I’m actually really cross that women on here are falling over themselves to do the mental work on behalf of this lazy bloke! What are you all doing?

Yeah ok but that's pretty unusual in the UK. Most people grow up with one or two siblings close in age so they don't have to be doing anything much for anyone else prior to parenthood. Its a learned behaviour. The problem.is that women have to learn it first when on mat leave and their life changesbeyind recognition..the man often gets on pretty much with life as normal before kids came along and simply chooses not to notice.

They are projecting.

Knowing what is coming up and planning accordingly. So if one of you has a car which has to go to the garage for its MOT or is away with work and a DC has a dentist appointment on the same day then this needs planning. This level of planning is always tricky for my DH. He's flexible enough but he can't / won't plan.

When the dishes are piled up on the worktop, the dishwasher needs to go on and I shouldn’t have to say. When there is pee on the toilet seat, it needs cleaning and I shouldn’t have to say. When I’m tired/not well someone else needs to be thinking about what food shopping we need/which forthcoming kids parties need a gift buying for/which of his family members have a birthday coming up/whether there is enough money in our joint account to cover the payment that’s about to come out for our holiday/whether there are specific items in the wash basket that need to be hand washed and can’t go in the machine…

I hope that helps!

Teen DS had a growth spurt a couple of years ago. DH kept making jokes about his school trousers and asking if he was expecting a flood so he clearly noticed his trousers were too short but it wouldnt occur to him to actually go online and order new ones