AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

That when the bin is full it needs emptying and he doesn’t need to wait for me to tell him that!

Simple things like taking his own clothes off the clothes horse before being asked, for me. So stuff like sorting, doing or putting away washing for me.
But for your wife it could be meal planning; planning things at the weekend. You really should ask her to be specific cos this sounds like a mental load thing but everyone’s is a little different

I’d imagine this is to do with housework or kids. Do you need to be told to do things rather than take your own initiative?

Nothing my husband tries to anticipate absolutely everything which just ends up making me look completely incompetent when something goes wrong and I should have anticipated it. Examples include toddler falling over while running (shouldn't have let her run, should have anticipated that she might fall) toddler drawing on the table instead of the paper I gave her (shouldn't let her have pens, should have anticipated that she might scribble to much) 5 year old losing a glove (should have put them in my handbag when he took them off, should have anticipated that he would be distracted and not realise it had dropped) the list is endless.

Are these the sorts of things she means?

Also plan celebrations; remember peoples birthdays; take responsibility for appointments like dentists etc. Share the mental load of remembering stuff

I think the first step is getting your head around the fact that things don't just happen. Like if you put washing in the machine it won't just take itself out and off to the dryer or washing line. If you eat the last slice of bread a loaf won't just turn up to replace it.

You're brave!

It's basically thinking about how the house is run and taking a role in it. Ie food doesn't magically appear, the fairies don't put petrol in the car, the insurance doesn't just get paid for.

It's cleaning out the fridge because there's stuff in there that's gone off. It's thinking about what the kids are going to do in the school holiday and booking them into clubs. It's realising the mortgage is up for renewal so needs some research doing.

It's little things like the stuff at the bottom of the stairs needs taking up (and ideally putting away). The sock needs to go in the laundry. This room is a bit of a mess and needs tidying. The parcel by the door needs taking to the post office. The door is creaking, needs some WD40 on it.

Do you take initiative on anything OP? Or just wait to be told to do everything.

Also. Look up the "make a list" song. Maybe you'll start to get it.

OMG yes

I've basically given up after 26 years as the clothes would never move of their own accord (!) off the drying rack.

It's little things like the stuff at the bottom of the stairs needs taking up (and ideally putting away

Yep - that stuff could stay there for at least 3 or 4 weeks... tried it once as 'an experiment' until I got too fed up and did it.

As others have said, it’s about not just expecting life to happen around you. It’s about having your brain switched on and being present.

You make a cup of tea and see the milk is running low, you put it on the shopping list or remember to get some on your way home from work.

You put your socks in the wash basket and see it’s full, you put a load of washing on.

You see it’s nearly 7pm on the clock, you ask yourself if it’s bath night and start getting the kids upstairs ready.

you see the bin is full, you take it out.

Your wife shouldn’t have to be pointing out the most basic things in life to you and giving you instructions.

You’re a self sufficient adult and should act like an equal partner and parent.

Get into the habit of looking around the room you're in and thinking "what needs to be done?"

It honestly is the most frustrating thing to have to constantly tell someone what to do, when they have eyes and can see that the litterbox needs doing, or that the sink is full of dishes.

If you put your son in his football stuff today, you’re going to need to wash and dry it so it’s ready for the class you booked for Saturday.

If you say you’re going up to meet your mates after work today, when are you going to do the supermarket shop because you know we’re both out tomorrow.

You know it’s half-term in three weeks, what childcare have you planned?

You know allergy season is upon us, why didn’t you pick up Benadryl when it was on 2 for 1?

Dont eat the last of the bread as a midnight snack, what will we eat for breakfast tomorrow?

The is called thinking ahead, and thinking about people other than yourself - specifically the children you made and the woman you chose to marry.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNRCssCnm/

The list song

Ffs
Really - no idea?
assuming you have a job:
What would you do in your job -
wait to be asked to complete a routine task that's due, or just do it?
At work, if someone looks like they need help with a task or workload, wait to be asked for help, or step in and help?
Post on mumsnet "my boss wants me to anticipate things more, I have no idea what s/he means. What is the smallestmost specific example of things your employees don't anticipate that infuriates you"? Or have a conversation with your boss about it so you can work on the problem.

Bins, washing, shopping, cooking, tidying, bathing kids - if you can't work out what she needs from amongst that list, I think she'd be better off single.

Your meant to be a mind reader 😂

"anticipate things" sounds like she demands you read her mind

doing simple chores that need doing is not anticipating things, it is seeing stuff that needs doing and doing them.

My DP has used language like this before when we fight, we have set chores (of which i do the huge majority) and so when DP demands even more and uses hyperbolic terms like i just want you to have basic standards or i need you to anticipe this (ignoring the fact that I've probbably cooked twice that day and done two loads of washing, maybe hoovered etc.)

I'd say that is a red flag and you should be very wary

If you get in from work first, start the dinner without being told what to make - just look in the fridge and see what’s there/what needs using.

If you’re making a coffee in the morning, empty the dishwasher while you’re waiting for the kettle to boil.

If you finish the loo roll put the cardboard tube in the bin and replace it with a new roll.

The bathroom could do with a clean, especially the shower screen.

Your mother’s birthday is coming up. What have you bought her? Does it include a card? And wrapping paper?

When do the kid’s next need to go to the dentist for their check up? Have you booked the appointment?

Have you replied to Bob’s party invitation from Geoff? Have you messaged Geoff’s mum to let them know Bob is allergic to cucumber? Have you bought Geoff a present? With a card? And wrapping paper? Do you have sellotape? Where is it?

The bedlinen needs washed, dried, and put back on the bed.

The stairs need vacuumed. You can whip the vacuum round the rest of the house while you’re at it.

Or, you’re meant to look around and see what’s needs to be done. You’re meant to be partners. She’s not your boss or your mother and shouldn’t have to keep telling you what to do.

I’m guessing if she’s telling you to just have basic standards, that you don’t. You shouldn’t have to read her mind. You should be able to work out what needs doing for yourself. Cooking a few dinners and putting in a laundry a few times a week doesn’t even scratch the surface of running a household.

You’re taking your wife out for a slap up meal for her birthday. Have you organised a childminder? A taxi? Getting the childminder to and from your house if needed? Have you tidied the house and bought snacks for the childminder? Do you have the cash or bank details for payment? Do you need to leave instructions about bedtime routines, allergies, who to call in an emergency?

You’re having a barbecue. Do you:

a. Turn on the barbecue and stand there flipping purgers and drinking beer

b. As above but you also organise the shopping including the shopping list, the salads, the sauces, the bread/buns, serving plates, dinner plates, cutlery, glasses, chairs and tables.

Do you clean up after without being told?

Example: I put a wash on last night. As my husband is off today I was about to ask him to hang it out whilst I'm at the gym but when I came down he was already doing it. No need to ask.

This is perfect

@otiose1001 what your wife means is that you are passively putting her into the role of manager and director of home and family life and yourself as casual labourer with no responsibility for thinking ahead, at liberty to sit around doing nothing if no one tells you what to do. Whereas what she needs is a partner in life who will share the whole load - including the "emotional labour" of thinking through what will macimise each person's wellbeing, and the work of keeping track of what needs to be done and balancing long term, medium term and short term goals and needs. Assuming you are a fully functional adult with no learning difficulties there is no special reason why she should be more capable than you of understanding and planning for the thousand things that need doing. Telling you that you need to anticipate more is because she's sick and tired of you onlu doing a thing if she tells you it needs doing, whereas a significant chunk of the workload is keeping track of what needs doing and how to balance things and you are leaving too much of that work to her.

If you see something in the house that needs doing you do it. If you take a big dump in the toilet put some bleach down and give it a clean. Don’t leave your poo skids in the toilet for your wife to clean. If you’re home before your wife make a start on tea don’t wait until she’s home and ask what you’re having.

Scenario:

We're going out for the day. We have 3 small children and a dog who will be staying at home. We have to leave at 11 am.

Do you:

A) Get up, get washed and dressed, have breakfast, potter around, then put shoes on at 10.55am, ready to go. Feel surprised when wifey is running around, huffing and puffing, because you are ready.

B) Get up, get washed and dressed. 10.30 am think 'Children will need hats and gloves, I'll pop them on the counter, and I need to make 3 bottles of squash and put them in a bag.' 10.45 am 'Dog out for a wee. Get children into toilet for a wee'. 10.50 am 'Right kids, let's get those shoes on!'