AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

I’d report him to the police at this stage. Not only is he messaging you and calling you from various places but he also showed up at your house. Report him, no harm in that and no need to wait. Hopefully he will go away but if he continues you can let him know you have reported him.

I had a boyfriend like this who I just could not get rid of. You were right to end it. In the end I said to him 'if you really love me you will want me to be happy and I am not happy with you'. He skulked off in tears and that was that, but we were teenagers and there was no blocking back then.

I am in two minds about sending one last message being crystal clear, and just leaving it and letting him get the message over time. I would probably send one last message on TikTok and consider that done. I think that would give me closure that I had said my piece and I would have no doubt in my mind that I had been nothing but completely clear and that my next step was to mentally draw a line at it and block him out psychologically.

I presumed his keyboard was broken.

I also wanted to add that as soon as a I read the 'nice guy' stuff I instantly knew how this would play out. Never trust a man who describes himself as a nice guy. It just means a man who doesn't act on all of his urges and begrudgingly concedes that he has to at least pretend to respect the woman a little, at first anyway.

Sorry I haven’t posted, I am reading each post, I have a feeling he will turn up this weekend. My friend works for the police and she is constantly checking on me so I feel safe.

I think you are going to have to be really blunt if you do need to engage with him.

Hopefully he doesnt ruin your weekend x

Honey, you are not obliged to post updates because people here ask you to. It is good to hear that you are ok. I hope you have a plan of attack if he does turn up. Make sure all doors are locked and be prepared to call someone for support if necessary.

Glad you are safe and have a friend checking in. Has your friend given you advice re the stalking/harassment? Have you made an official complaint?

Thud guy has ruined your weekend regardless of whether he turns up, because you will be on edge all weekend waiting for him to appear.

Has he tried to contact you again since the ones you shared yesterday?

Don't apologise @Theopdore . People are cheeky fuckers asking for updates. If he turns up, that's what 999 is for.

I'd be inclined to send him one final message in response to his latest one, saying something along the lines of " I have made it perfectly clear the relationship is over and I do not want any contact from you. This is now becoming harassment. If you contact me again, or come to my house I will be calling the police." Hopefully that will put an end to it, but if not then follow through and call the police.

To get a positive out of this, just keep reminding yourself now that at least you can be sure you made the 💯 correct decision to end it. His behaviour has shown his true colours which you weren’t completely sure of in post 1.

Really hope he stays away, OP. Such a shame this is looking set to spoil Easter for you, just keep yourself safe though and don't be tempted to go back on your decision, you know it's the right one. Glad you've got a friend checking in.

Thanks for posting an update. I wouldn't send any further messages as he could interpret this as you being ambivalent. You've made it clear that you don't wish to continue the relationship and that should be enough. Don't enter into his manipulative game playing. Please be aware that he might play the I'm suicidal card next. You will need to stay absolutely firm if this happens and not be guilt tripped and pulled in as his rescuer. I hope you manage to have a peaceful and uneventful Easter weekend.

OP's message to this creep was fairly strong:

"I need some space, do not try to contact me or come round. I told you it would come to this if you didn’t change your ways. The fact that you just demand you are coming round when I told you I like time to myself is just awful. I genuinely think you need to find somebody who can give you that time you want, it isn’t me, we have a completely different life and you don’t respect mine at all, you just care about what you want. Again please don’t try to contact me at all. Take care"

It could have been stronger because this kind of guy will interpret some bits as follows:

• "I need space" = oh, she just needs time to to calm down
• "I genuinely think" = ah, she only thinks this, so she's not sure, which means I'll be able to change her mind
• "you care about what you want" = that's not true, I do care about [owning her, get my foot in her house, getting what I want from her] her, I have to get to argue with about this unfair thing she's saying

But what OP said is strong enough because of "don’t try to contact me at all".

If at this point OP sends him yet another missive, ALL it will teach this guy is that everything he's done since she sent the first missive - turning up at her house, calling from an unknown number, contacting via unusual social media channels (what's next, LinkedIn?) - worked. So he'll just redouble his efforts and become even MORE inventive in his attempts to get face to face with OP.

It's called intermittent reinforcement: that's when a reward is given unpredictably for a specific behavior, rather than every time. It is THE most effective way to keep people trying to achieve that reward. An example is slot machines.

Your message doesn't specifically say "it's over" but it makes it clear that he is not to contact you, so it does send that same message.

He is ignoring that message, like he ignored all of your boundaries. He was clingy, controlling and coercive. There are so many red flags in your posts, like the fact he was worried when you went out with the girls.

if this relationship had continued, you would have got to the point where you never saw your friends and family, and never went anywhere without him.

Do not respond to him under any circumstances. If the contact continues, or if he turns up, log it with the police. Do a Claire's Law request as PP suggested.

He ignored your boundaries before and is ignoring them now.

He sounds dim as all fck and the specificity wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference in this case. If she'd said it was over forever from the jump , he would still have wanted a one-to-one with her, because he thinks he could talk her round.
I hate the confidence of low-to-mediocre men 😒.

Yep. Hes the type of persistent twat that she could have written ‘fuck off and leave me alone forever’ in 10 foot high letters and he’d have still replied ‘ok babe I’ll give you a bit of time to calm down then come over tomorrow’

These men think their ‘charm’ can persuade any woman to change her mind because obviously losing him would be such a loss eh

I'm quite sure he will turn up.
I'm sorry your weekend is going to be spoilt.
I hope things don't escalate - dial 999 if you feel at all threatened. This man is very much the type to turn aggressive.

He will turn up, he can't help himself, zero control on his needs, wants and impulses.
I remember a book by M. Scott Peck describing parasitic dependency:
The second most common misconception about love is the idea that dependency is love...Its effect is seen most dramatically in an individual who makes an attempt or gesture or threat to commit suicide or who becomes incapacitatingly depressed in response to a rejection or separation from spouse or lover......
When you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual. There is no choice, no freedom involved in your relationship. It is a matter of necessity rather than love, love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.

I had a boyfriend like this who I dropped after a month. He couldn't see how abnormal his behaviour was.
They do not go willingly, they rely on us not wanting to be unkind. They can't understand how desperate and unattractive begging is, they think it shows they love us! It is a self fulfilling prophecy, the more they scrounge for attention the more we push them away. They are bottomless pits and need someone (anyone) to fill the emptiness. It is a mental/personality disorder.
Luckily now there are laws against stalking.

OP for the sake of having a peaceful Easter weekend, can you book a cheap airBnB or similar somewhere, or stay with a friend? You deserve some peace, I would put my right ovary on this fucker showing up and spoiling things, at least being away from your place you can have some well-earned time to yourself

I've read every part of this post and I can honestly say he sounds like an ex of mine, constantly finding a way to contact, making up fake profiles on every social I was on, turning up and harassing me, I eventually got the police involved and thankfully that nipped it in the bud because he started turning nasty threatening to trash my house (I had at the time two sons) threatened to smash me up. I'm hoping he'll just fizzle away with out any more contact and your police friend scares him off. You've had a lucky escape! He sounded manipulative and controlling all the things that turn into abuse. I'm hoping you have a lovely Easter 🐣.

Sounds frightening OP.

She has a cat which she cannot leave.

If he turns up I know I’m being blunt here, but do not for a second let him in, no matter how nice, persuasive, he is. Even if he said he’s left something in your house, can he find it and come in? Is there a neighbour you could ring (quicker than the police) as well as police so they can be of support?

I have another story, years ago I was best friends for about 7 years with a male friend. We then dated for 3 months and he totally changed, he’d been let go from his job and was living alone in his brother’s flat. I realised I’d left some things there. My best friend offered to come with me by car but me being me said no, I can handle it. Ended up in a doorstep row (he wanted me to come in) with him throwing my suitcase over the balcony so it broke, and police being called. Luckily nothing else happened. He wasn’t a stalker but he did say he had a dark evil side to him which wasn’t apparent when we were friends.