AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

I’m sorry, but I think you had your head in the sand. He was a smoker,end of, if it was a dealbreaker for you then you would’ve walked away. It’s not for him to be given the ultimatum, it’s for you to make the decision. You made your decision and you stayed.

What ages are your children?
What do they think of their farther smoking?
Are you concerned that their father smoking will affect their health?
Will your children grow up to think that smoking is normal and become smokers themselves?

Why would anyone start smoking twenty years after they had given up? I don't find that a reasonable scenario?
And to answer your question, no I could not tolerate being married to a smoker, so if my husband did start smoking again he would be gone.

I understand this, it was a bit more complex than that.

we went to primary school together, we had been best friends since age 4/5. We had so many what if conversations over the years and he knew how much of a deal breaker this was for me, he knew it was the reason we had never got together or even kissed so he decided to give up. I knew him and trusted him implicitly so yes my instinct was to believe him

Because addicts relapse, because it's just one cigarette and my understanding is the craving never goes away. I don't know, I have never smoked

All under 10. Yes they probably normalise it, but all their aunts, uncles and grandparents smoke so I'm constantly fighting a losing battle.

his brother died at 40 from lung cancer and doctors attributed it to smoking and none of his family stopped, but we have different attitudes towards smoking. From this thread it seems quite a polarising thing

I doubt it. I don’t suppose they’ve given you a thought.

Yeah I wouldn’t have stayed with him, not a hope in hell. It’s a huge turn off…so I don’t understand why you did tbh.

I think you’re more upset with yourself than you are with him. There were so many signs in the past that you chose to ignore, despite your hardline. You can’t do anything about the past but you certainly can do something about the future.

Your DH breaking up your family over smoking, selling the house, two homes for the kids, a whole new life - yes, it’s all scary, but there are also scarier things out there. As someone who hates smoking, I would include the impact of smoking on your home and your DH’s health in the “scarier” category

At what point? After the one cigarette at his sisters wedding? When we were married and I suspected but unsure. After kids when I caught him? When should I have walked?

Was he smoking when you dated?

More fool you. You knew exactly what you were marrying into. Smoking at 11, a family of smokers so it’s really not a surprise. I think you either accept this is part of your life or leave.

No. I would not date a smoker, I was clear about that. I never even kissed him until he "gave up"

When you knew he was a smoker from 11 and he came from a family of smokers

At each of the first two points. After kids, I would have given him an ultimatum and a chance to stop, then I would have left him.

Sympathy, OP, I think it's really tough. I would hate it in your situation too.

I don't think it's helpful to frame it as gaslighting. That's a deliberate attempt to mess with your head. This is just straightforward lying, possibly coupled with a bit of lying to himself about how he'll be able to give up. But the stuff is very addictive and here he is.

Yes, you are being controlling, but not in an unreasonable way. You were very up front and he had a choice. And it's perfectly reasonable to be upset about the ongoing lying. And the way he's stopped making an effort.

On the money side, do you each have your own fun money? Would this be an option? Seeing the cigarettes take a significant chunk out of that might focus the mind. And it takes away your resentment of 'he's spending money we could use to do X with'.

I'm sure there's loads of nuance I don't appreciate, there's bound to be.

How did the Giving Up go, how did he go about it, and at what point did you decide it had worked so you'd start a relationshp with him? It would be tricky to put it down overnight because of an external influence and never be tempted again, especially being surrounded by a family of smokers.

I would feel the same about being married to an alcoholic, but there is zero chance I would marry someone who had been drinking daily since the age of 11, and came from a family of alcoholics, knowing what little I do about addiction, as the chance of stopping overnight without some serious professional back up without relapse would be close to nil.

Three things I have gotten from comment:

1. You don't want to be a single mum, understandable... but do you want your kids to grow up thinking it's OK to smoke? Do you want them around a smoker full time? I understand if you split, he'd smoke wherever he went to live but the kids would likely be with you majority of the time.

1. You sleep on the sofa for a year... why? Are there other marital issues? Do your kids not question this? Sleeping on a sofa permanently isn't healthy.

1. You can play Uno with one less player...!

So he was smoking when you started talking? You see for me it’s easy. I see a guy and I think he’s handsome or I think he’s a nice guy. The moment I know he’s a smoker cards are off the table. It’s an absolute no go. So no, I wouldn’t have even started dating him.

We went to primary school together, he has been part of my life forever. We have been friends forever

we always think people will change for us don't we

I don't want to muddy the waters with other marital issues, I think it may colour the responses and I genuinely want thoughts on this issue in particular.

i hope that's not consider drip feeding, but i am compartmentalising

I find it hard to believe that a smoker would suddenly start again after 20 years of not smoking. According to you however, you suspect your husband might have been smoking all along, and he has been vaping which is an entirely different scenario.
I would notice immediately if anyone had been smoking and came near me.
Our situations are entirely different but only you can ultimately decide what you will put up with/ignore. It's your choice.

I was a smoker although not as addicted as your dh, I quit a few years ago now but there are still times when I really want one and it's only my own determination not to that stops me buying any, I genuinely feel once you're addicted there is always a part of you that is and it takes strong willpower to say no, his family are clearly not helping by encouraging it and giving him cigarettes at 11?! Shocking! I think you need to decide now what's best for you leave him and deal with the consequences of that or accept he's not going to stop because it doesn't sound like he is going to to be honest.

I would never live with a non-meat eater. A teetotaler. Or a person who doesn't like to travel. Or a non-atheist. And many other things. So naturally I wouldn't start dating a vegetarian/vegan and try to badger him into eating meat. Or try and force a non-drinker to have a beer with me. That way crazy lies.

If you wanted a non-smoker, you should have found one. Ultimately he doesn't want to quit, probably never did, and he won't in the future. How much do you have a right to badger an adult and force him to adhere to your rules - I don't know. But it's not going to work anyway, if he doesn't want it. And he clearly doesn't. So leave, if it's a dealbreaker for you.

You're asking if people would leave 'over one thing'. Well, smoking doesn't bother me at all, I vape myself. But say, I married an atheist. And suddenly he'd 'find god'. I couldn't respect a person who believes in such fantasies, so yes, I would leave. And left in the past, due to other dealbreakers.