Is MN feeding unhealthy attitudes towards men?

[Grtscott]

Some threads I've read this morning have helped me to realise that my thinking about men has changed since joining MN. And not in a good way.

There's an undertone that men need to do things the woman's way, or it's wrong. That men should be grateful for any sex that women are willing to give in a long term relationship, even if that peters out to no sex at all.

Men are seen to be babies who can't do anything for themselves, and need to have someone pre plan and organise their lives, but god forbid they fall into the pattern of behaviour of expecting their female partner to do these things for them, as that's what they've always done.

This thinking is observable to a greater or lesser extent across the boards.

I've also recognised where this thinking has affected the way I think about my wonderful man, and sometimes in things I've said to him or actions towards him. I need to watch this in future.

I'm concerned that the general thinking about men on this website can't be good for society if this is the way women think, and are encouraged to think by others.

If women treat men this way collectively and have low expectations around them, no wonder the bar is getting lower.

You’ve never seen the phrase Not My Nigel on Mumsnet? Are you new?

A silly example from the other day was a woman complaining about a boring coffee shop interaction she seems to initiate, this man answers her and then proceeds to tell her his life story

Cue lots of 'how men feel they're entitled to bore women/interact with women/waste womens time'

Completely ignoring the scores of posters who gave examples of their mother, MIL, next door neighbours (female)

Apparently some bored, lonely old bloke waffling on about things you personally dont find interesting are indicative of how controlling and entitled men are of womens time!!!

Not just an indication of human interaction the world over and centuries old.

Ah, reaching.

Another MN phrase used by posters when they've been called out.

I think the problem is, and this is just as true in general life as it is on Mumsnet, that people only post/complain/talk when they have a problem or a bad experience. A bit like people who have a bad experience at a hotel/restaurant are more likely to post on Facebook/Review website than people who had a good experience. It does create a bit of an echo chamber of bad but that is just life.

I have a great husband, he’s an amazing man, a good friend, a brilliant dad to our children, we are incredibly happy- I’m not going to start a thread about that because I don’t need advice. People having a good time don’t post because they don’t need advice but that doesn’t mean these relationships and men don’t exist.

People only post on here about problems. They’re not going to talk about their brilliant husbands. What really comes out on this site is how many women are experiencing awful relationships, and putting up with absolute crap from partners. Obviously they are seeking support. There is also a lot of abuse, including financial and controlling behaviour that women just don’t realise they are subjected to.

Not sure why you would relate it to your partner though, if he is none of those things? Sometimes you also have to accept that views on the site don’t all match your own, for example I’m unmarried, in a long term relationship. If I listened to the majority of mumsnetters I’d assume I’m in a terrible position, but I know I’m not, so I ignore it

Is this April fool?

On the bright side though, all of the world's problems could be solved if we all just shush about them.

Think of all those activists who wasted their time trying to raise awareness and bring about change for various causes. If only they'd sat quietly, we would all be skipping around utopia right now.

What I see on MN is year on year on year on year on year of the individual experiences of individual women. This is a site by name about women, so it makes sense that they are the ones voicing their experience. Men can post on Dadsnet, try their hand on MN, or fuck off to a man's site.

MNers rarely hold back from saying what they think of shitty behaviour from women.

You really seem to dislike this site.

It's certainly a brand-new poster.

We have lovely men in our family. But my opinion of men generally is still low. In fact it makes me worse probsbly because I know what a good men look and behave like.

Men commit most of the violent and sexual crime, and when you read on MN about misogynistic attitudes and tales of useless and avoidant men that women have shackled themselves too, it’s not hard to see where the ‘man hate’ comes from. In fact it would be pretty naive to take the view that all men are goodness and light. Yes, of course they will be on the sex board…Not so much on the relationships board when it comes to remembering birthdays, being competent fathers or the equal division of household labour.

Absolutely agree. A lot of very toxic posting against men and men held to completely different standards of behaviour than women. And no understanding of the basic dynamic that men tend to do their damage with actions, but are more than matched by women who do their damage verbally and/or covertly.

Reading MN actually does the opposite for me and gives me an ever lower opinion of women. The emotionalism, the inability to consider long term consequences and 2nd/3rd order effects. Any thread on politics displays the absolute dregs of low IQ thinking and makes me think giving women the vote was a mistake. So, in that light, I think men come off quite well.

I think there is definitely a view that in no circumstances is the woman every wrong.

Unless its a mother in law.

I'm male and 99% of the time you are completely wrong. The 1% get shot down. So YABU.

I'm actually shocked at what many women put up with. I know there are many dreadful female partners but the way that women come on here and ask if they right to leave the guy who's cheated on them multiple times, doesn't work, does drugs and does f all with the kids/home astounds me. That women can be conditioned to think they could be wrong to do it

Totally agree with you. And you only have to read certain newspapers and websites to know that the media see Mumsnet as very powerful, and the general consensus of society

I can’t agree with any of your examples and I’ve been here since time began. It has however made me more of a feminist and lifted the blinkers off when it comes to the patriarchy. That would have happened anyway once my reproductive organs stopped working so it only moved that forward about five years.

The classic answer on here to "my partner is wonderful" is to just say he isnt actually wonderful, your bar is low etc etc

Men are seen to be babies who can't do anything for themselves, and need to have someone pre plan and organise their lives, but god forbid they fall into the pattern of behaviour of expecting their female partner to do these things for them, as that's what they've always done

I see the opposite. Women saying men are capable and should not be able to hide behind incapability.

Though I do think the attitude in society needs to focus on the good in men. No wonder young men have turned to Andrew Tate who tells them they are capable and can achieve when society is telling them they are toxic and the problem. Its more constructive to hold men to high standards than tell them they are already shit because they are men.

And no understanding of the basic dynamic that men tend to do their damage with actions, but are more than matched by women who do their damage verbally and/or covertly.

SFW.

Yes, but MN in recent times has said it's for both men and women. No longer a women's site.

Interesting that OP commends the Sex board for being the best part of the site. Many other posters say it's full of sleazy men. I haven't looked myself.

I agree AIBU is often very reactive, but other boards offer great support.

I do understand that.

It's more that the people who offer sane level-headed responses are seen to be the odd ones!

You read enough of the extreme responses, and the ones which feed each other, and they can impact thinking - certainly the case for me.

Who prefers the sex boards

Or someone posts a scenario they aren't happy with.

People respond with their opinions

Its an Internet forum. I dont think there is an agenda, just what I read on here there are lots of vulnerable women who cannot set proper boundaries, have low values and do not value themselves, then come on her bemoaning how shit*y their man treats them and others respond.

I feel.it says more about people who would rather be with ANYONE rather than being alone and that is frightening.

Wheres all the independent women gone?!

The bacon crab thread is a good example of this. A quarter of voters think it is ok for a woman to send her husband to a pub to wash his hands because she thinks that he should. Or the one where a women wants to say her SD's have to share a bedroom so she can have a guest room. No room for discussion in either case - just a presumption that the womans view is right. (And I'm a women before anyone asks)