AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

So you knew him from 11 and he was smoking. Even worse, you knew exactly full well what you got into.

@OneTwinklyBird if you love him and you’re prepared to see past this then you need to let it go and accept him for who he is.

If this really is an issue and it’s getting to the point that it’s a dealbreaker- then leave.

Tbf you've had lots of responses telling you that yiu ar absolutely not unreasonable.

But you are trying to find a way of hanging on to this marriage and asking people if they really would LTB etc... when the decision can't really be taken in isolation. If there are other issues (which I now believe there are), then honestly I think maybe you should do some soul searching. You deserve to be happy. You have medical issues and you are sleeping a bloody couch ffs... what kind of a man is he allowing that?

Every marriage will likely have issues at some point, but if they aren't easily resolved etc then perhaps it is time to put yourself first.

I think maybe you were naive to think he stopped smoking given you've known him from childhood. And I think if he won't give up smoking for YOU and YOUR KIDS, then that just shows he isn't interested in salvaging the marriage.

Well, I don't know about the smoking itself, that's a personal boundary, but regardless of that I don't know how you get over 15 years of gaslighting and lying.

And people leave their spouses for their untreated addictions all the time. The fact it's an addiction doesn't mean you have to accept it.

Unfortunately addictions often leave other people having to choose the least-shitty out of a bunch of really shitty options.

You say you don’t want to muddy the waters by mentioning your other relationship issues but tbh you have said enough already. It’s one thing to consider whether you would end a perfect marriage over smoking - yes, if it was a hard line for me - but it’s not really a helpful question to ask in this case because a) you don’t have a perfect marriage from the sounds of it and b) it’s not actually just smoking - there’s also the lies and issues with his family.

I don't know what I'd do in your place, either.
I think the hardest part of this is the lying and deceit. You probably don't really trust anything he says. Also, the thought of his mother and sisters being complicit in the deceit. They probably think they're "getting one over on you". That would really upset me. He is choosing to ruin his health and diminish your happiness and marriage for something that if he only tried harder he could change. But he doesn't want to.
So depressing. I really feel for you OP. 💐

You say you didn't want to be with a smoker and yet you married a smoker. Why did you compromise on your values? There are some things we shouldn't compromise on because they are important to us. So I voted YABU because you didn't stay true to yourself and the life you wanted.

I’m a smoker and I dread the day my DC realise (which they will eventually). DH quit before the DC were born. I quit when pregnant but it crept back in on nights out and has always been a bit of a crutch for me.

One thing I haven’t done though is lie. Not to my DH and I won’t to my DC either. I feel very strongly about owning this awful habit. If I’m honest then I can tell my DC all the reasons why they should never start, as opposed to pretend it was never something I fell foul of.

What I’m trying to say is, the smoking I could accept. It is what it is. The lying? No. That would cross a line for me. The colluding with his family and making you out to be a psycho? No. You either have my back and we are a team or I don’t want to share my life with you.

It would be a divorce for me. I cannot stand smoking or vaping. Fortunately, my DH has the same views as me.

I think the issue here is the lying - over 15 years. What else does he lie about? What else WOULD he lie about… and how much would his family continue to collude in helping him sustain that lie?

So yes, this would be a deal breaker for me - my DH was a smoker when I met him and largely gave up as I refused to date him. I was aware of rare lapses on big nights out with the boys over the years and he does vape now (but I hate that too - it triggers my asthma and looks bloody stupid IMHO) but not in front of me or in/around our home. I’ve let that pass as I know he is very stressed and, well, because although he is discrete about it, he doesn’t lie about it.

Lying is a hard line for me - long history of maternal abuse/lying/gaslighting [and chain smoking!] so I’d not come back from this.

I would leave.

I left my ex husband because he was addicted to both drugs and online gaming, and refused to stop. I didn't WANT to. It fucking hurt and I was shattered, but I left.

He wanted to have a baby, and I refused to have a child with someone who was an addict of any description.

Absolute deal breaker for me

His parents sound like characters out of 'Shameless'. Who on earth buys cigarettes for their 13 year old son?

Even without her encouraging your husband to smoke, your MIL sounds like an interfering nightmare who is trying to cause trouble. Unfortunately, she has succeeded and he has taken his family's side over you.

Your husband lying to you for years is a big deal, particularly as you made it very clear at the start of your relationship that you could never be with a smoker so if he wanted to have a long-term relationship, he needed to stop smoking. He pretended to do so which is a huge betrayal, leaving aside the impact on your and your children's health.

The long-term deceit and the smoking are both very good reasons for you to end your marriage.

My ExH did exactly this.

Notice he's Ex

I think the lying would be my biggest stumbling block. Me and my Dh are both ex smokers and my dm would trot out the old ‘None so pure as the purified’ but I absolutely hate the smell. Her house is unbearable. I refuse to stay there, it’s disgusting. God knows how long the smell will take to go when I come to sell it (she’s nearly 90).

I think you need to confront him re leaving ends around-why doesn’t he clear up? And what has he said re knowing you don’t want to be with a smoker? Do you spend time at his family’s house? Add up how much it’s costing, that alone would surely be a big issue for me. I think he’s clearly never really stopped.

Smoking is horrid and a waste of money but it's a really strong addiction. People can stop and start over the years, it's hard to kick for many people. My parents smoked and I can remember them years after giving up still craving a ciggy, they told me it was most days thinking about smoking.

OP, I understand you don't want to be lied to. I understand don't want to see him die horribly of something. It's up to you of course if this is a deal breaker, but I don't think I could break up with someone I loved and spent so many years together over smoking, esp if he could go back to vaping. Cheaper and less smelly.

Marriage is not a life sentence, so yes I'd leave. However I wouldn't have continued to go out with a smoker as it's not something I'd want in my life

This is actually the deal breaker for me. He might be on the path to premature death already, and won't address it. In your position, this is an anxiety I could not live with.

I would absolutely put my foot down about this and tell him you are either accompanying him to the gp or , if he won't go, then you will go along yourself and tell them how worried you are about your husband..(I think we know this might not lead to any action from the GP, but im hoping he wouldn't know this)

An evil part of me might also threaten to tell the children you were worried about daddy stopping breathing in the night and ask them.if they can help daddy be a brave daddy and go to the doctors ..

I stress it would be very wrong to actually do that, but I do think he should have to think about that one.

If he is happy for you to go ahead and tell the kids you're worried he might die in the night,that would at least tell you what kind of father he is .

If my husband started smoking I would 100% leave him, regardless of how long we'd been married. The smell makes me want to be sick and there is zero way I'd put up with constantly feeling sick in my own home. Even if it caused me financial difficulties, it'd be worth it.

That said, it does sound like you knew on some level what you were getting into before you married him. Being angry about it without action isn't going to help so you need to make a decision. Is there a spare room you can move into so that at least you're not as exposed to the smell while you're trying to sleep?

When you knew that being with a smoker was not the life you wanted to live. Your life is yours to live how you want - this decison remains with you, it is literally your choice. It doesn't depend on anyone's else choices or how someone else wants to live their life.

Don’t ever do that to your children OP, in fact ignore all of the advice in this post. You don’t need to go to his GP, or use the kids in some weird game to test his reaction - it’s controlling and unhinged.

Your husband is a grown man. He knows the risks. You cannot control another adult, so your only choice is to accept it or leave. That’s it.

What I've taken from this is, you have been lied to, gaslit, manipulated by your husband's family, you have an unhealed wound from surgery but it's you who has been sleeping on the sofa for a year.
What you haven't done is give one good reason why you and your children would be worse off (disregarding financially) without this person in your lives.

If you gave him an ultimatum 3 months to quit completely or it’s over what do you think he would choose you or the cigarettes?

When I was young it wouldn’t have bothered me both myself and exh smoked, I gave up at 30.

Now it would be a deal breaker, I wouldn’t want my kids growing up around a smoker or a family of smokers.

The issue is u said it was a deal breaker but it wasn’t really and once you didn’t leave he knew that. Now you either have to accept it or leave him.

Ok