AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

What jobs has she asked you to do in the past? Think about whether you really need to be asked to these. Could you have noticed that it needed to be done without being told to do it?

Your partner is annoyed that she has to ask you to do something like she would a child when really you should be adult enough to do them without being asked.

Eg in Easter holidays you might have the kid’s’ friends over do have a few goodies in the house.

Bin goes out on a certain day.

Certain things need to be in the house eg dishwasher tablets, toilet roll, sink unblocker, towels need to be washed, they don’t just magically appear!!

the Calendar needs to have things written into it and birthday presents need to be bought ahead of time …

op what was it in relation to? The other thing is our minds are going all the time, It’s not so easy to tap into everything but then it is annoying when eg I forget to put the bins out so they don’t get put out at all and dh says ‘oh I didn’t think of it’- I’ve had to think of it for the last 15 years and have regularly said ‘WE need to put out the bin tomorrow’ (I’m emphasising the we, I amn’t passive aggressive about it!!)

Id say just see what is normally magically there and start helping!!!

i don't agree, its ignoring all of the "basic standards" that have been done and asking me to do more - its creating a hyperbolic sense of 'standards' to get me to do more chores. I would argue that having spent a lot of time cooking, cleaning, sorting bills etc that maybe DP could then do the "basic standards" that they demand

if i spend an hour amking a nice tea, and they spend 10 minutes doing the washing up is that equal division of labour? its amazxing how often DP puts on a wash but is not around to do the time consuming bit of hanging it up/folding it/putting it away

creating an illusionary sense that i don';t have "basic standards" is a toxic way to guilt trip ones partner into doing even more than they might already do

hence me saying that if somebody says that the other person should "anticipate things" is not a healthy way foir a relationship to be, it is not targetted or actionable other than for one person to constantly be on egg shells trying to read the others mind.

Simplke division of chores should be talked about like grown ups - its not about "anticipating things"

9 times out of 10 it's me who cooks dinner in our house. Pretty much every time, I have the ask my husband to set the table, and usually have to specify what this includes ie "get everyone a drink" otherwise he won't think to do it. On the rare occasion he does this spontaneously, he appears to expect congratulations. He's wonderful in many other ways, but one of these days I might kill him because of this.
That sort of thing.

Do you do things like emptying all of the bins the day before bin day and then putting the bins out?

If you have DC do you make sure all of their clothes are clean and ready for the week ahead?

Do you clean the fridge before going doing the food shopping?

When was the last time you planned and organised a night out or a holiday?

It's cleaning out the fridge because there's stuff in there that's gone off

And before that there's using up stuff before it goes off, or putting it in the freezer so its not wasted.

It's seeing the carrots that need using and thinking 'I'll make a stew' but first you need to buy potatoes and onions and take the stewing beef out of the freezer'.

Or you get to the shop and see that pork is on offer so its a third the price of beef and you could do with saving money this month so you buy that instead because it will do a few days worth of dinners but then you'll need rolls to make sandwiches the next day and sides to go with a pulled pork type meal.

Etc etc etc. The amount of effort required to run a household well and cost effectively is enormous and its infuriating if you're the only one who's putting the effort in and you live with someone who's undoing all your efforts or failing to do things which to you are blindly obvious.

Also doing something useful like unloading the dishwasher while the kettle is boiling instead of staring at your phone.

Like a PP says, if you can anticipate things at work and don't need to be spoon fed or micro managed, you can also do it at home, like your wife is already doing.

As everyone else has said I would imagine she means housework and/or planning things.

E.g.
Does the dishwasher need emptying? Bins need taking out? Vacuum need taking round? Are the washing baskets overflowing or has the washing machine cycle finished and clothes waiting to be hung to dry? Have the meals been planned for the week and shop been done? What are you going to do at the weekend? Are there any birthdays/celebrations coming up that need presents or cards buying for?

Lots of things that generally women need to think about and anticipate on a daily basis, and that’s without kids thrown into the mix. Also not asking ‘tell me what needs to be done/you want me to do’ as if it’s her job to make a list.

For me it’s realising that the thing you’re currently doing isn’t the end point. So there might be five things that need to happen in a sequence before a set time. Eg before school, kids need to get up, have breakfast, get ready, brush teeth, put shoes and coats on and leave. If those things don’t happen in a timely way then we are late for school. If school bags aren’t sorted the night before, we are late for school. If they need a packed lunch then the stuff needs to have been bought in advance and time allowed to prepare it, or we are late for school. Just waking them up and then wandering off to do your own thing/ a massive poo/ doom scroll/ read a book and congratulate yourself on how helpful you’re being, means that we are late for school.

She's asking you to be more like her, think like her and behave like her.

Good luck.

I've never known anyone to run an experiment which didn't end like this !

My experiment was bathroom cleaning (after having agreed DH would clean bathrooms weekly).

Now I have black mould I can't get rid of. And a cleaner.

Read this:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

and also imagine she wasn’t there and just get on with it.

my friend was a wfh professional but one day she had an important meeting in town so she asked her husband to take the primary aged kids to school.
she is getting ready to
go when she realises he hasnt
got them ready for school - oh he says- did you mean me to do that as well?

Fair play to you for asking the question! Can I suggest you watch some of the content from dobetterjonathan. He does great posts for men on how to do better in the house. There is some great advice for from other posters here too.

There is nothing more frustrating than an otherwise capable adult seemingly unable to understand that the children need their teeth brushed every night, the kitchen needs cleaning after dinner, the groceries need to be bought every week and that clean clothes require a process of washing, drying and folding every time.

My guess is that this is not about mind reading but more about sharing the mental load so that she doesn’t have to think of everything. She shouldn’t have to ask you to do things as if you are a small child.

You should be able to see what is quite obvious: the kitchen is dirty, the bin needs to go out, the children need to start getting ready for bed.

And before you say, but I don’t know HOW, I can only ask if you’ve had your eyes closed for your entire marriage, because she has been doing these things right in front of you the whole time. Also you’re an adult. You’ll work it out.

If you want to have something for dinner from the freezer don’t peer into it when she gets home from work and say we could have eaten this but it’s frozen….

FFS here we have another lazy man asking women to do the mental work for him instead of working it out for himself.
OP assuming you’re a functional member of society with average intelligence, I’m sure you can think this through yourself if you just put in a little effort.

As most others have said, I don't think it's supposed to be as mysterious as it sounds. Be proactive rather than reactive. Do you do your fair share of housework and chores? Rather than waiting to be asked to do something (glaringly obvious), look around and see what needs doing so she doesn't have to ask or tell you. It drives me mad when I'm asked "do you need help with anything?" and there's washing up, laundry and a dirty bathroom just sitting there. It's exhausting and resentful to have to ask or direct your partner to do stuff when you're supposed to be a team and then you both feel like you're being nagged. Open your eyes, and remember upcoming birthdays etc and broach the subject before your wife in a "should I order a gift for so and so?"

When he outsources thinking about what needs to be done.

Maybe you should anticipate when she's in a bad mood or being particularly needy 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you asked her what exactly she wants you to anticipate?

Fail to plan and organise something nice for my birthday.

Here's an example of getting it wrong. Don't do what my exP did.

When the day arrives, say, ' oh its your birthday, go to your parents house for 3 hours and me and the kids will organise a little party for you'. This is not showing initiative, it's being a thoughtless lazy tosser. My response: ' Did you not know it was my birthday?! No, I don't want to spend my birthday sitting around at my parents while you open a bag of crisps'. So you tell the kids ' Mummy doesn't want a party.' Kids upset and crying.

The gist of it is: start being an adult. Think. Care. Notice. Get off your phone or whatever you distract yourself with. Make an effort. Open your eyes and see whats in front of you. Think ahead. If you have a job, have an ounce of intellect, I should not have to spell it out to you how exP could have done it better. Or how you can do better at life at home. If you are making life worse for your DW, rather than enhancing it, you have no right to expect to continue to be her H.

Does your wife accompany you to your job and tell you what needs doing or do you just manage it by using your own brain instead of hers? It’s not ‘work = man brain, home = woman brain’ is it. You’re meant to be equal partners. You both live there, you’re both responsible for the management of the home/kids/pets/cars. Stuff doesn’t just happen by magic, it takes effort. It’s exhausting when one person doesn’t do their share. It’s always the man. But it definitely isn’t all men.

Do you know your kids’ friends’ names?
and their parents? And teachers?
are you an active participant on the class WhatsApp? Or do you just show up for the dads’ night out? Do you have a signature dish that you show off about but which leaves a trail of destruction and don’t get involved in the shopping cleaning and
preparing of all the boring daily meals?

Indeed. It's pretty gormless really.

If you have children they grow, so their clothes need replacing before they get too small.

This costs money so you might need to put some by each month so you can afford it when needed.

If you need something like school uniforms these often sell out so you might need to buy them well before they actually need them, ie if you're in England the time to shop for the autumn term is probably in mid July not early September when you get their uniforms out and find they're 2 sizes too small.

There's a website, book and card game called Fair Play, which is the result of research by a group of women frustrated at the imbalance in their home lives in what they and their male partners do and how well its done. That will tell you all you need to know.

How old are your children?

When are their birthdays? What are you going to do to celebrate them? What friendship issues have they got, if any, and do you need to do anything to head those off before deciding who to invite to any celebration? What happens on birthdays at their schools - are they expected to bring stuff to hand out?

What are you doing for Easter, if anything? Are the Easter eggs bought? Are you planning anything like an Easter egg hunt yourselves, or are you going to one locally? If the latter, have you booked it? When do you need to leave? Will you need packed lunches? Is there enough bread in or whatever your children eat?

Are you seeing parents or in-laws this weekend? What’s it like going to their houses - easy, or are they not great with kids, do you need to take a ball or a pack of cards or a jigsaw or some drawing stuff, something to help keep the kids reasonably entertained that the elders can join in with? How are your parents/inlaws? Will you need to stay over, does everyone have clean pjs and if not have you put a wash on? Will you need to go for a walk, have you put wellies, waterproofs, suncream and hats in the car? What’s happening next week, are you off work or are the children going to childcare? What do they need to take, is there enough for lunches in, and if not when are you going to shop for it all?

I did an experiment with changing the beds. When I couldn’t face getting into them at 3 weeks I gave up 🤮