AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

I'm not sure how old you are OP, but you might see things more clearly in perimenopause. I put up with shit like this for decades. Every time I issued an ultimatum my DH promised the world - and I believed him. I believed him every time and was devastated again every time he let me down.

Now approaching 50 I suddenly see things through different eyes. He was never the person I thought he was but I didn't see all the red flags until now. I really regret not leaving sooner because he's possibly about to blow our stability and financial security up for a third time... the worst possible time because our children are about to sit exams.

You need to trust yourself, you are upset about this for a reason.

It's not an occasional drink/bacon roll/can of cola though is it.

As an ex-smoker, I am the world’s worst now as I CANNOT STAND the smell of smoke or anyone near me smoking. Yet, when I smoked, I thought the anti-smokers were all “precious” and “overreacting”.

I switched to vaping, as I wanted to give up. The reasons were two fold; I couldn’t afford it anymore (and this was eight years ago, when they were about £8 a pack), and, a woman at my work who’d had a nasty cough for a long time and been told it was “asthma” died of lung cancer. She was only in her 40’s and had two teenage children. That was a real wake up call.

Anyway, I haven’t smoked for eight years, but I am still vaping. I was a “stress” smoker and now I am addicted to the habit of vaping. To be honest; I enjoy it. It’s my only vice (I don’t drink). It costs me about £35 a month for vape juice and coils etc, so much cheaper.

Could you compromise with him vaping outside? He obviously doesn’t want to give up.

The family sound weird and insidious. Because they smoke, they think there’s nothing wrong with it. And, it’s a crutch to beat you with, too.

I 100% would. He's lied to her face. He knew it was a deal breaker. He knew WHY it was a deal breaker, and yet still married her and had children with her. All while secretly wasting hundreds on his habit. All while having his family lie and manipulate his wife. You don't see the major red flags????

He is 100% smoking in the house. He doesn't care about you or your children's health.

I assume that your MIL knows about your son's severe skin allergies yet she still threw his expensive hypo-allergenic bedding away? That is an act of deliberate harm trowards your child and, at the very least, you need to ban her from your home and contact with your kids. She is abusive and unhinged and your DH enables her behaviour.

Her own kids were removed from her care at a time when this hardly ever happened and only for the worst abuse. Smoking aside, this should be a deal breaker and another reason why you should think of ending your marriage.

Your DH is a liar and he is willing to put his kids at risk from the dangers of secondary smoke and his child-abusing mum.

He needs therapy to come to terms with what happened in his childhood and to help him stop smoking and putting his own children at risk.

Smoking was the end of my marriage, my husband was doing 60 a day, admitted to 40, bank account said different! He spent more on cigarettes than our rent. This was 10 years ago I just could not see that kind of money going out of our account daily.
His mother said to me,I don't see your problem you have 50k of savings!
I said which isn't to support you husbands smoking habit!
It wasn't the smell for me that did it, it was the money and lying

Many experts and studies consider nicotine to be harder, or just as hard , to quit than heroin. Heroin causes more severe dangerous physical withdrawal symptoms, nicotine creates a profoundly intense addiction in the brain than is often harder to break, resulting in higher relapses.
There are several effective medications , to help with cravings and withdrawal symptoms. I would advise he sees his gp who can certainly help. For the record l am not a smoker, but through my work have helped many on their journeys to be free of this addiction

When I was a smoker I rolled my own for many years, it was so much cheaper.

From what you have said, it sounds as though he is not smoking heavily, just needs one occasionally. Could you not put up with that? He's far more likely to smoke if pressure is put on him. I said before, I had no problem giving up once I made my mind up that I wanted to but there was no pressure on me from anyone.

I know people who smoke about five cigarettes a day and have done so for years, that doesn't upset anyone if they are not smoking around people. Of course it is still unhealthy for the smoker but far less - and it's a compromise.

I’m very similar you you OP in that I have the same very strong feelings about smoking, except I came frok
a smoking family DH didn’t but when we met he was a social smoker. It was a reason I didn’t want to date him. I made it clear it was a deal breaker for me, he only ever had one cigarette in front of me on maybe our 1st or 2nd date and saw how much I’d bothered me so didn’t again.

He only ever smoked while with his mates in the pub (and I wasn’t there too) and as our relationship progressed, those nights were rare anyway. Just before the smoking ban came in, we were arranging life insurance and I asked him what smoking status to put down. He chose non smoking as he so very rarely smoked and as he pointed out, soon he wouldn’t be able to smoke with his mates in the pub anyway.

Only once did I find he lapsed, it was after his mates funeral and we were all out drinking. I hadn’t seen him for ages and found h smoking. I admit I lost it and screamed at him and threatened to leave him, I told him one more time and we’re we’re through - we had been married about 6 or 7 years and had 2 kids but u meant it and still do. We have now been barrier over 20 years and the relationship would still be over if he broke my trust over this.

You either accept it, and stop being so angry. Or you choose to draw a line in your marriage. This is a quote from an earlier post. I regard this level of callousness on the part of smokers is life-threatening. And life comes first -- before anything else!! There is an old Sanskrit saying: Everything (good) is conducted or achieved through a (human) body. To destroy it (the body) is to destroy (all chances of) good, creditable acts.

I may be wrong, but I think his family have guilt to bear from this, they sound like unrepentant hardened smokers.
I am sorry, I can see how difficult this is for you. I would keep encouraging him to go see the gp, you don't want him to get any kind of illness related to smoking. CBT is good, just like talking to a friend, perhaps he would agree to that.

You've gone your utmost to help him give up. You can't make it happen. Either you accept this and move into your own, sweet smelling bedroom, or you end your marriage. No point dwelling on it. It's one move or the other. It doesn't matter what we think.

I pressed like your comment when in fact I wanted to comment

Have you any idea at all what the smell of those vapes are for a real smoker walking down a street. They are absolutely vile, sickly and cause far more inhalation for a person around them that a cigarette does. There is also the issue that vapers seem to think that indoor smoking in restaurants etc. is now also ok. The worst thing about vaping is the medical information coming out now about how much damage it is actually doing to lungs particularly to children. Far more damage than cigarettes would have caused. Look at the young celebs now using cigarettes not vaping as no longer cool.

I totally understand the OPs post however, he seems to have tried extremely hard over 15 years and, only now has given up. Yes the OP has the right to feel aggrieved but seriously, after 15 years she now feels aggrieved. He has been a perfectly loyal, good husband and father, with no alcohol issues, wife battering etc issues and suddenly she finds his stress relieving habit unacceptable. Money is tight yet never bothered the OP in the last 15 years. Any chance OP is looking to divorce and her husband is depressed. Why would he openly do something now that he knows will offend her when he loved her enough in the past to try and hide it. The OP needs to be more honest not only with MN, her husband and herself.

Addicts are very selfish when it comes to their addiction(s).
You set a boundary very early in the relationship and your husband has crossed it time and time again. You have every right to be upset by this.
I saw someone once say, an apology only counts if you see, consistently changed behaviour. If he is apologising and still doing it then that apology is empty.
If he is finally being honest and saying he is not intending to give up, you need to give yourself some time to decide if you can deal with it or not.
If his family are getting involved while you are asking for time to think then go grey rock with them, try to ignore any attempts at emotional manipulation. You get to choose your boundaries, not them.

Hes LIED to you for your entire relationship!! 15 YEARS of LYING!!! THAT would be the reason I ended the relationship more than anything! Wasting £140 a week literally burning it away would also be the next! How much money has he wasted over the years when you’ve been trying to save every penny you have for things the kids need or bills etc?

And anyone who vapes who tells themselves and others they have “given up smoking” are lying to themselves and everyone else knows what an idiot they are 😂🤣 you are still smoking just in a different way!! I am a smoker who no longer smokes. I can’t say I’ve given up as mentally every day I have one in my head but for the sake of my kids I don’t smoke anymore. Was on 40 a day from the age of 12 and stopped completely when I got pregnant as my children are more important than anything. Wouldn’t put their health at risk for anything and certainly know what it’s like losing a parent to lung cancer so not putting them through that either!

I can't speak for OP but I wouldn't. 5 a day still stinks and will still kill you. The costs will still add up.

My DH was a 30 a day smoker when I met him and he stopped cold turkey, and didn't replace it with vapes or any other crutches. I really dmire him for that.

I'm so sorry OP, you sound like you're so tired both emotionally and physically.
I've seen through this smoking aspect with my DH.
When we met, I made it clear I would continue to go out with him, on the basis that he gave up smoking. My dad had been diagnosed with lung cancer and eventually died from it and other things.

Dh largely kept to his promise aside from COVID, then a massive life event last year. I was furious but supported him, and put boundaries in place. Over time he's proven to me he won't do it anymore. He knew actions were more important than words this time.

It's not just the smoking, it's the lying, it's the feeling of if they lie about this and hide it comfortably, what else could they lie about?

Please ensure you are no longer sleeping on the sofa, I genuinely don't understand why he's in bed and you're trying to recover on the sofa so long. What kind of person is he for goodness sake.