AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

This is helpful.

i think i would find it easier if he was honest about if from the start, but i feel like you every time we leave and he has a quick cigarette before getting in the car im silently seething about the whole situation but know there is absolutely no point in saying anythjng

A boundary only exists if there are consequences for crossing it. I feel the same way as you. A parent smoking directly increases a child’s risk of cancer and lung issues. Even if it’s only outside, they get exposed.

He is lazy, he would deny it but he is

So if he had started smoking 20 years into marriage you would have walked away instantly? Not questioning your resolve, just genuinely feel it's different for me at this point than at the beginning

Why can you not see he's lying to you?

Does you have a spare bedroom or any other room you can turn into your bedroom?

If you don't want to break your kids family over it you can still end your relationship. Take a separate bedroom, stop kissing him or having sex, if he whines say "why would I want you anywhere near me when you stink and taste disgusting?" Stop doing things for him, he can't even tell you the truth. If you eat as a family then still serve him a plate. But he can wash his fag smelling clothes himself.

Sweep the fagbuts up and put them in his bed. Or on his bedside table. They're not yours to clean up. If he wants them putting in the bin he needs to put them in the bin.

Or just carry on being the mug, have him slowly but surely break him promise even more. You'll find the kitchen smelling of fags then the living room. By the time the kids move out there'll be an ashtray in your living room. Then you can nurse him through lung cancer while he still secretly smokes. Then you can finally be an old lady alone in a nice smelling house again.

I can see both sides tbh and I'm a smoker myself.

Is he actually full on smoking or vaping and having sneaky ones at work? I think in his defence the vaping was the compromise which, if it were me being you, id have also accepted.

Im sure there will be loads saying hes selfish, choosing fags over you etc but the harsh reality is, smoking is an addiction and therefor an illness. He needs to want to give up, not just say oh I will stop monday.

My ex used to infuriate me banging on about my smoking all the time, I smoked when I met him and he would go on and on about cost (I was using my own money) and would gas light me saying Id said id stop.... I never, and the more he went on, the more I dug my heels in.

I completely understand your health fears but I also get his side too. I think if it is a hard line for you, you need to stand by your words and split up. He will continue to hide it. Or you make piece with it and agree (in fact probably wouldnt tell him this part, it only happens outside the home). Going on about it constantly is controlling but him lying about it is also unacceptable.

So you need to make a choice on either backing off and accepting his addiction or leaving.

I have slept on the sofa for the last year. I had surgery in December and the wound won't heal so sex has been off the cards for a while for me.

my posts and all of this focus on one element of our lives. Tonight we will play uno with our oldest and it will lovely and fun. It's a lot to throw away now and very easy given the info I have posted to focus on this but it's not the whole picture I guess.

i don't want to be with a smoker. I don't want to be a single mum. I don't want to sell our house and move. There's lots of factors aren't there

Has he actually asked for medical advice re the oxygen dropping? He is potentially already experiencing health issues from his smoking. I’d want him seen quickly and that might be a jolt for him to take quitting more seriously. If he’s already damaged his lungs, your decision making paths might be quite different.

I’d be worried that he’d start slipping into habits that would harm you and the children’s health. I wouldn’t have had children with a smoker in the first place so that bridge has been crossed but you are likely to need some significant support if your marriage is going to continue if you’re essentially repulsed by the smell of smoke and he’s not trying very hard to disguise it. It’s down to you really to know what you want deep down.

This is a really common feeling when you are married to someone who is part of an enmeshed family. It’s kind of like triangulation. 3 points of the triangle: him, you and his family. You feel like the odd one out because he and his family are normalising behaviour which is completely unacceptable. The triangle is very unbalanced, leaving you feeling isolated, so you start to worry theres something wrong with you.

i worked through this kind of thing with my DH but it was not as extreme as your situation. And we made progress mainly because my in laws live in a different continent. Spending time with my family showed him what “normal” behaviour is, and how respect and communication work even when there is an issue to resolve.

had it not been for the distance of another continent and the attitude of my family then my DH would still be emotionally controlled by his dysfunctional family. My DH did not have anything of the level of enmeshment you are experiencing, though.

i am worried about you OP. I think you are in a very difficult situation.

would people genuinely leave or is it just a gut response?

one of my besties husbands asked if he could get a prostitute on a stag do, I was horrified for her and all of the girls weee like she should leave him ... but she didn't and they seem happy and I don't know what any of us would have done in that situation

another friend is a crazy high earner and her husband spends all of their money on his expensive hobby and then scrutinises what she spends money on, won't get a bigger house etc. but otherwise she is happy, should she leave?

are there factors in every relationship like this or am I in middle England where divorce is literally not an option and we should have all looked for better?

He won't go to the doctor. I have asked and asked and asked and he won't. I'm not sure what else I can do about that

I’m with you and I’d really consider the marriage!

I have a real loathing about smoking!

It’s not really the smoking. It is disgusting, expensive and life threatening. But it’s the disrespect of your feelings and the gaslighting. Putting his addiction and his family first.
it is an intense addiction and you agreed a liveable compromise with the vaping.
I understand you don’t want to blow your and your kids’ lives up. His disregard for your feelings over this and his family though are unacceptable and it is time, at least, for you to draw firm boundaries. That isn’t controlling and don’t be gaslit by people who say it is.

Smoking would be a deal-breaker for me op.

His family tell you that you're being controlling? How about he's hidden this from you for years and HIS choices are now destroying YOUR relationship.

At best his intentions at the start were good, but now he's a full-blown smoker, spunking 15 quid a pack of family money and doesn't give a shit about your very valid feelings around smoking.

Your call. If it's a deal-breaker for you, where's your boundaries? Folk may joke that 'you broke up a family over a few ciggies' but you know it's much, much deeper than that.

Health issues aside (almost impossible to do that with your family history as it is), £15 a day on a 20-a-day habit is over £5k a year. Just let that sink in... What could you and your family do with that kind of cash op? Instead of it literally being burned?

Edited to add - just seen that a pack of silk cut is nearly £20 in Morrisons. That's over £7000 a year, up in smoke...

On regards to your friends situations and your own, you need to decide how much your boundary means to you!

Doesn't matter what other people think. Some people will say in grand scheme of things its not the worst thing in the world, it could be gambling, sex workers whatever.....its what your hard lines/boundaries are. It and I suspect more so the lying is what is the biggest factor. If he was truthful, could you accept it more?

I would leave, yeah. My mum had 2 smoking related cancers and I grew up with smoke hanging in layers in our lounge - we never had any luxuries but there was always money for fags.

Smoking is vile. I’m sorry for you OP, I couldn’t be near anyone who smoked.
This would be a red line for me, and marriage ending, although I don’t underestimate how awful it is to have to blow up your life to get rid of him.

I feel sorry you are being forced to tolerate the stink from a smoker. He shouldn't be subjecting you to this when you have made it clear you hate it. I loathe walking past people who are smoking outside bars & restaurants. Betwee that & the stink of marujana floating around in many areas it gets to the stage you literally have to go inside for fresh air.

I'd give him an ultinatum, get help to stop or we are over.

Yes if he had been upfront from day one or even when he slipped I would've able to come to terms with it or not knowing the full story and at least that he was truthful.

i think he is probably lying to himself as well in honesty

I think it may be past this.

he was offered support from the family case worker and said he would use go instead and then did not make an appointment

im not asking about it or pressuring him because I don't want to be controlling but I think he takes this as acceptance. Then when he asks for money to buy some of I say not or question it I am controlling but if I just say yes then I clearly support him smoking. Feels like I can't win anymore

Honestly, I don’t understand why you married him and why you had children with him. You clearly don’t mean what you say, otherwise why did you go along with it all? You know he smokes yet you still went ahead with everything you said you wouldn’t do. I’m not saying it’s your fault. He lied. But I guess if I was him, I would think that you would never follow through because in the past you haven’t either.

Well using family money to buy them isn't on, that should be questioned imo. I have always had my own money for spends and thats what I use to buy mine. If I run out, thats on me.

That's not our financial set up so it doesn't work like that

Because i believed and trusted him. If he was smoking then it was occasional and not obvious to me. Over the years the slips became more and more obvious until now.

i guess it's a little like the boiling frog analogy

I can see both sides of this, and I know I'm in the minority.

Yes, you find it disgusting, you have lost family to it, it's gross and it's affecting his health and his bank balance and it's winding you up, he's lying, and he's secretive, and this is harming your relationship. It's bad for the children, they'll find out, it's not a good role model. All of these things are true.

And.

in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker.

It might have been a hard line for you, but you didn't make choices that backed that up. He told you he was thinking about giving up, this was probably true. Most smokers think about giving up and try repeatedly, often their whole lives to give up. He may have read into the situation that he was a smoker, you were interested in him, so your line wasn't as hard as you made it out to be.

He's not ready to give up, and that is the bottom line. He doesn't want to. Addicts lie. He's been using an addictive substance since he was 11.

You can ultimately do whatever you want, you don't have to stay with him, but you married a smoker. And here you are.