AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

It definitely is and it won't be a friendly phone call, it will be issuing him a PIN - Police Information Notice that he's harassing OP and needs to stop.

What this person said! He’s a massive walking red flag. Pestering you to give in and let him come round and accusing you of lying? Nope. Dump and run. You need a relationship that compliments your life, not dictates it.

I think you do need to send him one more text along the lines of
You have discussed his behaviour with him before and he hasn’t changed so this shouldn’t have come as a huge surprise given even now his behaviour is the same.

If it wasn’t made clear in your previous text. There is no relationship going forward. You don’t have what he wants and you need for him to stop texting and calling you otherwise you will consider it harassment and stalking behaviour and will have to involve the police.

I do think saying you need space isn’t saying this relationship is over and I do think it needs to be made very clear to him that there is no relationship and there is never going to be a relationship with you

I would write the message in notes copy and paste it into text then unblock send then block again and hopefully he gets the message

You might want to add that whilst he is a lovely guy you can’t give him the type relationship he wants and no one wants to feel like they don’t have any free time for themselves
He maybe needs to open up his life to other interests and other people or have therapy to understand why he behaves the way he does so when he does get into another relationship he can understand that a relationship isn’t the only thing he has going on in his life and his future relationships don’t end the same way.

I think of his mother having to deal with his moods over this time and hopefully if he can possibly take on board the message that he needs to work on himself and open up his life. He will get someone who appreciates him and wants to be with him.

I think the message you originally sent left him wondering what you meant. Eg how long you wanted space etc

Whilst there is the harsh You are dumped statement would make it clear, I think that would just get a reaction instead of closure.

I believe that spelling it out that the relationship is over in a straightforward way and saying something nice about him that someone else will appreciate might get the closure you are after.

I'd never viewed it like that before. What an insightful post. Bit of a lightbulb moment for me there x

I think that’s the same as the old saying “a wolf in sheep’s clothing”.

@FairKoala "You might want to add that whilst he is a lovely guy...."

He has not been a "lovely" guy though; he has been obsessive and even accused OP of lying about being unwell. @Theopdore has no responsibility to soothe his ego.

Totally agree with this post.
In reality, the man hasn’t got a shred of respect for the OP or her boundaries and just stubbornly refuses to accept that they are normal and that the problem lies solely within himself and his behaviour. Instead of realising that he is the problem and that he should take a good look at himself and acknowledge how he has caused this break up, he has simply decided that the OP is an irrational woman who doesn’t know her own mind, therefore once he has given her permission to calm down and patiently waits (whilst continuing to pester her to check up), she will come back to him. He has taken no responsibility at all for his part in this. He might even think that his obsessiveness shows how much he cares. I have known men like this who just refuse to accept what a woman says. It just doesn’t seem to compute. They are stubborn and doggedly determined to wear the woman down and will purposefully misconstrue everything in their search for hope. These are the types who don’t think that No means No. So many women, me included, were raised to be polite and kind, to give the benefit of the doubt, to overlook behaviours that ring alarm bells and to seek out the good no matter how detrimental it might be for their own mental health.

@HatStickBoots - thank you! Your post is 100% accurate and it’s this ‘training’ to be ‘good girls’ that means so many of us fall victim to situations we struggle to escape from because we waiver from saying a firm “get away from me-forever “ to others even when we know they’re toxic.
Bookmarking your post to read when I feel the guilt for refusing to engage with STBX (stuck living with him whilst divorcing until the house sells 🙄)… apparently I should go out of my way every day to consider his feelings and what he needs from me….. after 12+ years of emotional abuse from him, it’s still all about him.
Thanks again ‘hat’💐

You know he has not been a lovely guy and I know and the whole world knows he isn’t a lovely guy but there is a huge difference between being truthful and dealing with the fallout and getting what you want which is this guy to go away and stay away

Telling this guy that he is lovely but go find someone who will appreciate his loveliness and by the way he should try getting out more and widening his circle of friends / interests etc and it might not make him so obsessive

And being told he is an obsessive controlling creep and he is dumped.

The latter is just asking for a reaction whilst the former might just send him away to lick his wounds and look at his life and work on himself and move on with some self respect

It might not work but at least you can say you gave him a chance before escalating everything.
There might be 1 more text acknowledging his actions /apologising but if nothing else comes then consider it a win

Sometimes there is the truth and sometimes there is getting what you want

Is it not time to end this thread?

Is this your first time on Mumsnet?

Why would you say this?

There are plenty of people sharing their personal and professional experiences of similar situations - when 2-3 women are murdered each week by their parter / ex partner specifically at the time of ending the relationship - this is important potentially life saving educational information.

Threads don't end until they reach 1000 posts. If you don't want to post on it or see it, you can delete it from your Watch list, your I'm On list and you can use the three dots beside it in the active or forum subject listing to Hide it so you never have to see it again.

Eh?
Just stop reading it!

Unfortunately, that advice is just going to pander to this man’s ego and he won’t learn a single thing from it. He already thinks he is “lovely” and is completely baffled that his presence is not welcome or required 24/7. He has pushed himself into the OP’s life and is dominating it with his demands and own desires. He won’t go away and “lick his wounds” after he’s been assured that he is “lovely”, he will be angry and confused. He doesn’t need platitudes. The OP is not his mummy. He needs a reality check. I agree that his life seems very empty and it would do him good to explore other avenues or read up on some relationship advice but I do not agree with encouraging him to seek solace with another unsuspecting woman who will apparently find him “lovely” because until he can control these obsessive and suffocating urgencies, that is a lie.

OP - I could’ve written this exact thread 6 yrs ago when I called off an 11month relationship with an identical man (also lived with his mum). Felt v smothered. Ended things. He persisted in trying to contact me begging for ‘just an hour of my time’… for SIX YEARS. Blocked everywhere but would pop up with different numbers / emails / platforms. Came to my house at the outset, put letters through my door.
I emailed him a ‘cease and desist’ email 18months ago. All went quiet.
Then on Boxing Day just gone he popped up on online dating and “liked” one of my photos 😳 😱.
Got the police involved immediately.
Then had him in for questioning, he denied everything.
Id no longer got the dossier of evidence I had on him, so they couldn’t press charges.
I live in fear now that I’ve angered him by getting Police involved, and feel v jumpy. And SO ANGRY AT THE PATHETIC BOUNDRY-CROSSING BASTARD!!!

Please keep copies of all call logs / emails etc. Don’t get rid of anything thinking that it’s all blown over. If I’d kept my evidence he’d have been charged & id be protected right now by a restraining order.

Well done on getting rid. When I used to have bfs I made it clear I wanted to meet them once or twice a week, no more, I needed my own space. They respected this.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you for so long. I think it demonstrates that the tight legal threshold of only two further contacts after asking someone to stop is correct - because they actually have no stopping point and will escalate relentlessly.

After the dust has settled… get therapy and just focus on you and your children. Enjoy singledom. And no more drama

Totally agree with this. The only way to get rid of men who won't accept the word 'no' is to ignore them, shut off contact completely and get help from the police if that doesn't work.

And it isn't our responsibility to teach men how to behave. Often they know exactly what they're doing, they just don't care how it's making anyone else feel as long as they get their way. If a man has reached adulthood without learning how to not be a massive creep then that's his problem, frankly.

I agree with this. Women are not rehab facilities for men. These men are able to control their impulses and compulsions when it suits them - eg in the earlier grooming / lovebombing phase - then all bets are off once they have a ‘in’ and the control, dominance, demands and abuse is let loose.

I’m impressed the police got involved on the basis he liked a photo after 18 months of quiet.

His previous behaviour and his criminal history.
That, and a far better knowledge of how dangerous stalking is.

the police had never been informed. So from their perspective it was someone who had liked a photo

Why would you say that? You don't know what they'd been informed of. By OP or previous partners. For a start he sounds like he's been convicted of something.