AIBU dh smoking

[OneTwinklyBird]

So my husband is from a family of smokers. He started smoking at 11 and all of his immediate family smoke.

I hate smoking. Lost 3 grandparents to lung cancer and hate the culture of having to go outside for a cigarette, have a cigarette before leaving, the smell, the atmosphere ... I hate it.

Before we ever started dating, in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker. I do not want any future children exposed to it an I really had an aversion to it. He said he had been trying to give up anyway, agreed with my views regarding children and wanted to be with me so this was the push he needed.

1.5 years later I walked outside at his sisters wedding and his mum tried to intercept me, then tried to block my view of him. I stepped around her and there he was smoking. His mum said it was a one off and his sisters wedding, I was being unreasonable not to understand etc. I spoke with him again and said it was fine if he wanted to smoke, I understand it's an addiction etc but I could not be with a smoker so he needed to tell me now so we could both move on. He said it was a lapse on a special occasion etc.

Fast forward 15 years. We are married, multiple children. He took up vaping many years ago, I hated it but it was a compromise as such so I ignored it. A few instances over the years I thought I have smelt smoke on him and he has denied it profusely. There were cigarette butts in the garden of the house he said they were his mums from when she visited, a few weeks after this I caught him outside smoking with her and he said she'd just bought him one packet as he was stressed.

A year ago we went through a very stressful period and he is now smoking fully again. Money is really tight but he always finds money for cigarettes. At first because of my strong feelings he would ensure he washed his hands after being outside and showered before he got into bed. This has stopped completely. The smell means I don't want to kiss him or lie next to him.

i understand it is his body and his choice but I feel like I have been tricked and gaslit for years about this and now forced into accepting it because we have children and are married and it is his choice whether he smokes or not.

AIBU to be so angry and bitter about this?

I think this is partly my fault. I am a crier, I cry when frustrated, upset, annoyed etc. so if we have a difficult conversation I invariably cry and he tells me this is me manipulating the argument to win because he can't make his points because I'm crying. I don't know if that makes sense

This could be me, OP. My husband worked away for half of each week, so I was unaware how much he was smoking after several relapses.

I had lost both parents to cancer and always said I didn't want to have to care for him. In the end he had a major heart attack in front of me at home, but should have been driving on the M25 to get to work.

Two ambulance crews, 90 minutes to get him back, a week in ICU and a stent, the consultant told him he was 'a bloody fool for smoking' and must give up immediately. To my enormous suprise he actually did. We are no longer together and I urge you to break the pattern with your own children, give him the ultimatum and follow through. Do not put you or them through the prospect of a disabled or catestrophically unwell husband or father. I will never get past seeing my husband dying in front of me (although he went on to naje a full recovery.)

Best wishes to you as you navigate this difficult decision.

If there’s no way you can leave then you need to get tough. Respond firmly to anything like MIL rearranging your cupboards. I have a colleague who experienced that. She responded with a firm ‘Don’t you dare do that in my house.’ MiL learned quickly.

Hopefully you don’t sort out cards or gifts for his family? If so, stop now.

I wouldn’t allow his stinking clothes in the laundry basket. He’d have to use a bin bag in his wardrobe.

It's hard to hide fat though 😂
She went out with him because she believed he had quit... he lied to her for 15+ years (potentially).

Hardly controlling if he's been smoking the entire flipping time.

I did respond firmly - asked him to initially and when he said no I told her myself that I did not appreciate her rearranging my cupboards.

she upset as she was "only trying to help"
and I am ungrateful and controlling.

she bought one of the kids new bedding without speaking to us and then threw out all his old stuff but he has severe skin allergies and had an insanely expensive hypoallergenic duvet and I was u grateful for not saying thankyou and being pissed off she had replaced with an Asda basics just because ...

my mil is a bit of a nightmare in truth

I'm so sorry you went through that it sounds terrifying.
I guess there is always an element of it won't happen to me for everyone, all the warnings and info but unless something happens people almost don't believe it
i hope everyone is ok now x

First of all- you have my heart felt sympathy.
Secondly- he does not want to make the effort to quit, so you will never succeed in persuading him to.
Thirdly- he will get seriously ill one day in the future, you will be his carer if you’re still with him. Will you be happy to do that?

If he was continuing to try to quit and your marriage was otherwise very happy, then stay - with rules in place regarding where he smokes, washing of clothes etc. But he’s not, is he? He has no intention to quit.
i think it’s the lying,deception, the gaslighting and lack of effort that would make me leave.
He is showing you zero respect
All you can do is make the separation as amicable for your kids as possible. One day they’ll understand.

My ex husband smoked and he ‘gave u and whenever we had an argument he got at least two packs and smoked them openly in the garden and out etc saying I had caused it. I lasted a year, it was a hard line for me and he did it numerous times and sometimes blew the smoke in my face. Lying about it would have been worse.

You can end a marriage for any reason or no reason at all. In this case it has been going on for years and his family cover for everything. I wouldn’t want that to be my extended family. I do not regret the 15 years I have had ex in-laws free - every day is a blessing.

OneTwinklyBird,the more I read your posts the more my heart drops for you.
He won’t stand up for you against his mother.
He says you are manipulating.
He’s lied to you.
He thinks more of his family than of you or his children.
Potentially leaving his children fatherless.
Refuses to even try seriously to get help.

The only reason I can think of for you to not tell him to leave is financial ; if that is the case, would you get support from your family if he wouldn’t agree to an ultimatum to either give up smoking or move out ?

Oh Lord, that is horrific. How dare someone throw your family’s bedding away!!

I would have gone round to hers and dragged her duvet off and dumped it in her garden. But I can be explosive.

How on earth did your DP not hit the roof ?!!

It's his mum so he knows she's out of line but ... it's his mum.

She is a really difficult character and was an absolute nightmare when they were children. She lost custody of them and this was in 80s/90s so almost unheard of.

he will do anything to avoid conflict with her.

Every time you post the worse it is. I know it won’t be easy, but I would divorce him.

You don't need to change your feelings about it, please don't accept this behaviour. You have made your feelings clear, he has shown you that smoking matters more to him than you do and his family support this. Do you really want to be around these people that show you no respect?

It might be his body he us damaging. But it is you who will be caring for him when he eventually succumbs to smoking related illnesses. We have a goid frien whose long term smoker DH has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia and heart problems, both linked to his smoking. It is a bleak future for both of them.

This would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

Fully understand I feel dirty if I've been around a smoker my dad and all his side smoke ... i go home and strip off wash my clothes hair the lot .
Hate it .

@OneTwinklyBirdI think you need to get some therapy for you alone. This isn't about the addiction. Its about the lieing plus the financial worry he is putting you in.

You need to make decisions for you, not him or anyone else. This isn't about the smoking. The smoking is the symptom of his deceit.

He will try to say it's you cos you're trying to stop him. So take that out of the equation. You're powerless to stop him smoking. You're not helpless about you deal with it.

It sounds like therapy will also help with the issues on your side of the family too as well as with this.

You have to either learn to accept it or leave. That I think needs to be dealt with in a safe place. RELATE will also see you. It doesn't need to be both of you...

Hi OP, i feel for you and I've been in a similar position with my husband smoking. I hated it!

The problem is that he enjoys it, so has no incentive to give it up. This was the way it was for my husband, that was until his dear mum died of cancer at the age of 56.

But it still took him 5 years after her death before he gave it up, he was increasingly getting lots of phlegm (gross), it was an expensive habit and our children were teenagers.

I talked to him about life and how sad it would be if he ever got cancer from smoking, I told him that he knows the risks and that i was surprised he hadn't given it up after his mum had died. I think it scared him because he noticed he was getting wheezy and he said that his mum was wheezy before she died.

It wasn't easy him giving up, and it was awful living with him for those first 2 months. But it's been 11 years since he quit and his lungs are now good and clear, he has better lungs than me and I'm a non smoker!

I don't know what to advise you, maybe sit and talk about his health, your worries and that your children need their dad, cancer doesn't discriminate, and seeing someone die of terminal cancer is horrifying. There are many smoking aids out there to help him stop, but if he enjoys it, it's unlikely he will stop smoking.

I have not smoked for nearly 22 years. After being a very heavy smoker Roll ups 40 to 60 per day fir 30 years.

.Had a NHS OAP lung x-ray about 6 months ago which showed my.lungs were OK, but l still.have moderate emphysema with breathing problems.

I quit smokin in 2004 after having a major operation. With the aid of nicotine patches on my arm.
And reading a famous book on Quit Smoking by Allen Carr.

Still get the odd pang. But get over it after a couple of minutes.

Smoking is very addictive and l must say I really enjoyed it. But when l developed a gum disease through smoking and has started to.loose my teeth.
iIt was time to stop.

Hope husband wit see sense..

Good Luck
X

God help you OP, it all sounds very hard.
Mind yourself.
Smoking is disgusting.
I can't be around the smell even randomly outside.
I don't know a single person who smokes.
I cannot imagine being surrounded by smokers, much less my children.
You are not unreasonable to be disgusted by it.

So, he's lied all the way through the marriage about it. That's a big deal.
I know I couldn't tolerate the lying or the smoking. I'd have to end the marriage.

You shouldn't have to put up with this. He, and everyone else, knows exactly how you feel about this, you've been clear from day one, they are all taking the p*ss tbh. I wouldn't stand for it. No one sensible would blame you for giving him a final ultimatum - give it up or the relationship is over. Last chance saloon I'd say.

If it’s a hard line for you it needs to be a hard line for you. It’s a foul habit and horrible parenting.

I don't know you're eating and drinking habits but if your DH told you to give up something unhealthy that you enjoy, would it feel like he was being controlling? That's without the additional addiction issue too. Never have a drink of alcohol/bacon sandwich/cola? If you were overweight and he said you have to go on a diet and do more exercise?
I'm not saying that you should accept it and stay in the relationship, that's your personal choice. Although I can completely understand how you could be described as controlling.

I grew up in a home where bith parents smoked, neither myself or any of my siblings smoke totally hate it.
I think it would be a deal breaker for me. The thought of kissing someone who.smells of smoke turns my stomach.
When I would visit my parents it was old clothes on and shower and clothes washed as soon as we were home.
Id give him a deadline to see a difference being made, and if it wasn't then id be separating from him. Sad when people would choose cigarettes over family, and thats not even including the cost. My dm chose the cigarettes as once grandkids came along as no one would.allow them to visit, although adults did.