AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

If he turns up I know I’m being blunt here, but do not for a second let him in, no matter how nice, persuasive, he is. Even if he said he’s left something in your house, can he find it and come in? Is there a neighbour you could ring (quicker than the police) as well as police so they can be of support?

I have another story, years ago I was best friends for about 7 years with a male friend. We then dated for 3 months and he totally changed, he’d been let go from his job and was living alone in his brother’s flat. I realised I’d left some things there. My best friend offered to come with me by car but me being me said no, I can handle it. Ended up in a doorstep row (he wanted me to come in) with him throwing my suitcase over the balcony so it broke, and police being called. Luckily nothing else happened. He wasn’t a stalker but he did say he had a dark evil side to him which wasn’t apparent when we were friends.

"he did say he had a dark evil side to him"

If anyone says something like this, believe them.

What a nasty little victim-blaming comment.

Obviously you would have handled it perfectly, and the police would have rode to your rescue on a white horse with their magic wand, and made him stop immediately.

And here you are, putting down a woman you don't know, who's having a hard time and has behaved perfectly reasonably. Well done, give yourself a pat on the back.

He said this whilst we were friends and as he was the loveliest man ever, rarely lost his temper, I didn’t ever think that side would be shown to me. I was wrong.

Ridiculous post.

of course it makes sense for the op to examine her own thoughts. That way she is armed to go forward. Self awareness is absolutely key to happiness and good relationships.

I had this and this is what I sent, the police advised me to unblock him, send this and then reblock

Being friends with someone and being in a relationship with that same person are two very different things. A lot of people don't get that starting that romantic relationship brings a completely different dynamic.

You need to have an honest conversation and tell him how you feel.

RTFT FFS!

No she does not.

And you need to read the fucking thread before commenting.

The post I responded to suggested that OP:

Wanted to be wanted
Wanted to be chased after
Wanted the messages
Was into the drama

You might think that's OK. I think it's really fucking low. Sounds like it's come straight from the Andrew Tate textbook.

DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN.

Every message he is sending you is designed to find any little crack in your demeanor, he will keep going and going finding different tactics to use to get a response, DO NOT GIVE IN because it will automatically rev him up to get more contact.

It also helps the police see from the messages that you have ended it and he is not listening to you despite a complete absense of you replying.

If he turns up phone the police, don't answer the door, don't poke your head out of the window, just call the police.

This will be the strongest response you can do, a complete lack of any attention at all, no need to repeat your message, it was very clear you have ended things, it isn't your responsability to tell him again or be more clear, it's clear as day.

That does seem very sensible. I hope it did the trick.

Well done, OP. Hope you have a relaxing weekend 💐

I’d tell someone I’d been seeing for 6 months in person (in a public place rather than my home) that I was ending the relationship.

However, his behaviour has certainly been smothering and concerning. At best, he’s unable to grasp social norms and is needy. Worrying he’s mentioned your kids in a message after you ended it.

Hopefully, he’s got the message but if he persists, then you should seek advice from the police (101) about harassment: https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/beta-stalking-and-harassment/how-report-stalking-harassment/.

Did you consider before posting this really helpful, insightful and original advice 🙄that 800+ comments in, things might have moved on?

If you do respond to his message - I'm not sure whether you should or not as he sounds immature and slightly off - I would be blunt, brief and factual. 'Its over, do not contact me again'. All of this talk about not giving up on you, and letting you have a bit of space, sounds unhinged. He's basically telling you that it isn't over, he's giving you a break but he's not going anywhere.

‘….as he was too nice”. Any man that says he’s ’too nice’ and is suffocating already is a giant red flag. This man is controlling.

Narcassists always think ‘they’re too nice!’

are you ok @Theopdore

having read all this I’m very worried.

I am ok. Sorry that I haven’t replied much but I cannot believe how many replies I have had to read.

Honestly, OP, ignore those pushing for an update. They sound more like your ex than they'd be willing to admit.

"Sorry, I know ... But please let me come over for half an hour"
"Sorry, I know ... But please just tell us you're ok"

It is your decision to walk away from this relationship and he does not get to override that. You also get to decide when and if you update your own thread; don't feel guilty or obligated if it's started feeling like extra pressure more than helpful advice!

@Theopdore

Is your friend with the police able to tell you if his behaviour so far would be enough for the police to intervene? I don't mean enough for an arrest, just for a 'friendly' phone call warning him to leave you alone.

Report him to the police. He is harassing you - two unwanted contacts means it’s harassment. Unfortunately when you block someone it can escalate them so I wouldn’t block the new numbers, but continue to ignore and get police to sort. They will definitely deal with this, especially when you tell them he came round. If he comes round again you must call 999.

Yes, don't feel pressured to update OP, this is your life not their soap opera! If you feel you have had the advice you needed you can put the thread aside anytime.

@fairylightsanon I had the same problem and the police told me not to engage at all.

The officer I spoke to said that any contact, good or bad would just fuel it. He put it in more delicate language but he said, more or less, that the pervert would get off on it.

He was right. Not to be crude but on one of my last angry and very insulting phonecalls to him - well - I could hear what he was doing.

Even the involvement of the police would trigger his, "The whole world's against our true love" thinking.

The gendarmerie did talk to him but in the end, it was just ignore, ignore, ignore and ignore again.

Unfortunately, they usually only lose interest when they've found another target.

It is terrifying though.