AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

That's understandable you're very anti smoking.
Yeah, the whole culture of him being bought cigarettes by his family when underage is a real shame. A decent parent would never ever encourage their kids to smoke. Even if they did so themselves. It's not surprising the addiction for him is so strong.

I'm sorry for the way it makes you feel. Even if it wouldn't upset me personally.

You need to get yourself away from this awful emotionally manipulative enmeshed family.

I voted you are being unreasonable. You had plenty of opportunity to stand by your hard and fast rules years ago. You ignored them, made allowances and now have a family with him, an interfering MIL actually supporting it and making excuses and absolutely no way of stopping him now.

Zero sympthy tbh. I wouldnt have got past the first time he smoked/vaped/talked about smoking. He would have been out of my life. I say this as someone who was the only person in my family who didnt smoke. Parents, brothers etc. As soon as i moved out i would never be in their company if they smoked. As an adult thats my choice.

I see your point but I think addicts lie about their use for very specific reasons. I think an otherwise honest person might retain their integrity.

If his oxygen is dipping to 88 over night that’s really not good, I mean it could be sleep apnea for example but that’s still a killer.

I would divorce over the lying and waste of family funds alone.

2 in 3 lifelong smokers will die of smoking related diseases. If you have a family, that should really make you want to quit.

I don’t know what you should do OP but I’m totally on your side. It’s not just the lies and deceit, also behaving like the “naughty but charming” one. Then there’s the smell, the taste and the cost. His family sound awful and like they have their little secret bond against you, still treating him like a kid

Leave him. Time for him to move out and go live with his mother. Smoking is fucking disgusting. He’s been lying to you for years because smoking is more important to him than you are. There’s no future with him.

I am so sorry you had to go through this x

Thank you for this response.

i don't know what I should do either

LTB is such a nuclear option and very easy to say but is absolutely life changing for all of us And I cannot say for sure it's what I want.

but the recognition that I'm not crazy for feeling like this does help

My relative pulled this on the whole family. Told us it was none of our business and we need to stop dictating. Gaslit, rude, wasted £££ on smoking, stank the house out, I could go on. Guess who's now all having to rearrange their lives to care for him during a drawn out smoking related illness? That'll be you someday - unless you leave.
They act like it's a choice that only affects them. And that they will most likely just drop dead of a heart attack some day. What will more likely happen is a long, traumatic illness which will affect the whole family. You think you feel bitter now gal, fast forward 20 years and see how you feel when your life is on hold and everything has to be rearranged to accommodate their self-induced health crisis. I wouldn't wish it on any family. This was fully avoidable for my relative.
Don't end up like us - his family are full of shit and enabling him, you deserve better xx

Spell out when he is ill with smoking related issues he can move back to his dm's and she can nurse him. But you won't be. Can't imagine having sex with an ashtray.

The fact that you even thought you might be crazy is suggesting you are being gaslit by your DH and his family.

This is interesting actually. I have a wound that won't heal and dos always ask if I smoke but I wonder if the smoke from him could be affecting it.

he does always smoke outside at least, but throws the ends on the floor rather than anywhere else which I also find revolting

This

he is an addict. Same as my now ex dh was tho his vice was alcohol

only you can decide if want to be with a smoker. And to give him a change to stop or to get a divorce

an addict will always lie. Always tell you what they think you want to hear.

I would have supported dh drinking if honest but always lying about it and said not drinking

your dh sounds the same - holding a fag for a friend - no smoking /relapsed /only one etc

I genuinely don't know. Even after this thread with so many on support of me I am hunting for the ones on his side because I must be wrong and crazy

What an awful man. I would leave him but I do think you were fooling yourself believing him. Fathers who smoke can damage a foetus and cause abnormalities and it can make children unwell. Second and third hand smoke can cause multiple health issues. It’s unacceptable that he has lied and chosen to put them (and you) at risk particularly after you said it’s a hard line for you. Smoking when you have kids is a big deal and utterly selfish.

@OneTwinklyBird think of all the health issues he’s heading towards.

You will end up his carer when he’s on oxygen as his lungs are fucked. His carer when he’s having treatments.

You will have a lower quality of life as your children grow and leave the nest.

He will start smoking inside the house as it’s harder for him to get out. Your house will permanently smell.

Your children will end up with families and grandchildren they don’t want to bring to your home due to the smoke..

look at the future stretching out in front of you. The empty nest. The retirement - just the two of you together

Do you honestly still love this man who’s so weak and lies. Who won’t protect you from his families nastiness? Who seeks no help for his addiction. Who happily spends so much from the monthly budget that could go towards enriching your children’s lives.

if you left it wouldn’t be because of the smoking. It would be because of the man behind the smoke.

good luck.

You are not crazy, but you DO need to realise he's not going to stop. You can either accept that and stay married, or tell him it's over.

In fairness a few days ago when it was raining heavily the laundry room smelt of smoke.
he categorically said he had not smoked in there was just outside and the smell must have blown in and my instinct is still to believe him and think I'm ott. But I had to rewash all the clothes and it hasnt smelt since

It is an addiction.
One that patches, discipline, self control and hypnotherapy can pretty easily get rid of. It's lazy

I really relate to this. When before DH became my boyfriend I told him I would not be with a smoker.

He quit for about a year then went back. He didn't smoke near me or anything so yes I married him.

He promised he would quit before we had children, 2 children in and he still smokes. It really annoys me,. He smokes outside but smells of it whenever he walks into a room. It is very off putting.

LTB I think is way too big a leap but that is how I feel about it.

Interesting to hear about the sleeping thing from others though.

What a cow she is.

I’d also divorce him. I don’t want my children living full time with a smoker. It’s foul.

I grew up with two parents who smoked and I always hated it, the smell made me feel sick. I watched my father die of a lung condition (not smoking related) aged 51 and he still tried to smoke. (I was 11 years old when he died). My mother gave up smoking aged 60 after having smoked since 14 because one night she couldn't breathe when she had a heavy cold, had to sit up all night. She just stopped overnight which I never ever thought I would see. I am amazed she did that!
My husband smoked (socially) when we met (his mother smoked) and I told him I hated it and would not marry him if he smoked. He gave up and has had one cigarette in 42 years of marriage. For me personally it's non negotiable. I detest smoking and that is my choice, I don't judge anyone who smokes but they are not doing it around me.

For me it would be the absolute lack of any respect that he must have for you, to lie to your face for years repeatedly. What else does he lie about just to have an easy life, is what I would be asking myself if I were you.

I’m really annoyed on your behalf. As you say, it’s not just the smoking, it’s the lying.