AIBU? My wife tells me to "anticipate things" and I have no idea what she means.

[otiose1001]

Husband here. My wife frequently tells me I need to "anticipate things" and act before she asks.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be predicting.

What is the smallest, most specific thing your husband fails to anticipate that makes you furious?

she is not your mother

One simple rule - never leave a room empty handed it makes tidying up easier as you go along.

Think about the weekend don’t ask her what’s the plan for the weekend you organise how the kids will go to footy then dancing …. Never ask what’s the plan for the weekend… say so after we have Olivia’s dancing and Harry’s footy what would you like to do Saturday I was thinking of a walk then picnic what do you think of that…

All of your family birthday and events are managed by you

Ask ChatGPT for a home nightly closing list. Think of it like closing a shop or restaurant what things need to be done before bed so everything works well in the mornings… do the kids have a clean uniform, shoes out, dishwasher on, enough milk in the fridge, kitchen bench wiped down etc etc

Anything that needs the tiniest amount of forethought - just get on and do it.
The things that irk me most:
Meal planning and food shopping
Washing - putting it on and then putting it away
Booking childcare or time off work to do childcare

So you decided instead to ask other women to tell you what an adult should know to do to keep a house running/children raised?

She divorced me because https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Illustrating his wife’s point perfectly isn’t he?

Also I often hear husbands say, but I have a
stressful job! I’m too tired when I get home!

Many women have senior, stressful jobs and still somehow manage to run a household, no matter how tired or unwell they feel.

So not a valid excuse.

I shouldn't have to be the only one thinking oh we need more soap/toilet roll/toothpaste when we both use them and my partner goes to the shop to sort his food out but doesn't preempt/replace anything like that. Putting dishes away etc (even with a dishwasher they still seem to hang around.1 he doesn't notice 2. has to be asked to get some/ do something which is then perceived as 'nagging'

Read this after I responded. Hear hear.

Ask school to only contact you about sick children and school events and take that burden on!

Nor come on MN and sub-contract thinking to other women because you can't use your own brain-cells to figure out how to operate as a fully functioning adult male.

ETA - great minds think alike @Malasana @SardinesOnButteredToast

Watch every video on the @ dobetterjonathan account on Instagram and take notes!!

A demonstration of what women call the mental load of family life.

He didn't mention anything about the house or children though.
How do we know it's about that?

For me, it is booking a haircut for my son without me doing it or me telling him to. By ‘anticipate’ in this scenario, it means looking at my son’s hair and thinking, hey that needs a haircut soon, let me book an appointment. But no, it never happens. I do that and allll the kids’ appointments. Another example is the dentist. My son would never have visited a dentist if it weren’t for me. Don’t get me wrong, my DH is lovely and a great husband and does a lot for us and around the house, but that is an example of me still carrying a lot of the mental load.

I know, right.

@otiose1001

Hi mate welcome to the club. Having been on here a while I had a conversation with my friend about this. He didn’t think it was a thing until I asked him how many times in his 20 yr marriage he’d changed the bed sheets without being asked turned out it was never!

Some great examples on here but if you want to be a better boy I’d suggest reading this is how your marriage ends by Matthew Fray and if it rings a bell back it up with Eve Rodsky’s Fair play. Putting a bit of effort in is much cheaper than a divorce and sorting mundane stuff out without being asked is surprisingly attractive I quickly realised 👍

Before you wife asks you, do the things she does without you having to nag her.

1.buy childrens shoes/clothes/school uniform when the old ones are starting to get snug.

1. Buy childrens birthday & Christmas presents, or initiate the conversation about what to buy.
2. Plan meals & order groceries.
3. Order more cleaning products, soap, shampoo & loo roll before they run out.
4. Scrub the toilet & wipe down surfaces in the home. If you have a cleaner do this in between visits.
5. Get meat/fish out of the freezer in the morning and start the dinner unprompted.
6. Plan a play date for your child with another parent & be the one to supervise it.
7. Be the first one out of bed and sorting the kids/dog at least one day every weekend, without prompting.

😃😃

She means the mental load. Booking kids dental appointments, seeing if their nails need cutting, etc etc ad infinitum

Running out of milk.

What nonsense.

Seeing things that need doing + doing them is only half of it. You need to think ahead.

"anticipate things" sounds like she demands you read her mind

• no, it is as PP have said, if your son gas a football match on Saturday then if he wears the kit tomorrow and gets it muddy it will need turned around quickly so either put him in something else or make sure you get it turned around in time.

Do obvious things like put the dishes in the dish washer and turn it on rather than leaving it to her. Put fuel in the car when it's getting low rather than leaving it for her with the warning light on.
If she's late home, do kids' bath & bed without her. Sort laundry and put the first load on to wash.

Basically, if you have a spare few minutes don't waste them reading the footie results, look around you, think about what needs doing (food, washing, tidying, cleaning) and do it.

Watching my dsis and her husband always makes me laugh. If dsis goes to make the early morning cuppa, she empties the dish washer, takes supper out of the freezer and waters the herbs on the windowsill while waiting for the kettle to boil. If her dh goes, he stares vacantly out of the window for five minutes. 😁

This doesn’t apply to mine, but judging by Mumsnet, the fact that people need to eat every evening. That birthdays and Christmas happen every year.

His failure to anticipate that him faking inability to see there are things he needs to do regularly without instruction every time will make me furious.

We both know he is faking because he manages to complete tasks at work without constant supervision.

When your wife gets sick, does the house fall apart? If the answer is yes, she’s carrying a lot more than you. A lot depends on your set up, in our 2 parent working household, these are the things that only one of us remembers (& gets frustrated about):

• kids washing done for when they need (twice a week). Partner washing every 1.5 to 2 weeks and machines so full? He doesn’t add the kids stuff
• Wraparound care scheduled with school
• 13 weeks of school holidays mapped out and planned (cover)
• school forms complete and payments made
• Homework done
• Not remembering school pick up times or which ones are his pick up/drop off.
• Extracurriculars booked and paid termly
• All the different things school ask for are done
• Beds changed and washed weekly
• Kids clothes ironed
• Starting the bedtime routine in time to get everything done
• Making sure DD has had baths or showers frequently through the week
• Heading out, make sure kids have gone to the loo and supplies packed (coat, hat, sunglasses, sun cream, water bottles, snacks etc)
• Holidays booked and saved up for
• Making sure DD has had a substantial breakfast when she gets up before anything else to stop a meltdown
• Are the toiletries running low? Do you have enough ingredients to make the next few meals? Is there stuff in for the packed lunch
• Tidying up after the kids rather than just your own stuff
• Having dinner made before child in meltdown
• Having a few gifts stocked for birthdays
• Buying kids clothes and shoes when needed
• Preparing for birthdays. Same for Christmas, asking 2 days before if we need to get anything or sort anything is too late
• Prioritising family and kid time

The list could go on. He is more than competent in managing in the workplace, therefore this is him choosing to act this way at home

Just don’t live like a single man in a family home whilst using the services of one