AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

No law says you have to accept this and him in your life....
I'd be ending the marriage..

I'd end the marriage.

He is a selfish prick.

He has chosen cigarettes over you and the kids.

You aren't forced into accepting it though.

You either accept it, and stop being so angry. Or you choose to draw a line in your marriage.

I guess I just feel worn down by it. He says it is an addiction but I feel like I have supported him in quitting originally and that my views just don't matter at all.

his family all think I am being unreasonable and controlling about it, that I had no right to ever have this conversation with him. I feel like they have basically helped him in lying to me for years.

I think accepting it in the sense I cannot change it so I need to make peace with it and not feeling betrayed and tricked and gaslit are different.

i don't know how to change my feelings about it

I am so sorry. This is just such a sad experience for you. You had many periods where you could have more easily broken it off with him and he either lied to you or believed falsely that he could do it (stop dmoking for you.)

Now you have the same choice to make but you have more to lose: relationship, house, finances, time with children.

I think if you still love him you can issue another ultimatum. There is more anti addiction knowledge know: hypnotism, patches, glp-1, cbt. There are lots more anti smoking techniques.

But he has to want to end the relationship with smoking. And he may not want to. If he won’t would you rather keep him sexless/loveless/ angry or would you rather move on before he gets or gives lung cancer?

I think he is very good at saying the right by thing.

we had some relationship support a year ago and I said the smoking was still causing issues for me. He said he would stop, go to the gp for support etc and a year later nothing has happened. Yes I could mention it again and help make the appointments but I feel resentful and like he has to do it himself rather than me pressuring it.

i am not sure how it impacts his health. He really struggles to get up in the morning and his o2 drips to 88-90 at night when he is lying down. I have told him multiple times to go to the doctors and he says he will but doesn't. I am pretty sure (this is me surmising) because he knows they will say he needs to stop amoking

You don't have to change your feelings. You're feelings are valid of course, but you are married to a smoker. So you either need to find a way to accept that yiu are married to a smoker or leave him if you don't want to.

It's only gaslighting if he has been smoking without ever actually quitting in the last 15 years or so since he first quit. But it sounds like he had quit, and had a few small relapses throughout the years and now is fully smoking again... thats unfortunately the life of many addicts.

I would give him an ultimatum. He has ruined the relationship. Him not you.

With true hindsight I don't think he ever truly gave up.

there were too many occasions when I could smell it and asked and he said he'd been around others. Or always having a lighter on him that he said he'd needed at woke. I don't know, this makes me feel both stupid and naive.

I think it's the lying and gaslighting that are causing me to feel bitter and angry. And that my initial choice was taken away.

if he'd been upfront and said he enjoyed it and didn't want to give up. Or that it was too difficult and he was trying x, y and z but struggling then I would at least feel more understanding.

he would say I caused the stressful situation so almost took it as an opportunity to start smoking fully and not attempting to hide it

I would be really interested to hear from the people that think I am unreasonable and why they believe this

Me and dh are ex smokers. We vape now (like it of dislike it). It baffles me how we could have smoked for so long. Everything must have reeked of fags. I get where you’re coming from OP.

I guess if I am being unreasonable I need help to rationalise and understand his behaviour. Not the smoking, I get addiction.

the lying about it and calling me controlling. I genuinely don't feel like I am being but happy to hear otherwise

He won’t stop, because he doesn’t want to.

He has told you what you want to hear for years while continuing to smoke behind your back.

You gave him plenty of opportunities to tell you the truth so you could make a decision based on that, and he chose not to.

Yea the smell is so obvious and undeniable but I believed for years it was other people or from something else.

gulliable or he's telling the truth? I just don't know

I also feel the fact that he has smoked with family and friends even though they're aware of him "giving up" and why is like they're all deceiving me and laughing at me behind my back. And he is leading it I guess

@OneTwinklyBird It really is. If I walk past fag smoke in the street it’s absolutely awful. You can smell it on people in Tesco. Ingrained into their clothes and hair but I’m assuming they’re very heavy smokers. I’d say your DH has been having a crafty fag all along. I wouldn’t have been happy with his mother trying to shield him at the wedding. Odd. She should’ve told him to put it out.

Oh no I don’t see it as that sort of piss take. I doubt very much they’re all in cahoots but because you feel so strongly it can make you think like that.

Ok that's reassuring.

definitely his mum and sisters are aware and have been for years and helped him conceal it from me. They told me this was because I'm being controlling an I need to stop and let him make his own choices.

and one of his closest friends, they've been fishing and as I walked over he has handed the cigarette over to his mate - he was just holding it for him. Is that even a thing?

You have the softest "hard line" I've ever heard of

He knows your threats are completely empty and can be safely ignored

I guess I want to believe him and want to be unreasonable. And to be told I'm unfair and controlling. It's the easier option.

are you so wealthy that your kids wouldn’t benefit from £20 a day? I feel he’s lied to you and has been supported by his family in doing that. I’d find it difficult to get over that.

lol it was a hard line before we started dating but then once you have kids and you're lives are so intwined as his mum say are you going to break your kids hearts over a cigarette or two, how will you tell them that when they're older without them hating you ...

I am finding it difficult.

I look back at his sisters wedding when he was sat with his entire family and his mum was trying to distract and intercept me and I was upset.

and told it's just cos it's her wedding don't make a big scene and make things difficult in her special day etc.

then the following morning it's all blown over and expected to act like everything is normal

i feel like a complete mug