AIBU to help renovate my father’s bungalow instead of school pick-up?

[JustNotImportant]

Just looking for some perspective.

My Father has allowed us to live in his main residence as they are downsizing to a bungalow. This will be rent free, but the bungalow requires a lot of work.

I am the sole worker, my partner is a stay at home parent to 4 children.

I work 50 hours a week, outside of work I also run our children to all their out of school activities as my partner does not drive.

I took two days off this week to help with the renovation, the way I see it is they are giving us an amazing opportunity and I will help where i can.

My partner has complained and told me my priorities are wrong because I won't pick our children up from school these two days, which would of been their pickups anyway because of work.

So mumsnet, are my priorities skewed? AIBU?

Well if he normally picks them up pI don’t see why he shouldn’t on these two days. Having said that, picking the kids up surely wouldn’t take up too much time? Can he muck in with the renovation then while you do pick up? If the answer to that is no then he is definitely the unreasonable one.

Impossible to say if your priorities are skewed. Beyond driving kids to activities what do you bring to the party in terms of parenting? Do you get to unilaterally check out of the parenting stuff because you work and drive? Does your partner get to unilaterally decide at any point that they are taking two days to do something they see as being of value or would they need to check it with you and ask you to step in with the kids? Whether you are being unreasonable is a bit more nuanced than just "I work 50 hours and am the only driver in the house".

Seems mumsnet hates men and SAHM in equal measure judging by this thread!

That's fair enough but have you considered sometimes it's lack of money for the running and up keep of a car? H and I don't drive through choice, not interested, but we don't expect lifts from anyone either, we use public transport and are happy to do so.

The wording of the original post says ‘would have been their pickups anyway because of work.’

The OP doesn’t actually specify gender.

However, I think men should be held to the same long standing standards they have been using against women.

The fact that something is normally one person's job doesn't mean that they might not want the occasional day of not doing it. In fact if you always do the same job and the other person never does, makes it more likely that you might want a break.

By your logic if the OP had a day off, it would be fine to lounge about at home all day and not lift a finger to do anything as the household/childcaring jobs were the normal responsibility of the SAHP?

But they aren't doing that, are they?
They are working hard, renovating a home for their Dad to live in, which then frees up a house for their family to live in.

You are just making up situations which are nothing to do with the AIBU.

As @JustGiveMeReason says - they’re doing a home renovation. That they say massively benefits the family and the family finances not sat on their arse.

"I am the sole worker, my partner is a stay at home parent to 4 children."
You are sole paid worker. Your partner still works, likely more hours, but doesn't get paid.
That said if they usually do pick up then without lots of useful information, id say they can do still that job. (I feel like, without context eg. Are they post partum, will it be only 10 minutes out of your day but over an hour out of theirs etc then hard to say)
I don't know if all of your children are at school or if partner has infants to care for too, but supporting them learning to drive by looking after your kids will potentially help going forward. (As someone who attended multiple driving lessons with a newborn, sometimes crying, in the back seat, ideally having a partners support to learn to drive would make gaining this skill more possible.)

Is your partner finding the school run difficult in general? Because helping your dad for 2 days when he's gifting you free housing doesn't seem unreasonable. However 4 kids is a lot to handle and I can imagine why it would be nice to be given a lift to school on the days you're 'available'. Perhaps you could suggest driving lessons with some of the money you'll be saving? Or a regular day off that's childcare-free?

All 4 kids at school at 9 then picked up at 3. Youngest is 7 oldest is 13.

I'm not going to list our familial duties, but we both do our fair share of parenting. Any evening of the week I have 3 of our children with me minimum, weekends we are both present and doing equal tasks.

Our genders aren't important to the discussion, hence left out.

We are married. House is already left to us both during the will.

Partner gets frequent child free days, as do I.

There is nothing nefarious happening here other than a little falling out this morning about school runs.

I do one pickup a week due to work, but if I ever have leave, etc I would do all school runs usually.

Partner doesn't drive by choice, does miff me off on the odd occasion but we manage to get by.

House prices are mega where we live (south) so doing us a absolutely huge favour.

Then your partner is being unreasonable. Whether you're at work, or working towards this free house, you're not available to pick up the DC. They are free.

With regards to the house, have you had legal/tax advice to ensure it can't be included in inheritance tax, or be included in potential care home fees?

Your partner appears to have a cushy life facilitated by you and your dad. Does he seriously expect to control what you do with your annual leave?

OP - you really can’t tell posters what is and isn’t relevant in that tone of “voice”. Your later post comes across very rude.

Do you try to shut down your partner in the same way?

Sex of the parties is always relevant to every single discussion. It is particularly relevant here as it reveals how likely a party is to be accurate in describing what they do around the house/ for children as their “fair share”. It also dictates myriad differences as to how their lives are likely to have shaped them, how the world reacts to them etc. And how much power they hold in the relationship. It is never, ever irrelevant.

I say that without a preconceived view of what sex you are.

All that said, I would find it hard to be married to a non driver as it means you’re left with all driving in all situations.

Your partner sounds unreasonable in this case as your father seems to be doing a huge favour to you all. So not unreasonable to help him at all. However, did you communicate this to your partner? Did they know you weren’t planning to do school runs? Is there a reason why it’s tough for them?

I would be a bit sympathetic to them
if you had eg spend the day having a lie in and relaxing and then only at pick up time deciding you must go and help your dad now. Whereas you could have been doing this all day and then done pickup. No reason to think you’ve done this - it’s just an example of a situation where you would be unreasonable.

Yanbu

Your partner is lucky enough to be a stay at home parent to older children when it isnt 100% necessary and is cheeky to expect you to do school runs when that should fall under their duties of SAHP.

From what you’ve said, you do your fair share on weekends and after school etc so they are definitely the unreasonable one who needs to give their head a shake.

I wouldn’t be able to live with someone who didn’t drive just because they didn’t want to.

Haven’t read others replied but from your language I am assuming (perhaps wrongly) you’re the dad.

Irrespective I think you’re in the right. You’re getting a huge amount given to you and taking two days to work full time on the bungalow is absolutely the right thing to do in return.

Having 4 kids and choosing not to drive, unless some very traumatic reason, isn’t justifiable to me. The SAHP should do pickups, it’s literally their job.

Your partner needs to learn to drive.

Aside from everything else, what has been left in a will is meaningless if your dad needs to pay for care home fees in the future. Even if you draw up a tenancy agreement there will still be an expectation that the house is sold to pay for care fees if its not his primary residence anymore.

So thenSAHP is moaning at the parent not doing school runs when they work 50 hrs a week and their dad is facilitating a rent free lifestyle
they are taking the absolute piss here!!!!!!

OP - you really can’t tell posters what is and isn’t relevant in that tone of “voice”. Your later post comes across very rude.

You can't be serious?
The OP has got in from working, read through all the posts, and answered what has been asked in a clear and concise way.

It seems you are looking for an issue where there is none.

Of course sexes are relevant and important. Unless it's a same sex relationship because of structural inequality.

Of course.

You probably know that the will can be changed at any time, but it sounds like a fair understanding with your dad - I’ll give you the house, but can you please renovate a bungalow for me. Not simply fair actually, it’s very generous on your dad’s part. So it’s very important that you do this work and it has to be included in the total weekly number of jobs and your duties with the children should be reduced temporarily to allow you to finish this work.

Why?
(I'm assuming "sexes" = "sex is". Sorry if I'm wrong and have missed something)

Did you discuss the plan to take two days annual leave with your partner before doing it? Did taking the two days off now mean you couldn’t take any during the Easter holidays?